Tuesday, January 29, 2019

The Gone-Away World Part 2: Generating the Found Thousand

Overgrown by qissus


When Stuff comes in contact with a person's thoughts, Reification occurs, that is the making of something Real. It manifests human thoughts and emotions from the Noosphere and into the physical plane, often with horrific results. As mentioned in the previous post, sometimes Stuff mingles with and fuses with a person. More often than not, this results in a hideous agonized thing that dies shortly thereafter due to incompatible biology. However on rare occasions the end result survives and, on rarer occasions, can thrive. These folk are fusions of man and fantasy, wishes and stray thoughts and idle day dreaming. Some might even appear as creatures from fantasy and scifi, they might look like elves or little grey men or centaurs or Wookies. The more outrageous the transformation, the less likely the end result can actually survive long, after all it is the result of imagined biology. This is why there are very few children among the Found Thousand, for while their imaginations are vast, their knowledge of anatomy tends to be on the weak side. This table is assuming the resulting Unreal Person actually survives their creation.


by Biffno
This Unreal Person has a:

Head which
1. is that of an animal or plant, is nominally incapable of speech
2. has proportions like a Cortical homunculus
3. is featureless save a wide mouth
4. is on backwards
5. has long elf-like ears
6. has huge fangs, can't close mouth
7. has a cartoonishly large nose
8. is permanently twisted into a single exaggerated expression
9. has 1d6(exploding) horns
10. has 1d6(exploding) eyes
11. has a 10' long chameleon-like tongue
12. is twice the normal size with dinner plate-sized eyes
13. has its features scrambled
14. can unhinge its jaw wide enough to swallow a small dog whole
15. is a literal butt head
16. is not there, face is on torso Blemmyes-style
17. has ineffectual bat wings instead of ears
18. Has cat-like eyes
19. there are two of
20. is remarkably human.

The Woodpecker by Chenthooran


And arms which
1. end in hands as large as the rest of their body combined
2. end in gnarled claws
3. are not there
4. have all their joins reversed
5. are independently active snakes
6. are wings, 50/50 chance of being functional in any way
7. are squid tentacles
8. have multiplied into 2d4 arms
9. are made of solid, immobile bone
10. have fractal fingers
11. are blooming cherry tree branches
12. are twice as long as normal
13. end at the elbow in stubby hands
14. are praying mantis arms
15. are grotesquely over-muscled
16. are withered and useless
17. have 1d6 (exploding) extra elbows and length to accommodate
18. are manikin-like
19. are legs
20 are remarkably human.
Chrysalis by Leopardmoth

And legs which
1. are an entire horse
2. are goat-like
3. are not there
4. have webbed toes
5. is a fish tail
6. are tank treads with dozens of feet
7.  have organic suction cups instead of feet
8. are twice as long as normal
9. are elephantine
10. end at the knee with stubby feet
11. taloned and bird-like
12. are a mass of writhing tendrils
13. are an immobile tree stump
14. are springs
15. are bone-blades from the knee down (really hard to walk)
16. are atrophied and useless
17. have all of its joints reversed
18. BUER LEGS
19. are arms
20. are remarkably human.

Untitled by Leopardmoth


And a torso that
1. can split into a huge maw
2. has the consistency of warm wax
3. has a hideous parasitic twin growing from it
4. has a functioning udder
5. is a bulbous, snail-like shell
6. has hideously over developed sex organs
7. is monstrously corpulent
8. is almost skeletally gaunt
9. writhes like something is attempting to escape from within
10. has sharp spines jutting from its back
11. has webbed skin ala a flying squirrel
12. is half the size and twice the density of normal
13.is twice the size and half the density of normal
14. has a large hole through it, like a human doughnut
15. is riddled with pulsing tumors
16. has a tail (1d4 monkey-like, cat-like, dog-like, floppy useless atavistic like)
17. is hermaphroditic
18. grows from the hips as 1d4+1 identical upper bodies of independent personalities
19. can inflate and deflate like an accordion
20. is remarkably human.

