Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Commissioned Post: Vile Vittles Vendors

All pictures are Creative Commons from PixelBay

Ah, the humble street food vendor. How often you play a key role in our hearts (and arteries) and yet how rarely we really get to know you beyond exchanged coin and dipping meat juices. The likes of Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler of Discworld, Turkey and Goosehead of The God of Cookery, Mr. Kim from Fifth Element, Rao Tsur of Gone Away World, The White Dragon Noodle Bar from Bladerunner, and the myriad stinking stalls that populate the streets of Throne in Kill Six Billion Demon. These places and people immediately add personality, possibility and food poisoning to any scenario. Be it a one eyed hunchback selling questionable sausages or be it a manic cleaver twirling woman making “Assorted Noodles,” these are the people who know the pulse and stomachs of the locals best and any wise adventurer knows that sometimes it is worth risking a tapeworm or two to get to know these people.


Roll
Title
Vendor
Stall
Quality
Frequent Customers
1
Bald
Aarav
3 Goblins and a Spatula
Probably Fatal
"Foreigners"
2
Big
Abdullah
A Mess of Pottage
Dysentery Inducing
Adventurers
3
Crazy
Bill
Adventurous Aliment
Toxic Waste
Alchemists
4
Crusty
Camila
Dough Dungeon
Raisins or Rat Poop
Assassins
5
Drunk
Fatima
Everything but the Teeth
Montezuma's Wrath
Criminals
6
Fair
Fran
Fair Faire Fare
Tapeworm Central
Fops
7
Fat
Hui
Frumenty without Frills
Not Diseased
Gypsies
8
Greasy
Ida
Fry of the Beholder
Passes Quickly
Lawyers
9
Lean
Jack
Granny's Grub
Dry, unappealing
Noble's Sons
10
Lucky
Jing
Hěn Duō Rè Shé (Many Hot Snakes)
Needs more Sauce
Sailors
11
Mean
John
HUMAN FOOD FOR CONSUMPTION
Passes Health Codes
Secret Lovers
12
Old
Lei
Offal Express
Meh
Specific Ethnic Group
13
Rancid
Lola
Pets Meat
Not Half Bad
Serfs
14
Shaggy
Louis
Puckish Provender
Surprisingly Edible
Soldiers
15
Short
Manuel
Technically Edible
Worth a return visit
Students
16
Slick
Mary
The Lard's House
Tourist Attraction
Teamsters
17
Smelly
Pierre
The Recovering Vegan
Local Favorite
The City Watch
18
Tasteless
Salma
Tuck n' Chuck
Chain-worthy
The Truly Desperate
19
Toothless
Yusuf
Wheelbarrow o' Meat
Life Altering
Wizards
20
Vile
Zahra
You Kill It, We Fry It
3 Star Quality
Working (wo)men




And what is on the menu today?


