Monday, June 10, 2019

Making Amends with Buer



Saturday, June 8, 2019

d100 Bottled Things



What's it in:
  1. Vial
  2. Mason jar
  3. Amphora
  4. Bocksbeutel
  5. Canteen
  6. Bota bag
  7. Demijohn
  8. Calabash
  9. Flacon
  10. Gasogene
  11. Bologna bottle
  12. Growler
  13. Hip Flask
  14. Jerrycan
  15. Klein bottle
  16. Lacrymatory
  17. Fiasco
  18. Porron
  19. Witch bottle
  20. Glass Onion

Don't de-kleine one of these bottles! (I derserve whatever I get)

How Much is there (Only roll this if you are prepared to deal with some shenanigans, anything above a Midas is probably in a Barrel, but maybe a giant left her huge freaking canteen lying around):
  1. Piccolo- 1 approx. 6 ounce dose, equal to about a glass of wine. 
  2. Demi- 2 doses
  3. Jennie- 3 doses
  4. Standard- 4 doses
  5. Litre- 5 doses
  6. Magnum- 8 Doses
  7. Jeroboam- 16 Doses
  8. Rehoboam- 25 Doses
  9. McKenzie- 28 Doses
  10. Methuselah- 33 Doses
  11. Salmanazar- 50 Doses
  12. Balthazar-  68 Doses
  13. Nebuchadnezzar- 85 Doses
  14. Melchior/Solomon- 101 Doses
  15. Primat/Goliath- 152 Doses
  16. Melchizedek/Midas- 169 Doses
  17. Rundlet- 384 Doses
  18. Barrel-672 Doses
  19. Tierce- 896
    1. Hogshead- 1344 Doses
    2. Puncheon/Tertian- 1792 Doses 
    3. Pipe/Butt- 2688 Doses
    4. TUN- 5376 Doses

