Thursday, June 21, 2018

Goody Mooncup's Joy of Potioncraft

Fat Witch by Jonas Jensen

Salutations my tasty poppets!

It is I, Goody Mooncup, here once again to spread my wisdom to all my lovelies. If you are a first time reader of my works, might I also suggest my informative pamphlets: "How Necromancy Saved My Marriage" and "Owls, Howls, and Bowels: Distressing Sounds and How to Cure Them."

Today, I would like to share with you some of the secrets to the wonderful art of Potioncrafting! If you like what you see here today, don't forget to buy my upcoming collection "Joy of Potioncraft: A Compilation of Reliable Reagents"  for the most reasonable price of 20 SP plus tax.

Ban-Ban Wafers 
Makes about a three dozen wafers

These crisp biscuits contain only about 2 grams of ectoplasm apiece, and are festive enough for a seance table. Be sure to use thick, fresh mucus so the filling will not be runny.

Preheat oven to Hansel and Gretel.

Whisk together thoroughly:
1 1/2 cups all-purpose mandrake flour
1/3 cup vegepygmy starch
1/2 teaspoon salt of hartshorn
1/4 teaspoon salt

Beat until well blended:
3 1/2 tablespoons unsalted minotaur butter, softened
3 tablespoons olive or poppy oil
1 tablespoon dryad syrup
1/2 cup beet sugar
1 large cockatrice egg
1/4 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest
2 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1/4 teaspoon almond extract

Stir the flour mixture into the ectoplasm mixture just until combined. With lightly greased hands, pull off pieces of the dough and roll between your palms into 3/4-inch balls; do not make them larger, as the wafers should be small and will puff and spread a bit during baking. Space the balls about 2 inches apart on the sheets. With your thumb, press down the center of each ball to make a large, deep well. Fill the wells with:
About 2/3 cup ectoplam, flavored with sage, apple, fig, or any local forbidden fruit.

Very lightly sprinkle the tops of the wafers with:
2 to 3 tablespoons chopped sliced blanched or unblanched trent nuts

Bake, 1 sheet at a time, until the tops are just barely tinged with brown. Remove the sheets to a rack and let stand until the cookies firm slightly, about 2 minutes. Transfer the wafers to racks to cool.


These lovely wafers are sure to not only impress your friends, but also banish all the parasitic spirits currently possessing their tattered souls. Only just yesterday, my lovelies, I served these with nightshade tea at my weekly game of bridge and Mistress Belle-chose, bless her black heart, had two imps and host of flies wriggle from her ears after just one wafer!


Cat's Claret
Makes 10, 1 cup servings

Chill two quarts assassin vine wine.

In a copper pot, heat a 1/2 quart of the same and stir while adding 1/2 cup brown sugar. Mix until sugar has fully dissolved. 

Using mortar and pestle, grind until a fine powder is achieved:
1 Tbsp. Cinnamon 
1 Tbsp. Ginger
1 Tbsp. Grains of Purgatory
1 Tbsp. Extra Long Pepper
1 Tbsp. Galingale 
1 Tbsp. Coriander 
1 Tbsp Sweetflag 
1 Tbsp. Catnip 

Place one ounce of the powder into cheesecloth and steep in the warm wine before adding to the chilled.

 

A multipurpose beverage that will make you the talk of the hamlet! With Galingale to stir up male virility, Sweetflag to induce labor, and Coriander to dispel gas, this delicious concoction has something for everyone. The only trouble, my lovely readers, is that you'll attract every cat in a two mile radius and I haven't quite worked out why!


Bonnie Beth's Bog Beverage 
Makes 1 sturdy flagon.

With thick leather gloves and a glass or copper container, combine:
1 gill aqua regia 
1 gill aqua vitae 
1 gram of dried mosquito larvae

 Dissolve pearl ash in 100 milligram scoops while mixing with a glass stirrer until the liquid has stopped smoking. Filter through charcoal.

Add resulting liquid to 2 pints of herbal schnaps. Chew one charcoal biscuit and quaff.


