OSR: Prophet of Uncomfortable Revelations

-Zoltar says-
Make Your Wish.

Another pull from Furtive Goblin. With predictions like: "You shall know glory in battle, but die from acute shellfish poisoning," and "You shall slay the dragon, but you shall miss your daughter's piano recital," Yishel is the God of Uncomfortable Revelations. Every prophecy comes with a good and a bad, every piece of wisdom followed by moment of cringe worthy truth. Yishel is something like a depressed fortune cookie factory. His "priests" are a motley collection of prophets, fortune tellers, and conmen. Those who speak the whole truth, no matter how uncomfortable, are known as Holies, while those who just tell you one side without the other are Half-Holies. Regardless, I think this is a great start for a good gonzo class.

Step aside, Sibyl.

Class: Prophet of Uncomfortable Revelations

Starting Equipment: Divining Tool, Dagger
Starting Skill: Dowsing

A: Uncomfortable Revelation, The Voice of Prophecy
B: Narrow Fate, Revelation+1
C: Sever Fate, Revelation+1
D: Compel Fate, Revelation+1

Divining Tool: All good Prophets need a manner to see the flow of fate. Think of it like a trepanning tool for getting into the mind of a god.  This tool is needed to use the template abilities, but is not used up. Create one yourself, find some inspiration or roll on the table below:

Roll	Tool
1	Playing Cards
2	Oracle Bones
3	Small Animal Intestines
4	Crystal Ball
5	Holy Book
6	Exotic Drug

Pretty sure Sudoku doesn't work like that...

Uncomfortable Revelation: You call upon the the whimsy of fate to peer into the near future. You can have one Revelation active per template. Once a Revelation has been revealed, you cannot use its Revelation Slot until its [Time] has concluded. Each Revelation grants a Blessing and a Bane, Good Luck balanced with Bad Luck.

Roll	Target	Blassing	Severity	Bane	Severity	Time
1	I	Attack	1d2	Attack	1d2	1d6 Rounds
2	You (s)	Defense	1d4	Defense	1d4
3	It	Movement	1d6	Movement	1d6	1d6 Minutes
4	We	Health	1d8	Health	1d8
5	You (Pl)	Skill	1d10	Skill	1d10	1d6 Hours
6	They	Resources	1d20	Resources	1d20

"I" targets self, "You" Targets a single other creature, "It" targets an object. "We"  targets [Severity] creatures including yourself, "You (pl)" targets [Severity] creatures other than yourself, "They" targets a [Severity]^2 radius within sight.

The Voice of Prophecy: If the player is able to immediately voice a prophecy based upon the Uncomfortable Revelation rolls, they may choose to increase or decrease the [Severity] or [Time] of the Revelation by one step.

Narrow Fate: You may Narrow Fate, allowing you to pick one modifier that will be certain on an Uncomfortable Revelation Roll. For example, you can choose for the target to be "They", or the Blessing to be Attack, or the Bane to be Resources, or the Bane severity to be 1d10 etc. Everything else remains random. Once per day you may do this for free, further uses of Narrow Fate cause 1d6 damage to the Prophet as they receive divine backlash. This can be used to modify the same prophecy.

Sever Fate: You may Sever Fate, allowing you to prematurely end the effects of an Uncomfortable Revelation.  Once per day you may do this for free, further uses of Sever Fate cause 1d4 damage to the Prophet as they receive divine backlash.You may also use this ability to dispel Curses. Dispelling a Minor Curse acts as 2 uses of Sever Fate, dispelling a Major Curse acts as 4 uses of Sever Fate.

Half-Holy: Most Prophets cannot control their prophecies, but you've learned to break your prophetic trance halfway through. You may choose to EITHER Bless or Bane a target. However, you must Save or be compelled to complete your Uncomfortable Revelation as fate forces itself from between your lips. Failing the Save also adds you to the targets of whatever the rolled Bane is.

Don't mess with Moirai, folks.

Blessings:

Attack: Increase Attack stat by [Severity]
Defense: Increase Defense stat by [Severity]
Movement: Increase Movement stat by [Severity]
Health: Heal target(s) 2x[Severity] HP at the end of [Time]
Skill: Target(s) positively modifies skill rolls by [Severity]
Resources: Target(s) obtains [Severity] additional random consumable resources at the end of [Time].

1. Rations 2. Water 3. Light Sources 4. Ranged Ammo 5. Rope ([Severity]*5') 6. Gold Pieces

Banes:

Attack: Decease Attack stat by [Severity]
Defense: Decease Defense stat by [Severity]
Movement: Decease Movement stat by [Severity]
Health: Damage target(s) 2x[Severity] HP  at the end of [Time]
Skill: Target(s) negatively modifies skill rolls by [Severity]
Resources: Target(s) loses [Severity] random consumable resources at the end of [Time].