 What's Within:
  1. Water- 50% chance fresh, 50% salt
  2. Subtle Fluid
    1.  Heat- Concentrated heat. A vial can boil a gallon of water. A vat could boil a reasonably sized lake. 
    2. Electricity- essentially a Leyden Jar, boil it to hear messages from other worlds.
    3. Phlogiston- Combustion made manifest, pretty much highest quality rocket fuel
    4. Light- A phial is essentially a candle, a Tun a high intensity spotlight. Opening it will let all the light escape instantly in a blinding flash. Makes a great anti-vampire grenade. 
  3. Nothing
  5. A playing card, the one you pulled from the magician's deck when you were a child.
  6. Teeth
    1. Human
    2. Animal
    3. Monster
    4. A single massive fang
  7. A ship, complete with crew
  8. A miniaturized arboretum
  9. Ant Farm 
    1. Sugar
    2. Harvester
    3. Honeypot
    4. Fire
    5. Army
    6. Bullet
  10. Preserved Organ
    1. Animal
    2. Human
    3. Monster
    4. Alien/Devil/Angel/OTHER
  11. Wine
    1. Vinegar
    2. Cheap
    3. Middling
    4. High
    5. Rare Vintage
    6. Black Pear Wine
  12. Oil
    1. Cooking (Olive, Sesame, or some such)
    2. Fish
    3. Whale
    4. Kerosene
    5. Petroleum
    6. Sebum
  13. Blood
    1. Human
    2. Animal
    3. Monster
    4. Alien/Devil/Angel/OTHER
  14. Beans
    1. Normal
    2. Extra Musical
    3. Jumping
    4. Magic
  15. Message- 50% chance of being water damaged beyond use
    1. Stranded on an island, send help
    2. Stranded on an island, do not send help
    3. Really Terrible Poetry
    4. Good Poetry
    5. Treasure Map
    6. Spell Scroll
  16. Ooze
    1. Black Pudding
    2. Mustard Jelly
    3. Gray Ooze
    4. Ocher Jelly
    5. Gelatinous "cube"
    6. Green Slime
  17. Pure Element: Roll on the Periodic Table d100, ignore Mendelevium and above because that's just silly. 
  18. Colorful Carbonated Sugar Beverage 
    1. Outstanding Orange
    2. Rousing Red
    3. Playful Pink
    4. Bodacious Blue
    5. Yummy Yellow
    6. ██████████████
  19. Spices
    1. Long Pepper
    2. Grains of Paradise
    3. Ginger
    4. Cinnamon
    5. Cardamom
    6. Saffron
  20. Salt, 50% of being Blessed
  21. Pickled...
    1. Gherkins
    2. Cabbage
    3. Eggs
    4. Pig's Feet
    5. Jellied Eels
    6. Hand (sized appropriately for the container)
  22. Seeds
    1. Wild Flower
    2. Roasted Sunflower
    3. Random Fruit
    4. Random Vegetable 
    5. Mandrake, or other mythic herb
    6. Single Dryad seed
  23. Smell
    1. Feet
    2. Cheese
    3. Animal Musk
    4. Cheap Cologne
    5. Incense 
    6. Exotic Perfume
  24. Potion
  25. Insubstantial Potion Ingredient
    1. Sound of Cat's Footstep
    2. Breath of a Fish
    3. Cunning of a Bear
    4. Moonlight
    5. Innocence of a Child
    6. An Eternal Moment
  26. Liquid Privative
    1. Ignorance- Takes up the space that knowledge normally sits. Could, for example, permanently fill a Skill slot. 
    2. Darkness- Faster than light because it is already there. Deeper black than vantablack, the absolute absence of light.
    3. Debt- Plops out in thick purple chunks, annihilates an equal mass of gold when touched. Drinking causes the imbiber's wealth to decrease an equal amount, first turning currency to dust then rotting away personal possessions, real estate, and other forms of wealth.
    4. Sobriety- Looks like the most intense coffee ever. Cancels out an equal amount of alcohol. Drinking while already sober will make you Knurd.
    5. Cold- Not just cold or the absence of heat. If Planck Temperature is 1 and Absolute 0 is 0, this is -1. 
    6. Death- Looks like a bunch of torn black rags in black ink. Anything fully submersed in it is made so utterly dead that there is no coming back from it. Stick a finger in it and not only do you lose the use of that finger, but all incarnations of you through the centuries will lose it. 
  27. Ink
    1. Henna
    2. Iron Gall Ink
    3. India Ink
    4. Invisible Ink
    5. Bottled Book
    6. Kraken Ink
  28. Swarm of Insects
    1. BEES
    2. LOCUSTS
    4. ROACHES
    5. HORNETS
    6. SPIDERS- 50% chance of being just one really big angry spider
  29. Poison- Roll on your favorite random poison list because I can't be bothered to find a link for one.
  30. Disease
  31. A Smaller Bottle, roll again. Potential for infinite matryoshka effect. 
  32. Marbles
  33. Powdered Water
  34. Honey
    1. Honey- Sweet
    2. Royal Jelly- Sweet, feel like Royalty
    3. Mirror Honey- Colorless, mix with bourbon and lemon to make Ambrosia. 
    4. Crimson Honey- Powerful painkiller, intensely addictive
    5. Prisoner's Honey- Transports you to a dreamland beyond mirrors. 
    6. Empress Jelly- Turns you into a Bee Person. 
  35. Beverage
  36. Fish
    1. Salted and Preserved
    2. Rotten and Stinking
    3. Fermented into a sauce
    4. Bottled Aquarium, alive. 
  37. Flying Ointment- Apply to object or similar to travel per Wyrd Transport for 1 hour. A single dose can affect a broom, a house will require enough to paint it (1 gallon to 350 square feet or ~4 liters to ~33 square meters). Apply to self to have an awesome hallucinogenic trip about flying for 1 hour.
  38. Ferrofluid
  39. Dirt
  40. Dirt!
  41. Paint- 1d8, ROYGBIV+Octarine 
  42. Friendly Gloop
  43. Red Goop
  44. Living Idea- Invisible and intangible, yet somehow still noticeably there. Consummation implants idea into your head 
    1. A political philosophy
    2. A funny joke
    3. A recipe
    4. A thought consuming meme/earworm
    5. Plans for an ancient superweapon
    6. A cringe worthy sensation (like toothpicks under fingernails or chewing aluminum foil)
  45. Genie
    1. Ghoul- Pours out like ink, reforms and seeks meat.
    2. Hinn- Treat as a Familiar
    3. Ifrit- Angry, fiery, give her one good reason not to split you in twain.
    4. Nasnas- Looks like half a person, one leg, one arm etc. Can kill with a touch, may offer services for a limb. 
    5. Jann- Swirling out like miniature dust storm, thankful for its freedom and will do a favor within its power for you
    6. Marid- A several story tall being (how'd it fit in the bottle?!). It will grant a single wish if you can stump it with a riddle, best it in battle, or flatter in a manner it has never experienced.
  46. Demon-1d72. BEWARE OF 10
  47. Golem Clay- Pre-enchanted clay that can be used to make an appropriately sized golem. 1% daily chance to go berserk.
  48. Wizard Drugs
  49. Alchemical Concoction
    1. Aqua Vitae- Yes, this is essentially just brandy. 
    2. Greek Fire/Alchemist's Fire
    3. Aqua regia
    4. Vitriol
    5. Animal glue
    6. Gun Powder
  50. Disgusting Goblin Collection
    1. Earwax
    2. Stolen Hair
    3. Snot
    4. Nail clippings
    5. Pig Grease
    6. Eyeballs
  51. Booze
    1. Skunked Beer
    2. Cider
    3. Mead
    4. Applejack
    5. Gin
    6. Whiskey
  52. CSF
  53. A very small Wizard and their very small tower.
  54. Homunculus- Sized to the bottle, feed it an amount of blood equal to the bottle it came in daily. Slowly becomes more like the creature whose blood it is fed. Acts as a hireling with 12 Morale. 
  55. Concentrate of Bonnacon
  56. Sealed Elemental
    1. Salamander
    2. Undine
    3. Slyph
    4. Gnome
  57. Sauce
  59. Trapped Ghost
  60. Tube Food- All various shades of Beige
    1. Mashed Potatos
    2. Meat Slurry
    3. Pudding?
    4. Oatmeal/Cream of Wheat/Grits, whichever you don't prefer
    5. Peanut Butter
    6. Wet Carboard
  61. A normal toad. Anything put into the bottle is put into temporal stasis. 
  62. Angel's Share Whiskey- Purges all sin from the imbiber, 5% chance of drawing attention of unhappily sober Angels. 
  63. A Prince
  64. Hoodoo Roots
    1. John The Conquorer- Good for gambling and seduction
    2. Celadine- Wards of witches and police officers oddly enough
    3. Holly- Protective, used for summoning good spirits
    4. Goofer Dust- Grave dirt collected after midnight, good fo curses
    5. Chewing John- For obfusticating courtrooms
    6. Mint- For breaking curses
  65. Mansion in a Bottle- Break open to grow into 1d100 room Mansion. 1-in-6 chance of being haunted.
  66. STUFF: Looks like mercury but staring it gives you a migraine and a sense of unease. Reacts strongly with emotion and imagination to create monstrosities. Reacts explosively with FOX, treat as a Fireball with MD equal to the total number of doses of STUFF and FOX dived by 2.
  67. FOX: Liquid junk information. Acts like holy water on any creature that could have feasibly arise from human imagination (dragons, vampires, elves, goblins, not normal animals or humans). Reacts explosively with STUFF, treat as a Fireball with MD equal to the total number of doses of STUFF and FOX dived by 2.
  68. Aloe Vera
  69. Lubricant
  70. All the Mezcal worms that have gone uneaten.
  71. Fluoroantimonic acid
  72. A Fairy!
  73. Captured Echo
    1. Laughter
    2. Hello, ello, llo, lo, o
    3. HELP ME!
    4. Rubber baby buggy bumpers. Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
    5. Gregorian Chanting
    6. The Voice of God
  74. A Deconstructed Owl- Larger bottles may contain a Parliament of Deconstructed Owls.
  75. Distilled Emotion
    1. Apathy
    2. Joy
    3. Anger
    4. Despair
    5. Ecstacy
    6. Fear 
  76. Distilled Obscure Emotions
    1. Gigil
    2. Pena ajena
    3. Waldeinsamkeit
    4. Saudade
    5. L'abbiocco
    6. Jijivisha
  77. A list of Bottled Things
  78. [NULL]- Looks like white noise, smells like ozone, feels like your arms fallen asleep, sounds like static, tastes like bumping your elbow nerve. Pouring it over something removes all unique identifiers and reduces it to the most generic possible form of the object
  79. G̶͓͉̘̈̕͠L̸͎͌̉I̵̢̬̐̌̀T̵̙̓̈̃C̶͍͐Ḧ̴̳͍ ̴̧̢̈́J̴̪̎́̕U̵̱͛̌̏Ị̸͍̥͑͌Ç̷̨̃̈Ę̴̱̓- Looks like ████, smells like ████, feels like ████, sounds like ████, tastes like ████. Pouring it over something randomizes some quality of it, veering towards the overtly unique. 
  80. An Ego Sprite
  81. Fluke Shark(s)
  82. Math Drug
  83. Bottled Vicariousness- Experience a day in the life of another person. Randomize race/class for a day.
  84. Actually a portal to the bottom of the sea, there is a red beard hair and lip smudges...
  85. Weight- Looks like bacon grease. Doubles the weight of anything it is slathered onto.
  86. Decanter of Endless... 
    1. Air
    2. Water
    3. Farts
    4. Blood
    5. Milk
    6. Rum
  87. Snake Oil
  88. Green Slime
  89. Giant- They are a lot bigger when you let them out of the bottle.
  90. Liquid Velvet
  91. Powered Bezoar
  92. Bird Spit- Worth a fortune to the right people
  93. Dragon's Blood- A taste teaches you the language of birds, may have other less annoying uses.
  94. Diamond Nectar
  95. Yogurt- What? Sometimes you get hungy.
  96. Imp- Will grant Monkey's Paw corrupted wishes, dying with it in your possession sends you to hell.
  97. Sovereign Glue- Because it is traditional.
  98. Alkahest/Universal Solvent-Because it is traditional.
  99. Azoth- The Universal Medicine, The Universal Life Force. Can heal any wound, bring back the dead, inspire minds to new heights of creativity. It is the light of creation distilled into liquid form. It is the opposite of THE ORKUS. One dose will heal all wounds, remove all poisons and disease, and indefinitely prolong the imbiber's lifespan. Further doses Save vs. Death or immolate in holy fire, leaving nothing behind. Each further success become immune to a type of damage (such a fire, slashing, etc.). 6 successes results in Apotheosis and the character becoming an NPC Demi-god. 
  100. Roll Twice and Mix, might be a great cocktail, might be Buer covered in honey.