A recipe from my dear cousin Bonnie Beth, this digestif is sure to clear out even the most stubborn intestines! As an added bonus, this delicious concoction allows you to speak with mosquitoes so you won’t  be lonely in your water-closet. 


These recipes and many more await in "Joy of Potioncraft: A Compilation of Reliable Reagents"! Send your carrier pigeon today and get a free rat's tail bookmark and a signature from yours truly.

Until next time, Stay Tasty, my Lovelies. 



If you Tasty Lovelies out there have a question or concern that has been bothering you, please scratch them into the forehead of a goat skull and bury it in the woods. Each skull is carefully reviewed by our staff of marsh goblins. Goody Mooncup receives many skulls but some are lost in transit or are whisked away by the goblins, and thus she cannot answer everyone. We thank you for understanding.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Who do that Hoodoo?


I'm going to walk you down a road of old oaks and hanging spanish moss. I'm going to guide you down to my home in the Lowcountry of the southern US, a place of superstition and magic. Growing up, I was surrounded by stories and folk beliefs. I heard the tales of Brer Rabbit, I was warned about the Boohag and the Plat-eye, I was told why the shutters were robin's egg blue and why you always left a broom by the front door. For, you see, magic was being worked all around me, a magic called The Root.



The Root is both a broad term for the hoodoo folk beliefs of the area and a specific term for a type of gris-gris or medicine bag that is a common charm associated with the beliefs. Rootwork comes in many forms, from the creation of small Root talismans to protect from the evil eye, to the painting of windows Haint Blue to ward off spirits, to "chewing the root" to curse those who would do you harm. My home area was known for a number of Root Doctors, such as Doctor Bug and Doctor Eagle, but the two most infamous were Doctor Buzzard and Sheriff James E. McTeer. Stephney Robinson was and still is considered the greatest Root Doctor of all time and his Mantle of Doctor Buzzard continues to be passed down, with his grandson still practicing Rootwork under the ancestral title. Sheriff McTeer was his archnemesis, a lawman who practiced the Root and used these tools to combat those using The Root to con and scare people.

James Edward McTeer, Root Doctor and Sheriff
There are dozens of stories of Sheriff McTeer's and Doctor Buzzard's conflicts and each time Doctor Buzzard would escape through his trickery. From catching bullets to escaping from coffins as a black cat, there seemed to be nothing that could hold the old Root Doctor. Even the court of law could get no airtight cases around him, as he sat before the judge in his purple tinted shades, chewing the root. In fact his ability to avoid the law was so profound that many of his "customers" would pay for him to make a powder that could be sprinkled in the court room to confound lawyers and witnesses. Supposedly, he quit his more criminal ways after Sheriff McTeer placed a Root on one of Doctor Buzzard's sons, resulting in the young man crashing his car off of one of the many local bridges and drowning in the Port Royal sound.

The Woods Memorial Bridge in Beaufort, SC.
I feel that the concept of Root Doctors could be made a class in and of itself, but I'm going to save that for another time. For now, I'm going to hand out a few resources that could bring a little Lowcountry Root flavor to your game.

Root Monsters

Don't let the Boo Hag ride you!

The Boohag

HD 5
Appearance: In the day, a scrawny, crooked, mean tempered old woman; in the night, a bloody red skinless spirit.
Wants: To ride your chest, steal your breath, and haunt your dreams
Armour: Leather, immune to non-magical weapons at night
Move: 1/2 Normal during day, 2x Normal (Fly) at night
Morale: 8
Damage: See below

Steal Breath: Once per night, Boohag may target a sleeping creature. This creature falls into a deeper nightmare filled sleep and be unable to wake until they are exposed to natural light. During this time, the Boohag will ride wildly upon their chest and suck away their breath, dealing 1d6 CON damage. If a creature dies from this effect, the Boohag increases their HD by 1 and the creature is unable to be resurrected by anything less than a Wish effect.

Claw: In either form, the Boohag has terrible sharp nails that deal damage as a dagger.

Spellcasting:  The Boohag often works as a proficient Root Worker and can use any of the Root Magic listed or can use Necromancer Spells as a Magic User of half her HD in levels.