From the Sketchbook of Leopardmoth


and finally
1. has hollow, bird-like bones
2. is completely covered in dense fur
3. has thin, parchment-like skin
4. secretes slime like a slug
5. has skin colored 1d10 Infrared (see through), Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet, Vantablack, Rainbow
6. has mirrored DNA and is not long for this world
7. has functional gills but no lungs
8. is covered in hard scales
9. Has no skin at all
10. has spare, redundant organs
11. is gelatinous with organs all floating in a non-Newtonian goop
12. is child-like
13. bleeds 1d6 (Acid, Spiders, Sap, Fresh Water, Stuff, Miniature Clones)
14. can't feel pain
15. is in constant wracking pain
16. is slowly rotting
17. is biologically immortal
18. is completely unaware that they are not a normal person
19. can breed true.
20. is a p-zombie.

On top of these, I suggest rolling on your favorite Failed Career table to find out what this Unreal Person was before they became what they are now. I also suggest that you extrapolate on what these Unreal People's "abilities" are based upon this table, but keep in mind that they are ultimately traumatized humans in bodies that are not wholly functional. A centaur generated from this table is not perfectly fused and still thinks like a two legged person, they might be able to gallop but it is not going to be pleasant or graceful. Furthermore you can use this table on animals instead to generate terrible Unreal Animals. Nothing like a shark with tank-tred legs and wings speeding at you from a sea of liquid Stuff.


Friday, January 25, 2019

The Gone-Away World Part 1: Creatures from the Noosphere



The Gone-Away World by Nick Harkaway was published nearly eleven years ago back in good old 2008. I was working at a small independent bookstore when it was published and, being the guy for scifi and fantasy recommendations, was handed it by our manager. She said that the bigger scifi books tend not to sell as well because people want quick formulaic stuff nowadays, but this one had been done by the son of John le Carre, acclaimed author of "The Spy who came in from the Cold." While she did not enjoy scifi herself, she felt that this 544 page book likely would be something I could push. And so, I got myself ready to sit through another so-so novel to sell to the masses. Little did I know, I just opened what would perhaps become one of my favorite books of all time.

Enter grade A hero material Gonzo Lubitsch and his unnamed best friend narrator, who is our real protagonist. In rambling first person account that combines a sort of stream of consciousness with bar side British storytelling, our narrator introduces us to a world gone terribly wrong while pocketing an 8-ball on a sex-scuffed pool table. The world as we know it today is gone and what is left is a few pockets of hardy civilization clinging around the Jorgmund Pipe, a massive steel pipeline spraying the reality sustaining FOX into the air. However, oh fuck, a pumping station down the line has caught fire in a BIG WAY. Luckily Gonzo is part of a crew of war veterans and truckers who form the Haulage and HazMat Emergency Civil Freebooting Company and they are soon on their way to their biggest challenge (and payout) yet.

From this point, time shifts back to Gonzo and the narrator's unconventional upbringing in Britain with their exploits with frozen ponds, cannibal swamp witches, unconventional schooling, martial arts, political activism, and eventually into their life immediately before, during, and after the Gone Away War.

I will leave the rest of this for you to learn about, but let me tell you that it involves mad max road pirates, kung fu mimes, The Clockwork Hand Society, and flamethrower pancakes.

One way or another, we get to a world where the latest superweapon has literally blown holes into the  Noosphere, the collective unconsciousness of mankind. A bomb drops and whatever in its radius simply vanishes, all of its information is erased and undifferentiated matter just becomes dust in the wind. However that Stuff reacts to new information, creating a strange new world where stray thoughts quickly create a host of hideous problems.

This is enough of me yammering about my favorite book, and to get to the meat of this. This would make an amazing goddamn setting to play in won't it?! I don't plan to absolutely faithfully reproduce stuff from the book as I don't want it to stop me from making crazy post-apocalyptic wizards and shit,  but really if your game is any kind of gonzo you should be able to pick up and drop in whatever from this. I know I've got several posts that are the "first" in a series that has not gone beyond the first, but hey here is another one.