Friday, May 17, 2019

Dear Goody Mooncup Episode Three: Crows, Curses, Wheels, and Worms

Name: Lich-in-Training

Message: Dear Goody Mooncup

I recently had my spare decoy phylactery pilfered by some murderous ruffians. Embarrassing, I know. I hear you are an expert of curses of a curious sort. Do you have any suggestions for potential viciousness I could inflict on them from afar?

Yours sincerely etcetera etcetera

Dear Semi-lich,

Oh my dear necromantic friend, I know all too well the struggle you have been through. Only a few moons ago did a roving pack of these so called "adventurers" kick down the door of my dear friend Granny Greengout and ran off with her cauldron. Her cauldron of all things! And her dinner along with it. If someone wanted that ten year old so badly, they shouldn't have left him by the bog. Anyways dear, I'll tell you what I told Greengout. These sorts always want to steal things that are shiny, of obvious worth, or appeal to their sense of narrative. The first defense then is to always make sure your various magical baubles appear less King's Ransom and more peasant flea market. A nice dense rock is as good a phylactery as a ruby if you go about it right. The second step is, of course, the curses. I always prepare my curses ahead of time as it is much more simple to set the curse's trigger as "Anyone but Goody" than to have to enact sympathetic magic after the fact.

 That said, if you believe the phylactery is still in their possession, I am always quite thrilled to see a good Fafnir Curse go off. Created a miniature clay representation of your phylactery and a sympathetic fetish of the one who stole it. Into the fetish place the organs of a large rat in the approximate order of a humans save for the heart. Crush the heart, smear it across the phylactery, and stitch it into the chest of the fetish. If the curse takes correctly, the afflicted should become increasingly obsessed with the well real fake phylactery, it becomes their one heart's desire. Any attempt to remove it from their possession will result in mood swings, distress, and violent reactions. The best part is if they survive for long enough, it'll eventually turn them into another horde gathering dragons. This is great not only because it gives adventurers someone other than you to hassle, but it helps wonderfully with dragon conservation efforts.