Roll
Today's Special
Beverage
Condiment
1
“Assorted Noodle”
"Punch"
"Relish"
2
“Meat” Balls
Absinthe
“Gravy”
3
50 Layer Fried Breading
Ale
Agliata
4
500 Year Pottage
Almond Milk
Agraz
5
Abada Feet Kawari
Anijsmelk
Aioli
6
Alkonost egg-tarts
Apung
Alepevere
7
Al-Mi’raj Hasenpfeffer
Arrack
Armsünderfett
8
Amaru Aji Anticucho
Ayahuasca
Assassin Grape Jelly
9
Bag of Fried Creature Chitterlings
Baijiu
Au jus
10
Bake-kujira Blubber Bites
Bajigur
Bacon
11
Baku Snout tartar
Barley Water
Bacon Grease
12
Basilisk Tail-Szechuan style
Bicerin
Béarnaise
13
Basted Camelopard Neck on 10’ Pole
Black Coffee
Béchamel
14
Battered Brain-Mole
Black Tea, Hot
Bolognese
15
BBQ Bunyip
Black Tea, Iced
Brown Gravy
16
Bi Fang Drumstick
Bottled Water
Capers
17
Blackened Vargouille Wings
Bouza
Caramelized Onions
18
Bonnacon Cheese Malakoff
Boza
Chamoy
19
Brined Barbegazi Toes
Braggot
Chili Oil
20
Bulette Fin Soup
Brandy
Chili Sauce
21
Centipede Skewers
Butterbeer
Chives
22
Chilled Satori Brains
Buttermilk
Chocolate sauce
23
Cinnamon Sugar Gargoyles
Caudell
Chutney
24
Cockatrice Croquettes
Cauim
Cilantro
25
Confit de peluda
Chaas
Cominee
26
Dahu Gyros
Chicory Water
Croutons
27
Demonic Bee Honey on Toast
Cider
Deglazing
28
Desiccated Tikoloshe
Crab apple Verjuice
Demi Glace
29
Devil Swine Trotters
Cream Coffee
Espagnole
30
Dire Boar Chicharrón
CSF on Tap
Essence of Anchovy
31
Displacer Calamari
Dancha Tea
Fava Beans
32
Duckbunny Chow
Dwarven Firebrew
Fish Sauce
33
Duppy Doed-koecks
Egg Coffee
Flaming alcohol shot
34
Enfield etouffee over rice
Freshly squeezed Elf
Fritessaus
35
Fermented Allocamelus Yogurt
Ginger beer
Garum
36
Fish and Chips
Goat Milk
Ghee
37
Flail Snail Caviar
Granatus
Gherkins
39
Fresh Wild Haggis
Grog
Guacamole
40
Fried Thing on a Stick
Herbal Cordial
Hoisin Sauce
41
Fried Catoblepas Souseloaf
Herbal Tea
Hollandaise
42
Fruit Injected Water Termites
Hippocras
Holy Water
43
Gorgon Tongue Cold Cuts
Horchata
Honey
44
Hard-boiled Peryton Egg
Hwachae
Horseradish
45
Headcheese Onion Sandwich
Kefir
Hummus
46
Heraldic Hotpot
Kompot
Kimchi
47
Hodag Pasty
Kvass
Medium Hot Sauce
48
Imitation Sea-Monk Soup
Lahang
Mild Hot Sauce
49
Jellied Shug Monkey
Lassi
Mint
50
Jerked Leucrotta
Lavendar Water
Mole
51
Kank Honeydew
Lemonade
Mostarda
52
Kes’trekel Wings
Local Fruit Juice
Mummia
53
Literal Finger Sandwiches
Matcha
Mushroom Catsup
54
Lou Carcolh on the halfshell
Mbege
Olive Oil
55
Lychee and Blinkdog Stirfry
Mead
Olives
56
Mellified Pixies
Millet Beer
Parsley
57
Minotaur prairie oysters
Mineral Water
Peanut Sauce
58
Moambe Jba fofi
Moloko Plus
Pepper Jelly
59
Muscles and Fries
Moonshine
Persillade
60
Myconid Zapiekanka
Mulberry Gin
Pesto
61
Namazu Narezushi
Neera
Pevorade
62
Oozlum Fledgling Mahshi
Oenomel
Pickled Egg
63
Otyugh Ttongppang
Olm Sump Water
Pickled Lemon
64
Owlbear Jowl Tacos
Ouzo
Pimento cheese
65
Pâté du Strenchkow
Oxymel
Plum Sauce
66
Pheonix Balut
Pegasus Kumis
Ponzu
67
Pickled Flumph Tentacles
Peppered Thadal
Processed Cheese Dip
68
Pissing Shrimp
Perry
Quark
69
Pizza by the slice (Lucky you)
Pisco
Raw Onion
70
Poached Unicorn Sweetbreads
Pomace Wine
Red-eye Gravy
71
Popcorned Boggard Tadpoles
Posca
Romesco
71
Questionable Kebabs
Posset
Salsa Verde
72
Rare Troll Steaks
Salt and Lime
73
Raskovnik Salad
Pulque
Salt and Pepper
74
Rat-King Garlic Paella
Pyment
Sauerkraut
75
Roasted Shrieker Caps
Rosé
Sesame Oil
76
Roc Swarma
Rum
Slaw
77
Rotisserie Stirge
Sage Water
Sliced Almonds
78
Russet Mold Cheese
Sake
Smoked Paprika
79
Sahuagin Liver Ceviche
Sangria
Smörgåskaviar
80
Salmiak Ochre Jelly
Sarsaparilla
Sobre Sauce
81
Sarimanok Isaw
Sbiten
Sooth
82
Sausage?
Seagull wine
Soy Sauce
83
Scissorfish Fillets
Sharbat
Sweet Bean Sauce
84
Shaved Ice Mephit Halo-Halo
Shikanjvi
Sweet chili
85
Shredded Pork Cheek
Slivovitz
Teriyaki Sauce
86
Slow Roasted Alphyn Doners
Small Beer
Tomato Ketchup
87
Smoked Beholder Eyes
Strong Beer
Tomato Sauce
88
Soft-Shelled Crabman Sandwich
Sweet Tea
Tzatziki
89
Something Satay
Switchel
Umeboshi
90
Sonuvabitch Stew
Talbina
Unbearable Hot Sauce
91
Steamed Goose Tree Barnacles
Tepache
Velouté
92
Three-Legged Crow Pho
Tonic Water
Vinegar
93
Tikbalang Lumpia
Vodka
Wasabi
94
Toasted Zmei Kidneys
Warm Blood
White Gravy
95
Trent Charcoal Digestives
Wassail
Wine Mustard (Dijon)
96
Ushi-oni Nigiri
Water
Yeast Extract
97
Vegan Tartary Lamb Stigghiola
Whey
Yellow Mustard
98
Wolf-in-sheep's-clothing fricassee
Whiskey
Yogurt
99
Yateveo Blodplättar
Yak Butter Tea
Yuzu Peel
100
Spam + Reroll
Spit + Reroll
Poison + Reroll