1. Rations 2. Water 3. Light Sources 4. Ranged Ammo 5. Rope ([Severity]*5') 6. Gold Pieces

Oracle by Gilles Ketting

Thoughts:

Totally not playtested, no idea how this would work out. But I feel like it can cause a lot of chaos and interesting scenarios, which is just what the doctor ordered sometimes. I'm probably going to come back and edit this guy some more, but I'm going to to ahead and put this out there to see what people think.

Huffing Stuff!

Literally Speed.

Whoo! Drug Tables! What is this quack apothecary selling? What is this vagrant snorting? What is in the Marquis' snuff box? What did Bob the Fighter just stupidly ingest from the dungeon floor?

Roll	Drug
1	Unicorn Glue
2	Pixie Poultice
3	Bottled Death Rattle
4	Chimera Seeds
5	Eldertree Sap
6	Catoblepas Cheese
7	Black Hole Spore
8	Mead of Poetry  Kumis of Koans
9	Wizard Teeth
10	Tasty Toads

Unicorn Glue: When properly prepared, Unicorn Glue (yes made out of Unicorn hooves) acts the same as Sovereign Glue. However its primary application is as an intoxicating inhalant. Users experience a euphoric high accompanied by colorful hallucinations and a firm belief that there is beauty in all things. While under its effects, any ability that affects the user due a gaze attack or appearances, such as Medusa’s stone gaze or the horrific appearance of an Elder Thing, instead is treated like the effects of a Nymph’s beauty. Abusers of Unicorn Glue can be identified by their pocked noses from which tiny twisted horns sprout like acne.   

Ready to get really high?

Pixie Poultice: A little bit of fairy dust can make you fly if you hold onto good thoughts. Grind a pixie into paste and smear it on your gums, and you'll be flying regardless. Users levitate three inches off the ground 1d6 (exploding) hours while experiencing and intensive DMT-like high. Everything feels slower and faster, numb and acutely sensitive, you lose all sense of time and can easily stare at a wall for two hours but only perceive about fifteen minutes of it. Users can move by pushing off of stuff, using their STR or DEX for speed instead of Movement and are unaffected by things like pressure plates and low hanging trip wires. They must, however, succeed a wisdom save any time they want to concentrate on something for more than a round, then save again to break that concentration to something else. Abusers have brilliant turquoise gums, regularly cough sparkles, and are prone to literal flights of fancy.

Bottled Death Rattle: The bottled last breath of a sapient creature, this is a intoxicant favored by necromancers, executioners, and barbers who all have reasonably easy access. While there are purists out there that say the Death Rattle is best consumed fresh and directly from the source, any true connoisseur will tell you that it must be fermented. The fermentation process is largely up to individual preferences, some preferring to let it sit in the sun until it has dried into its essential salts and others preferring to keep it in a deep dark place to condense into the purest thimbleful of liquid. The most important part is that the cork have a correctly chosen tuning fork in it to keep the rattle vibrating at the correct tone.  When properly made, a dose of injected Death Rattle will significantly numb the imbiber's physical senses and emotional capacity while increasing their focus significantly. For eight hours they will be immune to pain effects and all emotion effects (positive and negative) and furthermore have a +2 advantage on any check that requires their undivided attention. However during this time they will be unable to assess how hurt they might be (taking +1 damage anytime they are hurt, PCs won't be told where their HP is at) and be unable to use magic to heal. There has been a recent upsurge in desire of this product among university students and any habitation large enough to support an academic institution is likely to have a black market of Death Rattle. Abusers are often covered in scars, prone to varicose veins, have intensely dilated and bloodshot eyes, and severe tendinitis. 

Keep those eyes open!

Chimera Seeds: Take the heart of a true Chimera and boil it for seven days and seven nights. Then into the pot, toss every sort of animal and animal part that you could possibly think of. Continue boiling, using an alembic to capture the steam and condense it into a red fluid that smells like concentrated barnyard. This is then heated one last time until all that is left is pure red granules. These are the Chimera Seeds.  Eating these small crystals gives the imbibder a strong fizzy popping sensation as they crackle in the mouth. If used in exceptionally small amounts, Chimera Seeds are both a mild sedative and regenerative, putting the imbiber to sleep for 1d4 hours and healing them 1d4 HP per hour slept. However whomever is administering this drug must make a Dex save or administer too much. This results in the user sleeping for 1d12 hours, healing 1d6 per hour slept, and rolling on the Biological Mutation table for each hour slept. Lucky abusers develop a constant craving for meat, a proneness to skintags and moles, and a stale barnyard smell. Unlucky abusers end up looking like Tetsuo at the end of Akira.