I hope all the best in your eventual conversion to full undeath.

Goody Mooncup

Name: Gorinich

Message: Dear Goody Mooncup, how do I get rid of Buer? It's been three weeks and  I don't think I can take anymore philosophy. Best regards, Gorinich.

Dear Un-Buer-able.

The most important thing when tempted by Buer is to step back and really think over the choices you've made up to the point in your life. No matter what choices they were, none of them will be as terrible in retrospect to calling on Buer. That said, now that you've already given into the forbidden wheel and let him into your home, the most reasonable choice is to simply burn everything to the ground and start anew. He'll have, by now, slept in all your sheets, chewed on all your pillows, left ring stains in your tub, left greasy hoof prints everywhere, drank directly from the milk carton, invited over your weird uncle and got drunk on your best spirits, yelled at your neighbors, left hairs in the deodorant, incited your garden to rebellion, left love poems to Sagitarius in the margins of all your books, argued with you over the shape of the planet, and eaten your cat and/or dog. This is not included all the shenanigans he gets into when he starts calling in his own minions and cultist. I imagine at this point, three weeks in, they've "liberated" all of the wheels within several miles.

As the Great President of Hell, the only thing that Buer truly fears is impeachment. If you are able to get the signatures of at least have of his fellow Goetic demons, you may be able to scare him off. But really, its probably about time you burned everything down and stayed as far as possible from anything circular.

Sincerely and good luck,
Goody Mooncup

Name: Olgra Crowton

Message: Dear Goody Mooncup

I have long had an love and association with local wildlife and recently have befriended a family of 5 crows.  Every morning they would caw and caw in my yard so I began to feed them raw peanuts. As my friendship grew with this family of crows I decided to become a friendlier feeder so to speak and started roasting the peanuts. I then began noticing changes in the crows with this new diet of cooked nuts!! Have I unwillingly unleashed a new evolutionary stepping stone of super crow!!!??? Should I be worried,  fearful even??!! Will they consider me their god of protein?? Or will they turn on me??!!  Whaaaaaaaaaaat lays in my future? Any advice would be helpful!

Thank you Goody!!!

Dear Crow-ny,

Ah, it is hard to beat a good crow as a familiar. Smart as a whip and prone to bringing home shiny presents. Much better than that brief stint I had with owls, who only ever brought me vomited mouse skeletons. Legumes are quite a nice treat for these feathered friends, though I'm sure they'd prefer a good squirrel tartare. Roasting your peanuts do unlock a whole new level of nutritional value for these crows, but I do not think you'll need to worry about these evolving into psychic super crows or the possibility that they will begin erecting shrines in your honor.

 If these be mundane crows, they may begin bringing you small gifts as they are one of the few animals who seem to have an understanding of trade. However there is always the off chance that one or more of these crows are much more than they appear in the first place. It wouldn't be the first time a troupe of Imps have decided to mess with a mortal and get from free food out of the bargain as well. I suggest, for safety's sake, to add a little hot sauce to your next batch of peanuts. If the crows eat them with usual relish, then they are ordinary birds. If, however, they begin to do that hot-mouth two-step you've got a batch of imps. Other answers include adding holy water to your bird bath or making a sacrifice to the Demon Lord Caim and asking him if any of his minions have looked especially fat lately. 


Goody Mooncup

Name: Leslie

Message: Hello.

We (Knight Owl Publishing) just launched our very first Kickstarter for a really cool, new, OSR sourcebook called Worm Witch: The Life and Death of Belinda Blood! We are super excited and we were hoping you might be willing to help us out by sharing it on your blog or on social media. Here are the details and a link to the Kickstarter... and a link to our Facebook page in case you'd like to share our post..

The book is packed full of awesome role-playing goodies including:

Annalida: a complete island setting with maps, descriptions, encounters, NPCs, treasure, and more!

Two brand new OSR classes: the Worm Witch and the Worm Warden!

A comprehensive section on Worm Magic, with 42 spells!

A mini-bestiary full of worms!

Tons of the most amazing artwork we’ve ever done!

In addition, we are super excited to announce that Worm Witch: The Life and Death of Belinda Blood will be the first ever official third-party sourcebook for Necrotic Gnome’s insanely awesome Old School Essentials ruleset.

I hope you can help.


Dear Dame Leslie, the Owl-Knight,

Well my dear it looks like you've less got a question for dear old Goody Mooncup and more of an advertisement. While I do not normally do this sort of thing,dear Belinda has always deserved to have a book written about her. Her ingenious uses for worms always astounded me, though I have to admit riding of Broom Worms was something perhaps beyond my sensibilities. 

My travels have never brought be to Meatlandia, but it is hard not to have heard of the Worm Witchs' desperate battle for freedom from the Meat Lord. It is terrible to hear of such a passionate and peaceful sisterhood should have to descend into hiding and guerrilla warfare, and I can only hope that publishing Belinda Blood's story may help their cause.  

I do wish to remind any of my readers who may purchase this tome, bath in the Blood Lake of Annalida at your own risk. If you wish for safer sanguineous bathing opportunities, please refer to The Bloody Beauty by E. Bathory. Otherwise you'll find in this guide everything you might need to know to tour war-torn Annalida, learn the ways of the disappearing Worm-Witches, and perhaps learn a thing or two about the noble art of helminthology. I also highly recommend gathering some wormberries while you are there: delicious, nutritious, and gives your potions a nice citrus tang.


Goody Mooncup

And that's it this week for Dear Goody Mooncup, stay delicious my lovlies! Keep an eye out for my collection of children's poetry due out upon the next full moon, Wyrd And Whimsy Witches.