The Boohag is a terrible creature who wears human flesh in the day, and sloughs it off to seek victims in the night. During the day, the Boohag appears as a terrible old lady looking all the part of a hideous witch. During the night, the Boohag strips her flesh away and flies forth as a bloody wild spirit. She will choose a sleeping victim and "ride" them, sitting on their chest and filling them with nightmares while she steals their breath. Many victims of night terrors and sleep paralysis are in fact victims of a Boohag. There are a few certain ways to protect oneself from a Boohag. The most common are to leave a broom or a flour sifter outside your front door. She will become so busy with counting the bristles or holes that she'll soon need to flee the dawning sun. The other fool proof method is to carry a Boo-Daddy, a type of charm described below. The only way to permanently destroy a Boohag is to burn their skin while they are out of it. You can also torture and banish a boohag by rubbing salt and chili powder into the skin.

This, plus it is screaming at you in Aunt Mildred's voice.


Plat-Eye

HD 3
Appearance: A shifting shadow with a single plate sized glowing eye, often takes the form of a large black dog.
Wants: To lead you astray, to protect hidden treasure.
Armour: Chain, immune to non-magical weapons
Move: 2x Normal
Morale: 12- conditional
Damage: See below.

Terrible Transformation: The Plat-Eye can turn itself into anything out of nightmare, such a giant maggot riddled dog or a screaming inverted head or anything out of Veins of the Earth. This does not change its stats or attack, but each time it transforms it may target one creature who is then affected by Cause Fear. If using the GLOG system, assume a 4 [Dice] casting.

Corrupting Touch: The Plat-Eye's mere touch is harmful to living flesh. Its attack bypasses all non magical armor and deals 1d4 damage that cannot be healed without the presence of sunlight. 

The Plat-eye is a hideous type of undead warden created by those who wish to protect buried treasure. They are created when one versed in The Root buries the head of one they consider an enemy along side whatever it is they wish to protect. From the head, a vile solid shadow arises and keeps an eternal vigil. When confronted, the creature transforms itself into various awful forms, meant to frighten away would be treasure-seekers. Bringing a Plat-Eye to 0 HP banishes it for the night, but it will regenerate on the next moonrise. The only way to permanently defeat the Plat-Eye is to dig up its buried head and either destroy it utterly or give it its last rights. Confronting a Plat-Eye with a boodaddy or part of its original body will half its Morale score.

It's not called Root for nothing folks!

Root Magic Items

Any Root Worker can create one of these items given the materials and time. Each one is made specifically for an individual and thus will not work for another unless freely given.

Root Mojo: The most basic form of Root, this talisman is a small sewn up packet filled with special roots, herbs, bones, and other items of magical significance. It should be small enough to hang on a necklace or fit in a pocket. These mojo are mainly concerned with affecting the bearer's luck and can provide a +2 to roll associated with the mojo's purpose. These purposes are usually for things such as fertility, finding fortune/work, being safe at sea etc. These mojos can be used inversely by burying them on property owned by a target, thus "burying" their luck. This causes a -2 penalty instead and can only be dispelled by digging up and disposing of the Root.

Boodaddy: Created from a mixture of marsh mud, Spanish moss, sweet grass and salt water, the Boodaddy is a small humanoid doll with a bloated head and an atrophied body. After incubating it in an oyster shell for one week, the Boodaddy is infused with protective magic. A single Boodaddy will provide protection from 1 HD worth of Undead or Root Monster, rendering them unable to attack you. Attacking the creature yourself will break this protective magic. Multiple Boodaddies stack and the homes of those targeted by especially dangerous spirits might be covered in the small dolls. Every full moon, the Boodaddies animate and troop down to the closest river to sip oyster nectar and renew their power.

Goofer Dust: Raw magical reagents ground into a powder, Goofer Dust can act similarly to a potion or a scroll depending upon method of use. One could spread it across an area or toss it at a target, similarly one may mix it into water and drink it. Normally a specific spell might be prepared into the Goofer Dust, however an especially mischievous Root Worker may leave the dust unfocused and full of wild magic. This is your excuse to pull out whatever wild magic or Rod of Wonder effects table you might like. The only consistent theme of Goofer Dust is that it is used for malevolent or subversive purposes.