Don't abuse pop rocks kids.

Eldertree Sap: Find the eldest tree in a virgin wood. Using a blessed silver sickle, make the slightest cut into this tree’s bark on the night of the new moon. Collect the sap using a sack made from the stomach of the first lamb of spring. Now toss it all out and eat some crystalized  Treant jizz. Users experience everything around them in mild slow motion (+2 attack and defense) for 1d6+1 rounds followed by violently sneezing out acorns (1d6 damage, stunned for 1 round.) Abusers of Eldertree Sap can be recognized by their sluggish movements and speech as well as their wooden teeth. Do not mix them up with a stroked out George Washington.

Sup?

Catoblepas Cheese: You are not supposed to eat Catoblepas cheese. You are supposed to rub it on petrified folks to turn them back to flesh. Or I guess you can rub it all over a big rock and get a load of undifferentiated meat. But some idiot decided that it would be a great idea to put it on a cracker and have a bite. Catoblepas cheese smells so rancid that not even magic can mask its odor and looks about as appetizing as raw sewage. When eaten one must Save vs. Poison to avoid immediately vomiting. If successful, Save Vs. Stone to avoid having your organs petrified and dying horribly. Surviving that, the consumer’s body will harden, though remain pliable, giving them all the benefits and drawbacks to wearing Plate Armor. Any effect (other than more Catoblepas Cheese) that removes petrification removes this effect. Abusers have a permanently rancid smell about them and are prone to an extreme form of ichthyosis.

Black Hole Spores: Left in the wake of teleportation and annihilation spells (because really they are the same thing), Black Hole Spores are tiny fragments of highly refined magic mixed with an interdimentional fungus that has consumed our closest sister reality. Because the amount of magical power needed to generate Black Hole Spores, it is a drug usually only found in the hands of the wealthy or insane. Letting one of these fuzzy void-black spores melt on your tongue allows the user to see 1d6 possible futures that will occur within the next minute, however they become locked into one of those 6 possible futures. A roll of 1 will result in something disastrous but feasible occurring (think slightly less fatal Final Destination), causing either 2d6 HP damage, 1d6 stat damage, or something otherwise appropriate. A roll of 6 results in the best possible future, treating one roll as a critical success or max damage. Taking more than one of these a day is invariably fatal. Abusers eventually disintegrate their tongues, their eyes become inky black pits full of stars, and they spout eldritch prophecy in a nigh-indecipherable Spore-Speak.

Not to be confused with a Sphere of Annihilation

Mead of Poetry  Kumis of Koans: The Mead of Poetry was created when all the gods spit into a pot, turned it into a wiseman named Kvasir who then got killed and bled out by a pair of dwarves who mixed his blood with honey and made magic mead. The Kumis of Koans was made when the King of Wisdom and the King of Nonsense accidently blessed the same guy, who was dumb enough to try to philosophize at the Khan-i-Khanan. He was fed to the Khan’s carnivorous mares and their fermented milk would make any who drank it speak cryptic nonsense. Most people accept today that it is what happens when you drink Kumis from a mare that’s eaten too many psychedelic mushrooms. Consumers will be filled with a sense of overwhelming wisdom and oneness with the universe for 2d6 (exploding on 6) rounds. They are also unable to speak in anything but convoluted cryptic stories. Any who hear them must save vs. spell or be Confused for 1 round. Abusers often go bald, become obsessed with crystals and in 1% of cases, actually ascend to another spiritual realm (becoming NPCs).

Wizard Teeth: Yes, literal Wizard Teeth. You see, Wizards spend their whole lives thinking strange thoughts so that they may invite spell-ferrets into their skulls. Having this constant influx of arcane energies is liable to do some strange things to a person, but teeth are surprisingly good at rooting this power so Wizards only mutate horrifically some of the time. This is why many demiliches have to replace their teeth with rare gems. The teeth of a Wizard, living or dead, can be popped like pills to instantly gain 1 Magic Die and can cast 1 random spell from a random Wizard school (Spells 1-6). This, however, instantly invokes a Mishap. Every three taken within a day invokes an increasingly terrible Doom. Abusers’ own teeth rot out, their skull swells to accommodate the random magic, and are prone to Supernatural Mutations (check one per week).