Thursday, May 2, 2019

GLOG Class: Gloop Friend!

Image result for legend of zelda chuchu
Collect them All! 

Parasites were the in thing with the GLOG last month so I'm taking a dive and seeing if I can't throw something together! This is something between LoZ slimes, Flubber, The Blob, Gloop/Gleep from the Herculoids, and more than a month of not doing anything for this blog!

Class: Gloop Friend!
Starting Equipment: 1 gallon mass, fishbowl 
Starting Skill: Jiggle

A: Gloop!, Friend Power!
B: Glop!, Green Yummy! +1 Friend Power!
C: Gloup!, Red Yummy! +
1 Friendliness
D: GLORP! Blue Yummy! +
1 Friendliness

Gloop!: You are Gloop! A friendly colonial organism that looks like a semi-transparent colored slime. Roll 1d8 (ROYGBIV🜚) to determine your color. Right now you take up two inventory spaces and can fit in a container the size of a fishbowl. You have no Attack, Defense, or Strength stat, but you are also unable to be harmed by non-magical weapons as your jelly body simply splatters and reforms. Fire deals damage as normal as do bite attacks for you are delicious. Your HP starts at CON instead of CON-4. Your Move is equal to the number of inventory slots you fill up to 12. You cannot talk, but you can jiggle meaningfully to get across general emotions.

Friend Power!: You are a Friend! And friends help other friends! Your friends can pour out a little bit of you and apply it to themselves to provide a variety of benefits. Any time a Friend Power! is used as an application on an alley, it uses up 1 inventory slot of your mass which removes that percentage of HP from your mass. You regain mass each day to your normal amount if you have Lunch and Rest the previous day. Roll on the Friendliness table once each [template] to determine your Friend Power! abilities

Friend Power!
Sticky! Apply to objects to glue them together! Apply to hands and feet to provide [template] bonus to climbing rolls.
Bouncy! Bounce at 20 Move in a direct line when thrown. Apply to feet to allow for a one off 20’ vertical leap.
Crafty! Can be molded into simple blunt tools, such as a hammer or lever.
Tasty! Red Yummy! Provides +1 additional healing.
Acidy! Can slowly dissolve through non-organic matter rate 1cu.ft./hr. You are also citrus flavored.
Grabby! You have pseudopods for hugging! You now have 1d6 Strength
Jiggly! You are especially jiggy. Apply to a shield to bounce one attack back at an opponent. You have an artificial/cough syrup grape flavor.
Lumpy! You congeal! When something strikes you, make an opposed Strength check to hold onto it.
Gassy! Squishing you makes funny/inappropriate noises. Fire damage causes an inventory slot worth of you to explode for [template]d6 damage in a 30’ radius.
Oily! Can slide under doors and through cracks, apply to friends to give a [template] bonus to maneuvering in narrow spaces. You are also now bacon flavored.
Stretchy! You can be stretched 5’ per inventory space. Chewing gum consistency.
Smelly! Your potent odor may dissuade or attract certain kinds of attention. You are also now cheese flavored.
Cutey! Creatures must make a morale check to attack you. You are now also especially sweet.
Boozey! You are mildly alcoholic, consuming you gives 1 Drink Point.
Cushy! You are so soft! You can muffle sounds and reduce fall damage by 1d6 and do anything a pillow can do. Kinda cakey when eaten.
Morphy! You can shape yourself into anything a 4 year old with modeling clay can make. Still just gloop. Tastes somewhat of salty.
Spicy! You exude heat and cause 1 fire damage per round exposed to bare skin. You are also now jalapeno flavored.
Chilly! You absorb heat and cause 1 cold damage per round exposed to bare skin. You are also now mint flavored.
Brainy! You’ve got some nerve cells in your gloop. Smart enough to talk and hold +1 additional MD per Green Yummy! Now takes half damage from weapons instead of no damage. You are now nebulously meat flavored.
Glowy! You glow in the dark with strength equal to your combined slots. You also now taste fizzy like Pop-Rocks.

Taste the Rainbow

Glop!: You now take up 4 inventory slots, but you can be split up and shared among multiple people. When all together your HP is CONx2, but if split up each lesser Gloop's HP is also split. i.e. 4 Lesser Gloops have 1/4 the HP of the original whole. Each Gloop is independent of the others, but combine memories/knowledge when they form back together. If a Gloop is killed, it takes the Original a week of consistent rations and rest to regenerate the lost HP and mass. 

Green Yummy!: If you are fed a potion or a scroll you can indefinitely store its magical potency until you release it by being drunk or applied to a Friend. You may hold [template] MD worth of scrolls and/or potions but each effect may only be 1 MD in power. 

Gloup!: You now take up 8 inventory slots, but you continue to be able to be split up and shared among multiple people. When all together your HP is CONx3 with the same additional abilities and drawbacks as Glop! 

Blue Chuchu by Lucas Pico

Red Yummy!: If you are fed an extra ration per day, you take up 2 additional inventories slots BUT you also become nutitionaly dense treat! A Friend may eat an Inventory slot worth of your mass as an action to heal instantly as though they had Lunch. This Friend cannot benefit from Lunch today. If a Friend eats a second Inventory slot worth of your mass they also do not benefit from their extended rest due to severe intestinal distress.

GLORP!: You now take up 16 inventory slots, but you continue to be able to be split up and shared among multiple people. When all together your HP is CONx4. If you are all together, you have a Move speed of 12, 15 if on a downwards incline. If in melee range you may make an attack role with your Movement versus the opponent's Dex. On success you envelope a human sized opponent in your warm suffocating embrace. You deal 1d6 damage per round to the enveloped opponent until you either consume them, they are scooped out, or they eat you. If you eat a wizard or an especially magical creature this way, gain HD/2 MD up to your max for Green Yummy! and a random spell from an appropriate spell list.