By Miles Johnston


PC Level+1 HD The Ideal
Appearance: You, but better
Wants: To replace you
Armour: Yours+Shield
Move: Yours+1
Morale: 6/12, Willing to fight you to the death
Damage: As you, but with +1 bonus on everything

The Ideal is you as though played by Tom Cruise or Angelina Jolie. They are wittier, stronger, faster, they are more cliche, less real, and more...Ideal. They lack your scars (except where they enhance sexiness), they lack your personal flaws (except where it makes them endearing), and they lack any concept of morality. They are action movie heroes running off of a script that only they can see and you are just some start up stunt double that needs to get out of the spotlight.

The Ideal usually manifests when a particularly self absorbed or self deluded individual is dipped fully into Stuff. Expect them to fight to the death in some kind of psychedelic evil twin mudwrestling match.



# of PCs+2 HD The Trauma
Appearance: A living town-sized fog-of-war, the stench of pierced guts, the taste of iron and blood, the sound of men dying
Wants: Nothing
Armour: N/A
Move: Twice Normal
Morale: N/A
Damage: See Below

SNAFU: Every round all living creatures within The Trauma are attacked by one of the below at random. Only every third attack is real. If the players pick up the pattern and voice this, the pattern becomes random instead.

1. Bayonet- 1d6
2. Gunshot- 1d8
3. Concussive Grenade- Save vs. Stun  
4. Machine gun- 2d6, exploding on 6
5. Flamethrower 2d6 + Save vs. On Fire
6. Point blank Grenade 4d6 +Save vs. Deafness

Fog of War: Every round of exposure save vs. Fear. If Afraid, save vs. Insanity. If Insane, save vs. Death.

The Trauma is an entire army's PTSD given shape, a mental ward's delusions given breath, a nightmarish fever dream from a thousand junkies. It is a hospital bed continuously emptied and filled with the dying, it is bullets from an enemy all around you but nowhere to be seen, it is a continuous concussive barrage that shakes your bones and blows out your ear drums. 

The Trauma is Stuff mixed with condensed mental anguish from dozens of humans. It is not something that can be fought or stopped without a firehose of FOX. It is, in part, illusionary. Ghostly soldiers repeating the same action over and over again, dying screams from no where, charlie popping up from trenches that are not there. But the wounds it inflicts are real enough, metal wasp-like bullets, napalm geysers, grenades that manifest from nowhere. The Trauma is hell on earth as made by the most scarred of humankind.


By Johfra Draak


1-4HD The Monkey's Paw aka The Unreal People
Appearance: A twisted amalgam of human and...something else
WantsSee Generator
Armour:See Generator
Move: See Generator
Morale: 8
Damage: See Generator

The Monkey's Paw is the result of wishful thinking gone terrible wrong. It is a child who wished she were a bird and became a mutilated feathered-thing with hollow bones breaking under its own weight. It is the starving man who wished to eat something, anything, and now he can't stop himself as he opens his anaconda mouth and swallows his friends. This is what happens when Stuff directly mingles with and fuses with a human. More often than not, the thing that is created dies horribly as physics denies its biology. But sometimes something that can survive is made, for better or for worse. The Found Thousand are out there somewhere, the Unreal People.




1HD The Imaginary Friend aka The New
Appearance: As human
WantsAs Human
Armour: As worn
Move: As Human
MoraleAs Human
DamageAs Human

There are people out there who are New. They were not born, they did not have childhoods, they did not develop into the person they are today. Sometimes a deeply imaginative person or one with split identities is immersed in Stuff and what it results into isn't a horrific manifestation of their desires or some grotesque fusion of man and imagination. Instead a new person is manifested, complete with history and feelings and wants and needs. The New person does not immediately know they are New. Their mind is awash with memories, often shared with the original person. They often look much like the person they are manifested from, but instead of being like the Ideal, it is more like a kid brother or close cousin. For the first 24 hours after their creation, New People regenerate from any (even fatal) wounds as their bodies are still mostly made of undefined Stuff. After the first 24 hours, the only thing physically differentiating a New person from a human is being unaffected by Stuff.