Tasty Toads: A designer drug that started simply enough. Some toads make you high if you lick them, its them weird poison sacks behind their eyes. Someone thought, "Huh, I wonder if I breed these two together, I can get even higher." It was probably a wizard. Thus an arms race of frog breeding began, with folks licking every toad you can imagine and documenting the specific feelings they gained from them. By artificial selection a number of toads were bred that have bloated poison glands similarly to how farm bred chickens have horrifically bloated breasts. They usually come in a box of eight like specialty chocolates, each a color of the rainbow (plus octarine). As the name implies, you eat the toad, which bursts like a cream filled bonbon. The first six toads will produce a pleasant and mild high as well as enhancing one of the core stats (STR, DEX, etc.) by two for an hour. Consuming two toads gives you half the bonus on two stats and minus 1 on one of the random remaining stats. Consuming three of more at once, you must save vs. Death or be instantly brought to 0 HP from toxic shock. Making the save still drops you to 1 HP and you violently vomit everything up. The 7th toad makes your skin so sensitive that you can feel all movement within 60 feet but any time you take damage, you must save or be stunned one round from the extreme sensation and you cannot wear armor heavier than leather. The 8th toad gives you Wizard Vision as though you cast it with 2 MD, and all drawbacks associated. One cannot eat the 7th and 8th toad in combination with the previous six without experiencing potential toxic shock. Eating the 7th and 8th together will cause the imbiber to instantaneously explode dealing 6d6 raw magic damage to everything in a 60' radius. Don't try this on anything innately magical like Dragons.  Abusers tend to suffer from inflated lips, multicolored spit, warts, a craving for insects, and occasional lunatic delusions of grandeur.

Delicious

I suggest checking out James Young's Ten Foot Polemic post Dungeons and Druggies for addiction and withdraw effects. If you want me to price these for you, you are not asking the right questions.

Killing Princes for Profit

More Royal mistakes to be made!

So as you know the universe and everything in it is defined by its King. Now I'll note real quick, if it wasn't obvious, King in this case is a gender neutral title. A King exists as the ur-example and ruler of...well anything that an example can be made of. There is, for example, a King of Masculinity and a King of Femininity, and a King of ever possible gender identification that you or anyone else could imagine. Okay. So. Princes.

Look at these silly little guys!

For most every King, there is a whole host of Princes. These little guys represent all of the connections and variables within the King's sphere and connecting over to other King's spheres. Many Kings are also Princes, for example all individual Animal Kings are Princes of THE Animal King, who in turn is a Prince under the Eukaryote King. It gets convoluted fast. ANYWAYS, as many Kings as there are, there are many more non-king Princes. When a King dies, the Princes battle for supremacy and the winner is crowned King. This is how evolution works and why the polarity of the planet changes every few tens of thousand years.

As I've pointed out before, it is possible to kill a King yourself and take their place. The trouble with this is all the responsibility that comes with it. Mismanagement of Kingdoms is why some species specialize themselves into extinction or why we've got Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water but no Slood. So really, it is a lot safer and a lot more profitable to kill a Prince than a King.

Princes:

One of these is a Prince, the other impostors. Choose wisely.

HD 0 (HP 1) Prince of Cucumber Sandwiches 

Appearance: A cucumber sandwich about the size of your hand, wearing a small crown
Wants: All cucumber sandwiches to have expertly thin cucumbers and no hint of crust to the bread
Armour: None
Move: 1/2 Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: See below

Cucumber Curse- Save vs. Spell or be unable to gain nourishment from any food source save Cucumber Sandwiches until the curse is lifted.

Food Poisoning- When eaten, Save vs. Poison or take 1d6 temporary CON damage and be fatigued until a full rest.

One of the myriad children of the King of Teatime Etiquette (KTE), PoCS is probably among the puniest of the lot, especially when compared to the likes of Prince Earl Grey. KTE regularly bestows the crown of the Prince anew since PoCS is highly prone to being eaten by noblewomen, bored butlers, scavenging hobos, and your occasional misplaced adventurer. Find this Prince and eat them before it lays its curse upon you and, for the length of a single soiree you will have impeccable manners, be a perfectly witty conversationalist, and be able to cast Glamour of Servitude with two MD once.

Encounter: Hiding among the hors d'oeuvres at the Count's gala, the chef didn't cut off all the crusts and the Prince is out for blood.

Encounter: The Prince is seeking to expand his domain into ALL tea sandwiches and seeks right now to defeat its greatest rival, Prince Watercress. It is willing to put in a good word to any minor gentry for assistance.

STOP IT!