Blue Yummy!: If you have been fed the enough to have Red Yummy! active and have a Green Yummy! potion/scroll, a friend can consume a inventory slot of your mass you gain an MD and a single casting of a random spell you are storing as well as the effects of Red Yummy! If a Wizard goes over 4 MD via this ability, they must cast a spell on their next turn or immediately provoke a mishap as the spell-ferrets in their brain go ape.

Slime by Nick Rogers


Okay so its been a long while since I've posted. Between a new job, great but demanding, and significantly less mental space/time generally its been difficult for me to get anything to a complete state. I do think though that this was a fun little exercise, trying to put together a class that functions as a sort of communal lateral thinking resource. There are obvious uses for your Gloop Friend and there are less obvious uses. Hopefully this is the start of more material from me again.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Brewscape: Brewing Beasts

The Cellar has been around in one form or another since the dawn of time. When whatever crafted the world from primordial stardust completed their job, they hollowed out a little space to ferment a job well done drink. The Cellar has, therefore, had many millennia to change and grow, to play host to myriad civilizations and creatures, to watch the rise and fall of snakeman empires and trilobite kingdoms. Many hundreds have claimed, made use of, and ultimately were outlived by the Cellar, and many hundreds have left artifacts of their presence behind. For some this takes the form of the plethora of unique drinks still fermenting in their bottles and kegs. But living things have been left behind too. Expect aggressive bar food.

Alemental by some guy on Reddit

1-10HD Alemental aka Ethylmental
Appearance: Similar to a water elemental, but with differences in coloration and consistence depending upon their primary make up. Might be red or clear or golden, may have a foaming top etc.
Wants: To create more Alementals, to get everyone drunk
Armour: As Plate
Move: Half Normal, or Twice Normal through liquids
Morale: 8-12
Damage: HD d4 + 1 Drunk Point

Created as the height of decadence by one of the civilizations that claimed the Cellar. Being too constantly inebriated and too thoroughly debauched to care about such things as tableware, they created a number of beings whose sole purpose was to feed themselves to their creators. Same said civilization is supposedly at fault for the plethora of weird golems in the Cellar. Small Alementals would live to dive right into the open mouths of their thirsty masters. Larger Alementals could refresh themselves from barrels then be suckled upon by plastered partiers.  Today, however, the Alementals have been left to their own devices for centuries. They seek the rare reagents needed to create more of their kind which must be placed in a barrel of alcohol and aged for a year before a new Alemental can be born. Alementals grow by absorbing more of the same alcohol from whence they were born, which is why the biggest Alementals tends to be made of the cheapest alcohol. Their personalities tend to reflect what they are made of, but they are all drunk in one way or another. Beermentals tend to be like frat boys. Winementals tend to be laid back and sleepy, but really fancy vintages can be haughty and snobby. Whiskeymentals tend to be highly aggressive and so on. For every gallon of alcohol an Alemental absorbs, they regenerate an HD of HP. If they can absorb HD gallons in a single day they gain an HD up to 10. A 1HD Alemental can be swallowed in one large quaff by anything halfing sized or larger and gives 1d8 Drunk Points. Larger Alementals can sacrifice an HD to do the same, Save vs. Poison (or Con or something) to avoid being forced to drink. Like a water elemental, a Alemental can flow through any crack (under doors, through key holes, etc.) with ease. 

5HD Methylmental
Appearance: Almost identical to Ethylmentals, it would take an alchemist to tell the difference on sight.  
Wants: To fucking kill you, you meat sack
Armour: As Plate
Move: Half Normal, or Twice Normal through liquids
Morale: 12
Damage: Everything within 30' Save vs. Blindness then Save vs. Death from methanol fumes, same with disadvantage if it physically strikes. You have a bonus to your save equal to the number of Drunk points you currently have.

The Methylmental was a mistake. The Methylmental is dying and it knows it. Every round it loses 1HP from evaporation and its is so goddamn angry about it. It will attempt to leave as wide a path of destruction as it attempts to force its pain upon everything nearby. It is incredibly difficult to damage, however fire deals double damage against it as it catches its fumes ablaze. Where an Ethylmental is a stumbling drunk, the Methylmental is direct, focused, and deadly. Like a water elemental, a Methylmental can flow through any crack (under doors, through key holes, etc.) with ease. 

Someone's take on the Angel of the Odd, can't find who


The Cellar has a plethora of Golems inhabiting it, many of them created by the same folk who called up the Alementals. Here are two of the most common varieties.

1HD  Bottle Golem
Appearance: A glass bottle with small copper wire arms and feet. 
Wants: To Pour The Wine
Armour: None
Move: Twice Normal
Morale: 12
Damage: See Below
Shatter: A single strike shatters the Bottle Golem's bottle, everyone within 30' must Save vs. Dex (Plate and above are immune) or take 1 damage from flying glass shards. This also releases whatever the bottle was containing. 
Pour: A Bottle Golem has a 3-in-6 chance of containing normal wine. However it also has a 1-in-6 chance of containing a powerful acid (2d6 Damage), a 1-in-6 chance of containing a random potion, and a 1-in-6 chance of containing a 1HD Alemental. If you are feeling mischievous, 1% chance of holding a Noble Efreet or Djinn

Bottle Golems existed entirely for the purpose for serving wine. Technically, the Golem part of the Bottle Golem is just the twisted copper wire that serves to hold and transport the wine bottle. When inert, the Bottle Golem simply appears as a wine bottle with fancy copper wire decorations. When active, the Bottle Golem seeks to fill any designated container with whatever liquid they are carrying. If not told otherwise, they will continue to fill containers until their bottle is empty, where upon they will seek a new bottle and continue the process. Bottle Golems can only defend themselves by allowing their bottle to be shattered or by pouring their contents upon their attacker. A Shatter Spell instantly destroys Bottle Golems. Fire spells can cause their bottles to spew superheated alcohol in a 10' line dealing 1d6 damage. Electricity spells hasten the Bottle Golem. Cold spells halve the the Bottle Golem's speed.