Rakshasa by Dominic Qwek


2d6 HD The Need
Appearance: A manifestation of a primal need. 
Wants: To satisfy their need
Armour: As Chain
Move: Normal
Morale: 6, 12 when there is a chance to fulfill their need
Damage: Examples Below

HUNGER: The Hunger will bite chunks out of anything edible dealing 2d6 damage, exploding on 6. Save when brought to 0 HP or be swallowed whole.  

LUST: Save vs. Charm when in physical contact with The Lust. A failed save stuns the target as they experience intense euphoria. Further contact with The Lust drains 1d6 HP per round of contact.

SLEEP: Save when in physical contact with The Sleep. A failed save results in Insomnia for a day. This effect is cumulative. 

The Need is the incarnation of an individual's extreme desires given form by The Stuff. Any primal need can be manifested and each appears unique, taking on traits of the originator's mind. The Hunger might be a massive salivating wolf or it might lollipop holding child whose mouth just won't stop opening wider. The Lust might be an androgynous incarnation of beauty or a Silent Hill bondage nightmare. An important factor is that while some of The Need might seem like Unreal People, The Need is entirely made up of Stuff. They have obsessive alien minds and no hint of human morality.


Apparently from a Belgian comic called Kogaratsu 


1-10 HD The Clockwork Hand Society aka Ninjas
Appearance: Masters of disguise, but when active as cliche of an old school ninja as you can possibly imagine.
Wants: To fulfill their orders at all costs
Armour: As Leather
Move: Twice normal, silently, always succeeds climb checks
Morale: 12, will fight to the death if ordered
Damage: See Below, more powerful Ninja may have unique abilities

Ninja Tools: Each Ninja encountered wields a traditional weapon such as a ninjato, shuriken, kunai, kakute, hand-to-hand etc. Regardless of their weapon of choice it deals 1d6+1/2 HD damage.

Smoke Bomb: Every Ninja carries a smoke bomb for quick escapes, create a 10' bank of smoke for 1 round when thrown to the ground. 

Poison Pill: All Ninjas keep a deadly poison pellet on them, if the possibility of their capture is inevitable, they will swallow this pill rather than being captured. 

Inverse Ninja Rule: The HD of the Ninja encountered is inverse to the number of Ninja Present. A single Ninja has 10 HD, 10+ Ninjas have 1 HD etc. 

The Clockwork Hand Society has been moving behind the scenes since there have been scenes to move behind. Now that the world has nominally ended, the Clockwork Hand has made their move to begin the domination of what is left. They seek a world that is perfectly orderly, perfectly hierarchical, perfectly in control. They are every conspiracy theory come true, they are Big Brother, they are your Cooperate Masters, they are the Illuminati. They are not really Ninjas, but the difference is so subtle as to be pointless.


Thursday, January 17, 2019

The Uncommon Uses of the Common Zood

My first post commissioned via Ko-Fi, this one is for you Furtive goblin!

Well hi there little buddy!
On the Khokhantipa Mudflats there lives a native people who eek out a living on the whims of the tides, scavenging upon the broad stinking morass of low tide and riding the waves of the high tide. While the people themselves are worthy of a post or two of investigation, the focus of this is upon their ever present companions, the industrious Zood.

Now I'm sure many of you have heard of the Water Bear, a sort of microscopic organism that looks like the midway point between a leech and an obese bear, and doubtless you've heard of their nigh invulnerability. Of course being around .02 inches in size means that though they might be able to survive the void of space, being deep frozen for centuries, or extreme radiation, you still probably kill them in the dozens any time you pick up some moss. Okay, now I want you to imagine this same thing, but make it sixteen to twenty feet long and weighing more than an African Elephant. This is the Zood, and the Khokhantipians have spent, apparently, thirty by thirty generations domesticating and living along side these bizarre beasts of burden.

I am sure that you, being likely of the OSR mindset, immediately hear this and want to add it to your game. But what, pray tell, can you possibly do with such a lumbersome beast? Well adding them to your beastiary is perhaps the least interesting thing, but I'll provide you stats anyways. No, these creatures are central to a people's lively hood and thus are multipurpose creatures which could provide a variety of resources to your average adventurer.