HD 2 Prince of Puns
 Appearance: A small constantly twitching imbecile with a tube-shapes head and a question mark crown.
Wants: All humor to be pun based.
Armour: Leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 6
Damage: See below

PUN-ishment: Any time a player says or does something that the GM is able to make a pun out of, the Prince of Puns speaks a pun so terrible that all within hearing range must Save or take 1d6 damage as their ears bleed profusely. Deaf targets are immune, putting hands over your ears gives a +/-4 to the save (as system appropriate).This ability is automatic and targets everyone in hearing range, the Prince of Puns cannot help it.

The Prince of Puns, one of the King of Joke's least favored children, is the bane of all humor everywhere. You'd like to think that there are good puns out there somewhere. This is a falsehood that the Prince of Puns actively encourages. All puns are terrible. Some puns are just cringe worthy. Some are worthy of defenestration. Do not give into the Prince of Puns.

Defeating Puns and taking the crown gives the wearer the PUN-ishment ability, however the wearer is included in the ability's effect.

Encounter: Comedy night at the Bards' College. Someone is telling the worst puns imaginable. Stop the Prince of Puns from this awful influence before the audience dies of internal hemorrhaging.

Encounter: The Prince of Puns is in love with the Prince of Slapstick. Help Puns write a masterful love letter without there being any room for puns.

Find me a better pineapple picture, I dare you.

HD 6 Prince of Pineapples
Appearance: The best pineapple ever. What more do you want?
Wants: To be eaten, to eat you. To be the best tropical fruit ever.
Armour: As Chain
Move: Normal
Morale: 8
Damage: See Below:

Spines: Any melee attack that misses the Prince of Pineapples is automatically countered with the Prince's spines, dealing 1d8 damage.

Bromelain: Any attack that deals slashing or piercing the Prince of Pineapples releases its acidic juice, dealing 1d4 acid damage to all those in a 10' cone.

Eat the Eater: If dealt bite damage or if eaten, target must Save vs. Con or be dealt damage as Bromelain for 1d4 rounds or until the acid is somehow neutralized. Target also has a very sore mouth.

One of the Tropical Fruit Princes, Pineapples has been trying to get a foothold among the more broad fruit categories. Prince of Mangoes and Prince of Coconuts have been Pineapple's primary rivals in this, but thus far Pineapple leads the pack. Pineapple believes itself to be among the coolest of all the Princes and spends most of its time on the beaches with the Prince of Coconuts, who is said to be the secret parent of the Prince of Pina Coladas.

Defeating Pineapple and takings its power grants its Spines. Good luck hugging anyone ever again.

Encounter: The Prince of Pineapples has decided that it will wage a war on the Prince of Apples. Since neither is made for each other's climate, they wage a proxy war through the PCs.

Encounter: The Chieftain wishes to throw a luau for his daughter's wedding and will handsomely reward any who bring him the perfect ingredient to go with the roasted pig centerpiece. The Prince of Pineapples would fetch a high price.

HD 8 Prince of Discarded Identities
Appearance: Can appear as any identity that has been permanently discarded by anyone. True appears as a black silhouette.
Wants: To watch over every sloughed off identity and the associated paraphernalia. Discarded ID badges, maiden names,  discarded pseudonyms, etc.
Armour: As identity or as Plate
Move: As identity or as Normal
Morale: 10
Damage: See Below

Assume Identity: The Prince of Discarded Identities can turn into any creature of 5 HD or less, taking 1d6 rounds to transform as it sorts through identities. It takes all derivative stats, weaknesses and abilities of the creature, except HD.

Remove Identity: In its true form, the Prince of Discarded Identities strikes for 1d6 damage. However targets must Save vs (relevant Stat) or have the targeted stat moved towards the baseline average by 1d6. Once all stats are averaged, one more successful strike will cause the target to be absolutely generic and become an NPC.

This Prince ultimately wants to be simply left alone. It protects a vast trove of forgotten, unloved, and otherwise cast off identities. It both loves and hates those who regularly go through identities (such as scoundrels and Dopplegangers) as they continuously produce new identities for the Prince but also not giving the identities the love the Prince wishes for them. This Prince cannot be permanently defeated as killing it merely removes one of its nigh endless forms.

Defeating this Prince allows the victor to assume the identity of whatever the Prince was when it was defeated. Defeating the Prince in its True Form allows the victor to remove themselves permanently from the memory of one person.

Encounter: A serial killer turns out to be an ancient Doppleganger who has been through hundreds of thousands of identities. This Prince might be able to help link the identities together and lead towards the culprit.

Encounter: A PC is given a terrible curse that even the most profound magics seem to be unable to remove. The only way to survive it is to completely change who they are by defeating the Prince of Discarded Identities.