Black Cat Bone: Take a black cat and boil it alive. It will speak as a man and try to tempt you and stop you, but you must ignore it. Put the boiled cat in a canvas bag then pour it out over a swift moving river. One of its bones will float to the surface and move upstream rather than downstream. Collect this bone and ensure it doesn't see the light of day. By including this bone in a mojo or by holding it in your mouth, you may turn invisible as long as there is a shadow to hide in. The bone will eventually become brittle and lose its power on the following full moon, but remains a potent component for general use in Goofer Dust or Mojos.

Hoodoo Water, GMO and Pesticide Free!


Root Spells

There are many possible spells I could design here, but as I plan on making a Root Doctor class eventually, I'll just lay down a few.

High John The Conqueror
R: Touch T: creature D: [dice] hours or until used
A literal root spell, this creates a temporary talisman from a type of jalap root called John the Conqueror Root. The bearer of this root is enchanted to "get lucky." This will allow the user to have a +2 bonus to any seduction relate rolls and will ensure conception after any sexual congress. The user can alternatively use up all the luck at once and add [Sum] to any roll where luck or gambling is the primary determining factor of the roll.


Hotfoot Powder
R: 2x[sum] feet radius T: Area D: [Dice] Hours
A temporary protection against those who would do you harm, Hotfoot Powder is spread in an approximate circle around an area and creates an inpenetrable ward against disembodied undead. When cast, the caster can also identify a single unique being of 2x[dice] HD to be similarly warded against. If the caster, or whomever spreads the Hotfoot Powder, steps over the circle, the magic is nullified.


Two Headed (Wo)Man
R: 0 T: Self D: [dice] x 10 minutes/Permanent
As Wizard Vision, except it can only be cast on oneself. The caster can also mitigate the Permanent aspects of the spell by wearing purple tinted spectacles. Root Lore Note: Called this because the caster has a "head in both worlds."


Haint Blue for warding off Haints, Hags, and other Horribles.


Root Superstitions

  1. The Bottle Tree: A tree with blue glass bottles hanging upon it, evil spirits seek refuge in the bottles but are then trapped and destroyed with the rising sun.
  2. Haint Blue: Painting doors, shutters, or porch ceilings "Haint Blue", kind of a robin's egg blue, will provide protection from hostile spirits.
  3. The Written Word: By placing a parchment with writing in your shoe or papering the walls of a home with printed word, you may protect yourself from spirits as they must slowly read every word before they are able to possess or attack you.
  4. Wasps and Snakes: Stinging insects and snakes will not fully die until sundown, rending even their ashes as potent and dangerous until then.
  5. Knives: Carrying a new knife that has never been used on wood can be used to combat evil spirits.
  6. Rabbit Foot: A rabbit's foot brings good luck. The left hind foot of a rabbit that lived in a graveyard brings the best luck.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Random Table of Metaphysical Courtiers

These folks, just with more eldritch appendages and auxiliary mouths.


Okay, so we have Princes and we have Kings, what about everything else? Well, what is royalty without a court of hangers on, landed gentry, and conniving aristocracy? So, we've got courtiers and Lesser Nobility. They don't rule over aspects of reality as the Kings and Princes do, they are more like the means by which they rule. If you had Wizard Vision, you would probably see the Marquis of Leg Lifting and its Knights ensuring that your dog is peeing correctly or the Earl of Earwax measuring the amount of cerumen in the Princess' ears. Mind you, not everyone in a Court is a Courtier. The itinerant Fools who wander between court to court are what we mortals typically refer to as Gods, and they have nothing to do with the way the world works.

See that monkey? That is who collects your prayers.
Cobbled Skald by Kieth Thompson
So, you need some random spirit, something for the Wizard to be abscently staring at, something that flirts just at the corner of someone's eye (probably the Count of Tears, counting their tears). Here's just a random table of beings that could be encounters, be subject of inane peasant beliefs, or just fill in background space.