Oh shit it spotted us.

Zood: It would be difficult for an outsider to buy a Zood off of a Khokhantipan, as these creatures are precious to their way of life. However you might be able to rent one of perhaps you are gifted a young one for a great service done to the people of the Mudflats. The Zood is a ponderous filter feeder that spend the vast majority of their waking life sucking mud from the mudflats or siphoning plankton from seawater. As such, they are not terrible effective mounts outside of the Khokhantipan mudflats due to their dietary needs. That said, they are next to impossible to sink, don't seem to ever actually sleep, having the hauling power of an especially persistent elephant and can home in on the mudflats better than a homing pigeon can find home.

10 HD Zood
Appearance:  A 16'-20' 5 ton, 8 legged water bear
Wants: Siphon mud, mate, act as pack animal
Armour: Chain- Threre is a lot of fat to get through
Move: 1/4 Normal, 1/2 normal in water
Morale: 12- Too dumb to run away
Damage: 1d6 Stylet, can only attack every other round. 

The Zood is immune to radiation, can survive both boiling and freezing temperatures, and as far as we know, survive the vacuum of space.

Zood Blubber: A large percentage of a Zood's bodymass is made up of vascularized blubber. Composed primarily of triglycerides, comparable to baleen whale fats, Zood Blubber is both an excellent source of nutrition and a viable fuel when processed into oil. A pound of Zood Blubber can provide 1 ration and can be eaten raw, tasting oily and somewhat nutty. Preserved Zood Blubber tends to be pickled and will last upwards of six months. Oil processed from Zood Blubber can be used to make an effective soap as well as burnt as a light source, though it gives a rather potent low tide smell. A single average five ton Zood can be fully flensed and processed to produce 1400 gallons of Zood oil or about 3500 pounds of blubber. Zood, however, molt on a yearly basis and their moltings can be scrapped for 10% of a full harvest.

In the style of the Monster Menu-All:
Flavour: extremely oily and nutty, similar to bear meat but it melts in your mouth if eaten raw. Will be extremely chewy if the skin isn't removed.

d10 Result
1 Gas Pocket. A pocket of Zood Gas has formed within the Blubber. Save or begin to asphyxiate.
2-9 Nutritious. Act as Normal Meat
10 Lubricated. Your esophagus and digestive system are highly lubricated for the rest of the day, allowing you a +4 against swallowed poisons as they quickly run through you before being absorbed. Also terrible diarrhea.

Zood Ambergris: The Zood, as previously mentioned, only molt once per year. They also, dear god, only excrete once a year, leaving their...well waste behind in their molted cuticle. This waste is made up of all of the detritus siphoned up from the mudflats that could not be processed into pure fat or nutrients, usually various particularly dense shells, stones, and non-organic matter. While stewing in the guts of the Zood for a year, these accumulate various waxes and curious organic biles, resulting in a particularly vilely marine smelling greenish grey substance. Unlike whale ambergris, which can age into a rubbing alcohol-like scent and fixative useful for perfume manufacture, Zood Ambergris only seems to become more potent and almost cheesy over time. The Khophkantipans consider Zood Ambergris a delicacy, but it takes a hardy stomach to handle it. As a wax-based sealant, however, Zood Ambergris is highly sought after. A thin layer of processed Zood Ambergris can waterproof anything for decades, although it leaves a permanent smell somewhere between salt marsh and foot odor. Sailing vessels, which smell like fish anyways, and Alchemists, who smell enough sulfur on a daily basis anyways, both would pay a pretty penny for the Ambergris. The Khohkantipans tend to use it to water proof their clothing when they are not eating it.

In the style of the Monster Menu-All:
Flavour: like old fishheads wrapped in fermented seaweed then covered in mildewed cheese wax

d10 Result
1-5. Hideous, vomit and loose all benefits of the meal
6-9. Acquired Taste, as normal meat plus low-tide halitosis for a week.
10. Aphrodisiac. You literally ooze sex, all creatures within smelling range of you that could be sexually attracted to you must Save or act in accordance to their lust.