Look at this smug bastard.

10 HD Prince of Princes
Appearance: About 10 cm tall, green, has a little antennae looking crown. So smug you instantly want to slap its face.
Wants: To become the King of Kings.
Armour: As Plate+Shield
Move: 2x Normal
Morale: 12
Damage: See Below:

Royal Heft: While tiny, the Prince of Princes is invested in significant cosmic power and has the square cube law on its side. The Prince has no upper lifting limit, only limited by what the ground below can handle. Anything lifted can then be thrown at a 60' range increment and damage is done on a scale based on weight. Goblin-sized 1d6, Human sized 2d6, Ogre sized 3d6, Shed sized 4d6 and so on.

Royal Decree: Every 1d6 rounds of combat, the Prince may make a Royal Decree affecting all those in a 30' cone. Those who hear the Decree must save or be afflicted with a random mutation for 1d6 rounds. If caught in a second Decree while mutated, the target must save again or the mutation is permanent.

Royal Backhand: The Prince may be small, but woe to he who tempts its wrath. Despite coming up to most people's ankles, the Prince can do 2d6 unarmed damage and knock prone any who fail a Dex save.

Royal Summons: Once per day, the Prince may randomly summon any other single prince in existence. The GM may a specific set in mind or may use a generator like this to create one on the spot. The Prince may dismiss other Princes at a whim.

Like being the number one minion, the beauty contest runner up, the eternal second place, the Prince of Princes is at once the greatest of the Princes and yet has no King to aspire to. You see, the One King, the King of Kings, shattered long ago under the weight of its own Crown, thus giving rise to the Kings of today. The Prince of Princes would be the One King's inheritor, but the One King's power lies spread among all who rule in his place. Thus, the Prince merely rules over the Princes, dictating their form and formation while never getting invited to any of the King-Parties. The Prince will show them all! One day...

Defeating the Prince of Princes and taking its crown will give the wearer the Prince's incredible lifting strength, but also fill them with the Prince's desire. Every day not spent scheming to kill and defeat a King, make a Wisdom saving throw (or Save Vs. Death or something). Failing the save results in the Prince burrowing out of your skull (3d6 damage, does equal to Int) to reclaim its crown.

Encounter: The Prince is throwing a party for all of its cousin princes. The party, having defeated a prince or two, accidentally get invited. Awkwardness is sure to ensue.

Encounter: The Prince of Marquises has been feeling bold lately, teach them a lesson for us. Or, in reverse, assassinate the Prince of Princes and bring the Prince of Marquises the tiny crown.

Thanks

Thanks to my sister for the Prince of Puns. Thanks to Furtive Goblin for Cucumber Sandwiches. Thanks to David Shugars for Pineapples and Discarded Identities.

OSR: Snake Wizard

Not this

Or this

Or this

There we go

When I was first able to get my wife to play RPGs, she played a conjurer wizard who was obsessed with snakes. He was a reasonably nice wizard, he just didn't understand it was weird to keep the desiccated remains of your master in your basement, collect all of your shed skin, and invite snakes to cuddle in all of the camp sleeping bags. He was also entirely certain that his goal in life was to rend open the Plane of Snakes and drown all of biped civilization in a sea of serpents. It was for the good of us all. This is for you Choraster the Wise.

If you are going by Skerples' estates, these guys are Outlaw wizards, because no one wants to be around a wizard who smells like snake musk and keeps an actual snake in their trousers.

Edit: Taking some feedback from Skerples of Coins and Scrolls. the original 2nd Cantrip could break several economies (especially the food one as he pointed out) so I'm making a change here.

School: Snake Wizard

Perk: You are immune to snake venom. If you can smell something, you can taste it too.

Drawback: You are cold blooded and must either spend an hour sunning each day or otherwise be kept warm or you will be unable to restore HP via lunch.

Cantrip:

1. When prone, you can slither and squirm at full speed provided you don't use your hands.

2. You can cause a harmless non-venomous 1 HD (1hp) garter snake to crawl out of any logical location ( from a hole, around a doorway, in an unattended boot etc.) It is not under your control and, if questioned, is admittedly a little confused about its whereabouts.  You begin with a snake familiar who is ultimately loyal to The Serpent. In any instance where the familiar would be killed, you may call upon another but it will be the same snake and may invoke a Curse or Mutation for your dereliction of duty.

3. You can swallow anything that is less than the circumference of your neck without difficulty.

Hm, maybe...

Snake Wizard spell list

You automatically get the "Speak with Snakes" spell at level 1. Roll for your other spell normally.