Roll
Title
Domain
1
Abbot
Acne
2
Admiral
Arms
3
Allamah
Bad Hairdye Jobs
4
Archbishop
Bent Playing Cards
5
Archdeacon
Bones
6
Archduke
Book Glue
7
Archon
Chips
8
Archpriest
Clips
9
Baron 
Cobwebs
10
Baronet
Copper Wire
11
Bey
Corks
12
Bishop
Crumpled Hats
13
Burgermeister
Déjà vu
14
Captain
Deflated Balls
15
Cardinal
Delayed Punchlines
16
Chairperson
Discarded Skin
17
Chamberlain
Dregs of Leftovers
18
Chancellor
Drunken Notes to Yourself
19
Chief 
Earwax
20
Colonel
Earworms
21
Commander
Erotic Salt/Pepper Shakers
22
Constable
Explained Itches
23
Corporal
Eye Floaters
24
Corrector
Eyes
25
Councillor
Faded Drawings
26
Count
Fake Banana Flavor
27
Dàifu 
Fingerprints on Glasses
28
Deacon 
Flavor of Electricity
29
Dean
Flotsom
30
Doctor
Flying in Dreams
31
Don
Forgetting Dreams
32
Duke
Frustrating Sticky Things
33
Earl
Funny Bone Reactions
34
Earl Marshal
Half-Lives
35
Elder
Homemade Knit Sweaters
36
Esquire
Idealized Crushes
37
Evangelist
Inescapable Halitosis
38
Faqih
Insomniatic Eureka Moments
39
Fellow
Jamais vu
40
Foreign minister
Jetsam
41
General
Kazoos
42
Gong 
Legs
43
Goodperson
Loose Change
44
Governor
Lost Left Socks
45
Grand Admiral
Meat Byproducts
46
Grand duke
Metallic Tastes
47
Grand Master
Mildew Smells
48
Hadrat
Missing Checkers Pieces
49
Herald
Missing, but Important Documents
50
Hidalgo
Mistletoe
51
Imam
Moldy, but Salvageable Food
52
Inquisitor
Molting
53
Junior Technician
Non-wet Dog Smell
54
Keeper
Once Met Relatives
55
Khawaja
Overly Ornate Silverware
56
Knight
Overstuffed Containers
57
Laoshi 
Paper Scraps
58
Lieutenant
Parallax
59
Lord
Perfectly Crisp Bacon
60
Magister
Popping Joints
61
Majordomo
Presque vu
62
Mandarin
Pretty Stones
63
Marquis
Random Goosebumps
64
Mayor
Random Embarrassing Memories
65
Mogul
Rennet
66
Monsignor
Rings You Can't Afford
67
Naib
Rote Behaviors
68
Prelate
Rusted Locks
69
Presbyter
Saliva
70
President
Sawdust
71
Primate
Shed eyelashes
72
Prime minister
Shedding
73
Pursuivant
Skipping Stones
74
Reader
Snapped Violin Strings
75
Reverend
Sneezes Caused by Light
76
Sacristan
Sore Teeth
77
Sahib
Spectacles
78
Saint
Spicy Food Regrets
79
Senator
Stagnant Water
80
Sergeant
Stones in Shoes
81
Sheik
Stubbed Toes
82
Shifu 
Sweat
83
Shigong 
Taxidermied Pets
84
Sir
The Glint of Gold
85
Squire
Things That Aren't Mint
86
Starosta
Tongues
87
Tenzo
Too Specific Lies
88
Tóngzhi 
Travelling Dread
89
Tribune
Unexplained Itches
90
Venerable
Unintended Compliments
91
Vicar general
Unintended Insults
92
Viceroy
Unwarranted Animosity
93
Viscount
Vague Sense of Being Followed
94
Vizer
Vaguely humanoid representations
95
Voivode
Verrucas
96
Weiyuán 
Very Slight Breezes
97
Xiansheng
Warped Reflections
98
Xiaozhang 
Waving Back to Strangers
99
Zhuxi 
Wet Dog Smell
100
Zongshi 
Words on the tip of your tongue



This, just so dense that you can't see your hands.