Zood Gas: The Zood are incredibly buoyant creatures, not only due to its fat content but also for a rather significant amount of gas that fill its innards. Due to the Zood's curious digestive processes, the Zood is unable to easily dispense with the build up of gases. Luckily for the Zood, it has developed a number of specialized balloon-like organs that store the gases until they can be released during the molt. The Khohkantipans collected these...well Zood farts during the molt via specialized sacks, often the preserved gas collection organs of dead Zood. They usually use these as buoys for navigation or marking out crab pots. Alchemists studying the Zood Gas found it to actually be a very potent fuel source, but its gaseous nature makes it rather difficult to handle. A single Zood Gas balloon, if set on fire, can explode and deal damage comparable to alchemist's fire.

You looking at me?

Zood Stylet: The Zood's mouth is something between a filter and a proboscis, which is uses to siphon up the nutrient rich mud of its tidal home. When it comes across a particularly bothersome patch of mud, it can extend a pair of hard sharp stylets to pierce and mix the morass. These, like so much else of the Zood, molt yearly and are regrown by a pair of glands on either side of the creature's mouth. During mating season, the Bull Zood will use these stylets in a form of combat termed, by an Ivory Tower University Grad student I'm sure, "Snoot-Jousting." This involves two Bull Zood waddling until they are face to face and then repeatedly retracting and extending their necks so that their faces bash together. As this area contains the feeding apparatus and the creatures' eyes, it is among the few places on the Zood that is actually easy to harm. But enough about Zood sex rituals. The being little else but mud on the mudflats, the Khohkantipans use the shed stylets in a number of ways such as awls and needles or in scrimshaw or as the points of their driftwood fishing spears. As a spear, the stylet acts as fragile Medium weapon but requires no processing or expertise to make thereby costing less than half of what an equivalent steel weapon would cost.

Zood Skin: Fresh skin can only be harvested from dead Zood and is thus usually only acquired from hunting wild Zood or from domesticated Zood that have passed on. A single Zood possesses, on average, about 350 square feet of skin. To put this in some sort of scale, an average human has about 22 square feet of skin which could cover an average door way. A single Zood skin is enough to make a 14' tall tepee with enough space to fit a family of four. The Khohkantipans use these skins and other materials to create something of a floating yurt. They rest easily on the mud flats during low tide and float when the tide comes in via a combination of driftwood and Zood gas filled bladders along with sinew and rock anchors to keep the home from drifting away. The Zood skin can also be tanned to create a variety of clothing and footwear or be turned into cord for fishing nets. The skin is highly resistant to both water and radiation, allowing the Khohkantipans to avoid the worst of their shadeless watery home with relative ease. Wizards and alchemists have been known to use Zood leather gloves for their more esoteric experiments when lead shielding isn't enough. Zood skin can be used to make Leather Armor that gives Advantage to rolls resisting radiation.

Zood Cuticle: Once a year, Zood undergo a molting process in which their outer layer of skin hardens and they slide out from it fresh and new. This is also when Zood mate and evacuate their waste. The left over shell or Cuticle is used by the Zood themselves to leave their waste and to lay their eggs into. The small amount of adipose tissue and feces serve as the base nutrients for the Zooglings once they have hatched. With human intervention, a certain amount of the Cuticules are taken before they can be used as nests. These are cleaned and treated with Zood Ambergris to waterproof and preserve them. Cuticle can be used to create bulky armor equivalent to plate, but this is only seen in the collections of museums and eccentrics. More often, they are used to create slightly transparent canoes that allow the Khohkantipans to watch for fish beneath them during their fishing expeditions. Zood Cuticle can also be layered and laminated to create an equivalent of a wooden shield.