3HD Keg Golem
Appearance: A large wooden barrel with two smaller barrels for legs, two large wine bottles for arms, and something like a tin canteen with a funnel for a head. 
Wants: To Pour The Wine, To ferment, to make ceaseless small talk in a dead language
Armour: As Leather
Move:  Half Normal
Morale: 12
Damage: See Below
Knock: The Keg Golem gives a hard tap to the forehead with one of its bottle hands for 1d6 damage
Swallow: Contested STR Save, the Keg golem can open up and swallow 1 human sized target. Anytime the Keg Golem is Damaged, its occupant take half the damage.
Roll: The Keg Golem can pull in its arms and legs and roll at twice normal speed in a straight line. Occupants take 1d6 damage and any in its path take 2d6 and must save or be knocked prone.
Pour: Roll 1d6. 1-3. Random Wine or Whiskey, 4. Random Potion, 5. Skeleton (50% of being 1HD animate Skeleton), 6. 2HD Alemental

The Keg Golem was designed as a sort of advanced version of the Bottle Golem, meant to serve alcohol at large feasts. The Keg Golem was also able to function as a sort of bouncer for rowdier guests and a conversation partner for the completely inebriated. When engaged in conversation it will repeat on loop various bits of pre-programmed gossip, news, and niceties in a mildly drunken baritone voice. It speaks in the dead language of its creators, but if one could translate it, one may learn some insights into the Cellar. The Keg Golem takes double damage from fire and is slowed by Warp Wood spells. 

This, but the size of a warhorse and can burp fire. 

6HD Schnapshund 
Appearance: Something like a fusion of a Saint Bernard, A Tibetan Mastiff, a Bat and a Camel
Wants: Alcohol, meat, pets, to protect certain vintages
Armour: As chain
Move: 1.5 Normal
Morale: 8, 12 when defending something
Damage: 2d6 Bite +Drunk Point (to be expanded upon), Fire Belch 1/day 30' cone 5d6 Fire damage

The Schnapshund was bred by a now lost civilization to protect their most valuable vintages. Upwards of 50 stone in weight and on average about 14 hands high, the Schnapshund makes the average Dire Wolf look like a lap dog. More or less dog-shaped, the Schnapshund has copious facial wrinkles hiding their almost useless eyes. They instead depend upon their smell and hearing with almost elephantine ears and deep resounding barks for echolocation. Their dense cold-resistant fur coat covers a exceptionally thick and muscular frame, with almost all of their fat being stored in a large hump between their shoulder. This fatty issue actually assists the Schnapshund in processing alcohol into usable water and nutrients. While the Schnapshund will jealous guard whatever alcohol they were originally placed to guard, they lap up anything else that they might find. Their system is so permeated with alcohol that their very saliva is 60 Proof. Schnapspups can be trained to be affable, if ungainly companions but wild adult Schnapshunds tend to be distrustful and territorial. Eating a Schnaphund is possible but problematic. No parasite seems capable of thriving in their alcohol rich system, but it also means ingesting their meat without long and thorough cooking is like guzzling pure grain alcohol. It tastes something like the midway point of lamb and beef with a distinct alcoholic aftertaste (dependent on their primary diet),  Schnapshund fat can be processed into an efficient blue burning fuel source as well. 

1: A pocket of uncooked Schnapshund fat, Save vs. Con or go blind from alcohol poisoning
2-5: Good Meat
6: Vintage Sense: Gain for 24 hours the ability to track a specified alcohol by scent alone and par excellence sommelier skills. 

2HD Wolf Yeast
Appearance: A light tan mass of foam in approximately the shape of a wolf.  
Wants: To eat your sugars
Armour: Unarmored
Move: 1.5 Normal
Morale: 8
Damage: 1d6 Bite, with a bite from two separate Wolf Yeasts save vs. Con or get the Yeast Infection

"Y'see, hic, the modern yeast is well like dogs y'see? We've bred the ability to fuck out o' em our yeast--most of our brewery yeast? Yeah, that, urrrp, that shit is cloned. Now wild yeast...truly buck fucken wild yeast...that's a different story."

This is the Ur-Yeast before god and man tamed it into what it is today. This is the Yeast that ate through harvests and people alike, leaving a trail of foam and alcohol. This is the Yeast that nearly ate the world. But in ancient times it was shattered (splattered?) and shoved into the belly of the earth. Its access to sugars now limited and incapable of fusing into a monstrous mass, the Wolf Yeast works as aggressive pack hunters seeking to drink the glucose from live prey. While most times Wolf Yeast seeks to kill and devour their prey quickly, sometimes a pack will leave a victim at death's door instead. When a single victim gets bitten by multiple Wolf Yeasts, they leave behind a little bit of themselves to course through the bloodstream, absorb nutrients, and mate. Without some sort of antifungal or a Cure Disease spell, the Yeast Infection slowly eats up all your glucose and expands. Over 2d6 days the victim experiences dizziness, extreme hunger, headaches, confusion, sweating, shaking, blurred vision, and personality changes. They lose a point from each of their mental stats and Constitution each day. At the halfway point their movement becomes halved due to extreme bloating. On the last day, a fucking wolf made of yeast eats it way out of their body and rushes off to find its pack.