1. Speak with Snakes
R: 0 T: self D: [dice] minutes
You can talk to snakes and they can talk back. Small snakes know about grass, dirt, and rodents. Larger snakes know about people and may even be able to tell them apart. Really large snakes, the dangerous ones, know all sorts of things. Snakes will generally treat people who can speak to them with mild curiosity and bemusement.

2. Magic Misssssssile

R: 200' T: creature D: 0

Target takes [sum] + [dice] damage, no Save. As a Snake Wizard your spell is a magic snake that you pull out of your sleeve and throw like a goddamn javelin.

3. Snake Eyes

R: 30' T: creature D: [dice] rounds

For the duration of the spell, the target is branded with a stylized snake eye and is unable to roll above a 1 on d6's. This can be used, for example, to make sure MD are not exhausted at the expense of power or it can cause weapons to deal minimal damage.

4. Gift of Fangs* Shamelessly stolen from Skerples
R: touch T: [dice] weapons D: 1 hour
Weapons you touch become venomous, dealing an additional 1d4 damage on a hit.

5. Shed Skin

R: 0 T: Self D: 0

You shed your skin in 1d6-[dice] rounds and restore [sum]/2 HP. This process, however, leaves you naked and disarmed. Your shed skin is whole, similar to that of a snake, and can be kept or preserved.

6. Boa Constrict
R: 30' T: 1 Creature D: [dice]*2 rounds or [sum] rounds
One or both of your arms transform into massive boa constrictors that extend towards the target creature. They must save or be paralyzed for the duration of the spell. If you use both arms, the spell lasts for [sum] rounds but you cannot use your arms for anything else (including casting.)

7. Snake Ball
R: 60' T: [sum] HD of Creatures D: [dice]*2 rounds
You summon forth a massive illusionary snake mating orgy ball which immediately starts rolling towards your targets. Targets must Save versus Fear or immediately retreat. The ball's speed is your Movement and will follow the targets for the duration of the spell.

8. Snakes to Stairs
R: Touch T: Point D: [sum] minutes

You call upon a [dice]*50' long snake to anchor itself between yourself and a point within its reach. It will bend its body into something akin to stairs, allowing it to support [sum] human sized creatures. It will not move from this point and will not take part in combat. It has [sum] HP and all attacks automatically hit.

9. Sticks to Snakes
R:0 T: Sticks or Snakes D: [dice]*2 rounds
You transform [sum]/2 sticks or stick-like wooden objects into 1 HD snakes (damage 1d6, armor as leather) with a [sum] chance of each being venomous (Save vs Constitution or +1d6 poison). You can also reverse this spell and turn [sum]/2 HD worth of snakes into sticks. A snake of 3 HD or more turns into a 1d8 damage Staff. A snake of 6HD becomes a 1d8 damage Staff that deals additional poison damage as above. Ever 3 HD above this adds +1 to Attack.

10. Snake Charming
R: 50' T: [sum]/3 HD creature D: [dice] hours
The target is put into a blissful semi-conscious daze, treating nothing around them as a threat and acting much like a sleep walker. Doing any sort of damage will break the charm, but, for example, holding a blade to their throat will not.

Emblem Spells

11. Avatar of the Serpent
R:60' T: Point D: Varies
At a point you designate, you call upon an avatar of The Serpent (the Ur-snake, the Snake Elemental, the Hissing God, whatever). The Avatar is not under your control, but is also not immediately hostile to you. The size, HD, and damage of the snake depends on the [sum] rolled:

1-7: person-sized, 2 HD, 2d6 damage
8-12: ogre-sized, 4 HD, 3d6 damage
>12: Jafar at the end of Aladdin-sized,  6 HD, 4d6 damage
24: like-holy-fuck-Jörmungandr-sized, 10HD, 6d6 damage, what-have-you-done?!

The Avatar will either strike once or constrict one target for [sum] duration before vanishing. Investing 4 or more [dice] into the spell makes it permanent. Good job bringing back the Snakeman Empire buddy.

12. Plane of Snakes

R: 100' T: area D: [dice] rounds

At a point you designate, you rip a hole between this world and the Elemental Plane of Snakes. For [dice] rounds, [sum] 1 HD snakes (1d6 bite, Save vs Constitution or +1d6 poison, armor as leather) pour from the rift attacking everything in sight. Everyone but you and other snakes must Save vs. Panic. You do not have control over these snakes and, when questioned, speak only in cryptic riddles as the only understand reality through the lens of all things being Snake. Investing 4 or more die results in the rift to the Plane of Snakes being open for [dice] days instead.