Zood Blimp: Let's be clear, the Khohkantipans do not do this, they are a people of the silt and sea and the idea of lifting off into the sky is completely outside of their idea of a good time. This was the result of the efforts of an Ivory Tower University grad student with something to prove. By harvesting the skin of about ten wild Zood to create a canvas of about 3385 square feet and capturing the Zood gas from as many, the aforesaid student along with a team of undergrads created a one man hot air balloon capable of sustained vertical lift off capable of lifting about 200 pounds. Said "Zood Blimp" got the grad student a diploma and a professorship while the Blimp itself made the rounds as a sort of spectacle. There are those who consider it might have value as a scouting device, however the trouble with capturing and processing the Zood en masse have proven to be difficult and the Khohkantipans have, understandably, resisted all efforts from foreigners to harvest the Zood.

Cue Jaws Theme

Monday, January 14, 2019

FUCK OFF BUER

What a useless jerk!
AAAAAAHHHHH BUER! FUCK OFF YOU LION GOAT WHEEL NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Goddamn he's even uglier in GeGeGe
WILL YOU GO AWAY IF I MAKE A POST FOR YOU?! FINE HOLY SHIT!

BUER IS THE GREAT PRESIDENT OF HELL AND HE HAS A BIG HARD ON FOR SAGITTARIUS. SUPPOSEDLY IF YOU SUMMON HIM HE'S PRETTY GOOD AT BOTANY AND MEDICINE AND FAMILIARS AND ALL THAT HIPPIE CRAP BUT YOU KNOW HE'S JUST GOING TO ROLL OVER YOU AND RAID YOUR FRIDGE BECAUSE HE'S SUCH CHODE!

ALL OF BUER'S MINIONS ARE SIMILARLY AWFUL, HERE IS HOW TO MAKE A BUER MINION! IF YOU WANT TO BE ESPECIALLY SHITTY USE THIS WITH MY FAMILIAR GENERATOR.

D4
TERRIBLE APPEARANCE
1
SKELETAL- COUNTS AS UNDEAD OR SOME FUCKERY
2
FLESHY- FUCK WHY IS IT SO CLAMMY?
3
DISEASED- INFLICTS RANDOM ILLNESS I GUESS?!
4
DEMONIC- HELLFIRE AND CHAINS AND SHIT


D6
 NUMBER OF HIDEOUS LIMBS/SPOKES ALSO HD
1
 1, OR IF YOU FEEL CRUEL 0 BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT?!
2
 2
3
 3
4
 4
5
 5
6
 6- EXPLODES IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT

D8
HIDEOUS LIMB TYPE
1
PAWS -FOR CLAWING
2
HOOVES -FOR KICKING
3
TALONS - FOR RAKING
4
TENTACLES -FOR FONDLING GRAPPLING
5
APE HANDS - OH FUCK OPPOSABLE THUMBS
6
ELEPHANTINE -FOR STOMPING AND TRAMPLING
7
INSECTILE- FUCKER CAN CLIMB UP WALLS
8
PINCERS- GODDAMN PINCHY CRAB HANDS

WHAT THE FUCK EVEN?!

D10
 GROSS HEAD
1
 HORSE - TWICE AS FAST
2
 GOAT - CAN EAT ANYTHING
3
 LION - CLOSER TO BUER +2 HD
4
 WOLF - COMES IN PACKS
5
 MAN-APE - KNOWS A DAMNING SECRET OF A PARTY MEMBER
6
 DRAGON - FIRE  BREATH
7
 EAGLE - DEAFENING SCREECH 
8
 SPIDER - SPITS WEBS
9
 ELEPHANT - GRAPPLING TRUNK
10
 SHARK - EXTRA BITE ATTACK


I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY LONGER


D%
 SHITTY MANE
1
RATTY LION'S MANE
2
CROWN OF THORNS
3
FLAILING CUTTLEFISH TENTACLES
4
CARAPACE SPACE HELMET
5
VENUS FLYTRAP
6
A BUNCH OF FINGERS
7
CIRCLE OF WOLF HEADS LIKE THAT SCYLLA FREAKSHOW
8
SNAKE ORGY
9
TONGUES
10
BALD

NO! BAD SICILY!