Throwing sugar beets at them are a valid way to keep them busy while you run away. Wolf Yeasts leave a trail of alcohol wherever they go and any space that they occupy slowly becomes a suffocation hazard as they release vast quantities of carbon dioxide.  Schnapshunds and Wolf Yeasts attack one another on sight.

Here's my chance for artful nudity!

2HD Maenads
Appearance: Mostly human-like, predominately female. Dressed in stained robes and grape leaves, bloodshot eyes, grasping claw-like hands.  
Wants: To drink, to party, to give into wanton instincts of sex, hunger, and bloodlust
Armour: As Leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 6/12- When frenzied
Damage: See Below
Claw: 1d6
Blood Frenzy: As soon as first blood is drawn, their claw attack becomes 1d6/1d6
RIP AND TEAR: A Frenzies Maenad will rip and tear at their victims. If they roll max damage, they will either 1. Tear off a random item or 2. tear at the victim's armor. In the first case, the Maenad will tear the item to pieces on their next turn if it is not retrieved. In the second, the Maenad will half the armor's effectiveness until it can be repaired. A Maenad RIP AND TEARing an unarmored victim deals and additional 1d6 damage. 

Maenads are the incarnation of debauched alcoholic frenzy. Nominally they are servants of one or another God of Revelry and Alcohol, but if you ask them, they probably don't remember which. Maenads are pure Id and deeply tribal. If a thing is not part of the Maenads and doesn't show itself to be immediately beneficial to the Maenads, they immediately fall upon it with savage violent glee. Maenads can potentially be calmed with sufficient offerings of quality alcohol (is very large quantities of cheap alcohol) but are like sharks in a feeding frenzy as soon as blood is scented. 5 or more Maenads create an unconscious aura of debauchery and any within hearing distance must Save vs. Charm or be drawn into their Caligulan festivities. 

A Greater Maenad has become one with their wanton instincts and are incapable of any sort of reason beyond their selfish desires and need for revelry. A Greater Maenad is always naked but has Armour as Chain, 5HD and is always considered in a Blood Frenzy. Hearing a Greater Maenad is enough to provoke a Save vs. Charm to join the Maenads' party. Spending more than 48 hours in the presence of a Greater Maenad turns the victim into a Lesser Maenad. 

What? I'm totally serious here guys.


Okay, I know what you are thinking: How are nuts going to be a threat to my players? Well first off, you uncultured swine, peanuts are a legume. Second off, there is nothing like a few thousand years in intensely magical soil to make things go...weird. No one is quite certain who was the first to breed these cultivars or even why, but all can agree that a wizard probably did it while thoroughly intoxicated. While there are dozens of interbred cultivars infesting the Cellar, two are of particular note.

2HD Virgencia
Appearance: Arm thick roots hanging from the ceiling and walls, heavy with nuts the size of a dwarf. 
Wants: To club unwary prey to death and drain their nutrients 
Armour: As Leather
Move: N/A
Morale: 12
Damage: 1d6 Bludgeoning, 1% chance of causing anaphylactic shock (Save or Die)

The Valencia Peanut is known for the number of seeds each pod could hold and the Virginia Peanut is known for its prodigious size. The Virgenia is the result of fusing these two cultivars together and growing them in alchemically enhanced soil. On the surface they seem to be simple yellow flowers, but their roots extend deep into the earth where their seeds hang in oversized bunches from the underdark ceiling. Having long since leeched much of the nutrients from the soil, the Virgencia now obtains nutrients from battering prey to death and pulling it up into their root system. While lone Virgencia can occasionally be found hanging around, they usually come in large batches with much of the headspace of smaller chambers being filled with  their wildly swinging bludgeons. They cannot see or detect movement in anyway, but they can smell the carbon dioxide in your breath and are triggered into their frenzy by your exhalations. If cut from the root and roasted or boiled, a single Virgencia pod contains 2d4 rations. 

0HD (1hp) Runner
Appearance: Small tangled patches of plant matter that suddenly leap to life. 
Wants: To infest unwary prey and drain their nutrients 
Armour: None
Move: Twice Normal
Morale: 8
Damage: 1 Piercing Damage ignores leather armor, 1% chance of causing anaphylactic shock (Save or Die)

The Runner Peanut grows in large patches often near to patches of Virgencia. Like their larger cousins, the Runners cannot see or hear, but they can detect breath. When a breathing creature is within 30 feet of a patch of Runner Peanuts, they spring into 2d6 (exploding) small predators looking something like a demented topiary fusion of a cat and a spider. They run in a straight line towards the greatest source of carbon dioxide and swarm over it, stabbing with small sharpened roots strong enough to pierce leather. Once their prey has been felled 1d6 of the Runners will take root in the corpse to absorb its nutrients while the rest either continue the attack or retreat back to their original patch. A keen eye can notice skeletons under inactive Runner patches. A single Runner can be harvested of a enough peanuts to be roasted for 1 ration, however they have a metallic flavor that not all find appealing. 

Rules for Drunkeness- 

  • Every drink you take gives you a drink point. You lose a drink point every hour.
  • The first X drink points do nothing, where X is half of your Constitution. Each drink beyond t hat threshold is instead a drunk point.
  • Each time you gain a drunk point, you must make a Con check to avoid passing out.
  • Each drunk point gives you -1 to Initiative, Saves vs charm or emotion, and Con checks to avoid passing out when binge drinking. Additionally, each drunk point expands your fumble range by 1 (so if you had 3 drunk points, you would fumble when you rolled a 1-4, instead of just a natural 1.)