Technically, a Snake Witch. 

Mishaps:
1. MD only return to your pool on a 1-2 for 24 hours
2. A snake craws from your sleeves and bites you for 1d6 damage
3. Turn into a giant snake for 1d6 rounds and immediately draw the focus of all hostile combatants.
4. Suddenly shed all of your face skin (including your eyes), blind for 1d6 rounds as it flakes away
5. Arms turn into lethargic snakes for 1d6 rounds, disarmed and unable to retrieve items.
6. Sneeze out snakes for 1d6 rounds, unable to take other actions.

Dooms:
1. You can no longer slither or swallow like a snake, this is a sad day indeed.
2. You can no longer speak to snakes and when they are summoned, they are immediately hostile to you.
3. The Serpent, incarnation of Magic and Snakes, blesses you with Snake. And by that I mean the picture below is now you.

Can't get any better than this.

You can avoid this fate by opening a permanent gate to the Plane of Snakes or by unhinging your jaw and swallowing the phylactery of a powerful Snakeman Lich-King. 

A Witch Stole My Name!

Witches, amirite?

So you are just doing your adventuring thing, having some fun in a bog or a dungeon or some random cave, and suddenly this ugly mug pops up and steals your name. Shit! You were thinking, oh yeah no way that could happen. After all, someone needs to hear you say it. Or know your Four Causes, right? WRONG. Witches don't need none of your fancy philosophies or your Crisis Energy or your nonsense about Kings. They sit outside of the rules because they are, fundamentally, servants of chaos. Now this doesn't mean they are all evil, nay. They fill an important magical niche in the world, they are the metaphysical exception that proves the law. For how could you ever have the law in the first place without the exception?

In any case, while we were waxing philosophic there, the witch has not only stolen your name but has left you with a new one. How kind. Only, it is something like Zoosmell Stinkpits or Jerkface McGee or (ohgodno) Todd. What're you going to do?! Well there is a variety of options. You could always find her and try to force your name out of them, but really when she already has your name the direct approach is probably foolish. You could go to a Wizard and see if they could somehow restore your name, but good luck there, they'll probably charge you a literal arm and a leg. The best way is to find another Witch. That's right, you heard me, another Witch.

The face of your savior.

You see, Witches do not have names. When they make the pacts with whatever force gives them their power, they sell their name away. This is all well and good until you need to introduce yourself or sign for a package or vote. So, they steal names for their own use and give you their old ones. However, it has, over time, become something of a competition. Each witch wants to have the best name. Now it might be up to individual tastes for some lone witches, but every year at the Witchmoot, bragging rights and respect always go to the witch with the undoubtedly best name. This is why Goldan Gorandi Dallie Kantar Frentsasu Sensinda III has held the title of Archwitch for the past fifteen years. And why the queen of a distant foreign country is named Dumpy Dan.

It might take a few tries before you meet with a witch that gives you a name that you like, especially if you are a Todd. It is all about what is in vogue and sometimes trading down in the hopes of eventually trading up. On the positive side though, you might get a little something from your new name. Escape from a curse bound to your name, cast out a disease that could have sworn it was infesting a Lillian and not a Jim, or even find that your new name has a bit of magic in it!

Sen is a better name than Carrottop, right?

Whenever you meet a witch and she's on the lookout for a new name, roll 4 times on this chart and see what you end up with. Or just look up what celebrities are naming their kids nowadays, eugh....

Roll	First Name	Middle Name	Last Name	Magic?
1	Little	Sweetmeat	Cutlets	Roll on the Supernatural mutation chart!
2	Yunique	Indie	Vidual	Hope you like nose warts! -d4 Charisma
3	Thunder	Thighs	Hamfist	Were your teeth always this crooked? Gain 1d6 bite attack, 50% chance to miscast spells
4	Rage	Boggart	Peyote	This name is cursed! Roll on GM's favorite curse chart!
5	Todd	Plain	No-one	Healed of all curses and diseases
6	Blanket	Apple	Seven	Wanna talk to birds? Well you can now, too bad they mostly just want sum fuk.
7	Mary	Sue	Moonbeam	You weigh as much as a goose! You cannot sink in water and act as though under constant Feather Fall.
8	Flint	Brick	Squat-thrust	You can regenerate 1d6 damage twice a week. You can also do d4 damage to yourself for 1 ration.
9	Mister	Double	Universe	Guess what? Your nipples now glow with the strength of a bullseye lantern. You're welcome.
10	Princess	Glorious	Almighty	Gain 1 magic die and roll for a spell on a list of your choosing. You are now a spellcaster. Woopty-doo.