D12

 WEIRD FUCKEN EYES
1
SQUINTY- CAN SEE IN DARKNESS
2
THREE FUCKEN EYES ONE SHOOTS LASERS 
3
GOAT- FUCK WHY IS IT SO AWFUL? CAUSES FEAR OR SOMETHING
4
BLOODSHOT- SLEEP? THIS THING DOESN'T SLEEP
5
MANTIS SHRIMP - SO MANY COLORS, ALSO SEES INVISIBLE SHIT
6
SPIDER- 8 OF THEM! REALLY GOOD AT DETECTING MOTION
7
CHAMELEON- ONE ON FRONT ONE ON BACK, 360 GODDAMN
8
SNAIL EYES- CAN LOOK AROUND CORNERS 
9
HAGFISH-WELL KINDA EYES, FUCK IF I KNOW
10
SNAKE- ACTUALLY MEDUSA, HAHA WELCOME TO STONEVILLE
11
HUMAN EYES- YOUR EX'S EYES 
12
NO EYES- IT'S A BLIND FUCKEN WHEEL HOW'D IT LEARN TO DRIVE?!


Tall Mouther from the Forgotten Realms, best to be Forgotten

D20
 AWFUL ATTRIBUTE
1
 ALWAYS SCREAMING
2
 ALWAYS WANTS TO TALK ABOUT MEANINGLESS HORSESHIT
3
 BUER DOOR-TO-DOOR EVANGELICAL 
4
 SMELLS LIKE MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY'S LOCKER ROOM
5
 HIPSTER LEVEL SMUG, WON'T SAY WHAT THEY ARE SMUG ABOUT
6
 CHEWS GUM WITH THEIR MOUTH OPEN, DISGUSTING 
7
 SAYS, "NOT TO BE RACIST/SEXIST BUT..."
8
 WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT SEXUAL "CONQUESTS" 
9
 IS YOUR COMPLETE POLITICAL OPPOSITE
10
 TOTAL EDGELORD
11
 INAPPROPRIATE SENSE OF HUMOR, TERRIBLE LAUGH
12
 END EVERYTHING WITH AN ELLIPSIS...
13
 ASKS QUESTIONS THEY KNOW ALREADY AND CAN SAY, "UM ACTUALLY"
14
WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT THEIR LATEST "CLEANSE" DIET
15
CONSTANTLY APPLIES VASELINE TO LIPS
16
17
CORRECTS EVERYONE'S GRAMMAR...INCORRECTLY!
18
PERSISTENTLY STARES AT THE ASS OF HIGHEST CHA PARTY MEMBER
19
TIME HAS FOUR SIDES!
20
FARTS CONSTANTLY, LAUGHS AT OWN FARTS



Steve Lichman says it best. 
IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY ROLL A DEMONIC 5 GOAT LEGGED LION WITH A RATTY LION'S MANE, SQUINTY EYES, AND ALWAYS WANTS TO TALK ABOUT MEANINGLESS HORSESHIT THEN YOU JUST ENCOUNTERED BUER HIS OWN GODDAMN SELF, GOOD LUCK ASSHOLE!

NOTES
YOU WANT MECHANICS? FUCK THAT NOISE! ROLL AND MAKE UP YOUR FATE YOUR OWN DAMN SELF! I'VE SPENT ENOUGH TIME ALREADY ON THIS INFERNAL ACCIDENT!

BONUS SHITTY GRIFFON TABLE! 

ROLL ON EACH TABLE, COMBINE, MOURN, REPEAT

D10
 SHITTY BODY 
1
 RACCOON
2
 OPOSSUM
3
 FOX
4
 RAT
5
 COYOTE
6
 BOAR
7
 CANE TOAD
8
 SPHINX 
9
 KANGAROO
10
 HONEY BADGER

D%
 SHITTY HEAD AND WINGS
1
 SEAGULL
2
 CROW
3
 OSPREY
4
 CANADIAN GOOSE
5
 PIGEON
6
 CHICKEN
7
 VULTURE
8
 PELICAN
9
 TURKEY
10
 SHOEBILL