As you see, there are a massive variety of options and combinations here, many of which might require you to hop onto google or Wikipedia to really get a sense of. I've included a variety of creatures as part of the dishes, but of course you can always be boring and use reasonable "normal" meat, given a shifting target of normal when it comes to street food. I highly suggest that if you are going to make use of this monster of a table, that you pull out your favorite rumor tables as well. Regardless of how hideous the food might be, there will undoubtedly be a shifting, busy and loud crowd around the stall. If you purchase something from the vendor they are more likely to give you a rumor with more truth. Repeat customers, of course, can slowly gain a certain relationship of reliability with the vendor who may be able to offer assistance in other ways.

I feel like a good table gives the GM character to work with rather than depth. 20, 19, 10, 10, 7 Vile Yusef of Hěn Duō Rè Shé whose food needs more sauce and sells primarily to gypsies. 50, 25, 3 His special today is Jerked Leucrotta with Agliata and cold Chaas. This is a man who sells garlicy, dry jerky made from a chimeric predator primarily to nomadic outsiders. He is called vile, why? Does he have foul language, does he stink of garlic, is he a wretched person? What are the sorts of weird news he knows from these exotic nomads? How reliable is any of it? How does he get a steady supply of this bizarre beast with mimicry skills? How will he react if you request more sauce? These are questions that a DM can easily use to fill in details as needed, developing the NPC to any depth that they prefer.

The most wonderful thing too about food vendors of this sort, is that they fit in almost any setting. Regardless of your time period or your region, there is someone on the side of the road that wants you to buy their deep fried something on a stick. Perhaps they have a rocket powered boat stall like Mr. Kim, perhaps it is a literal cart pulled by an annoyed burro, perhaps it is an advanced hologram in Neo Hong Kong, perhaps it is a a tent in a massive near-east style bazaar. These add a layer of depth to any location and can provoke such a variety of feelings for the characters and players. Perhaps it reminds one of home or really drives home the foreign nature of this new place. Maybe the players have their own delightful (or disgusting) street food experiences that add that layer of realness and depth. Maybe Vile Yusef above is someone's uncle or he's a retired adventurer or he needs the adventurers to go kill him more Leucrottas.

So be it in your city-crawl, home base, somewhere randomly in the Veins, I hope that you and your players find the Vittles and their Vendors to your upmost delight.


I would like to thank Monsieur of Bottomless Sarcophagus for commissioning this post. I really hope it fits your needs and your bout of flu clears up shortly so you can enjoy this! If any of you enjoy his work, check out the Zine he's helping to kickstart here: Silver Swords

10 comments:

  1. This is going right in the usable-pile!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah yes, quote gravy unquote, finest of delicacies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes one must risk it all in the name of adventure.

      Delete
  3. I like how you give links to the prairie oysters, or criadillas as we know them

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well given I’ve got the beverage and the snack, I figured I should differenciate them lol haha

      Delete