ROYAL COMBAT: Moar Princes!

Oh fuck, they're everywhere!

ITS TIME FOR MORE PRINCES! Thanks Blame James from Ten Foot Polemic for most of these Prince's names

Ready for his 82nd chip run today.

HD 1 Prince of Chips

Appearance: A knee height fat yellow man with tiny legs, smells of grease and potatoes. 
Wants: To ensure quality of all foods that are potato based and fried and referred to as Chips.
Armour: None
Move: 1/2 Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: See below

Grease Trail: PoC leaves a trail of grease in its wake. Anyone who moves more than half speed within 15' of PoC must save or slip and fall prone. PoC can also flop on the ground and become prone, but slide like a greasy penguin at 2x Normal movement.

Make Delicious: PoC can produce a variety of flavors that increase the deliciousness of whomever it touches. Whenever PoC makes an unarmed melee attack (1d4 damage) the target is covered in a dusting of a flavoring agent of PoC's choosing. This causes hungry creatures to focus on the flavored target over other targets. PCs who are starving must Save to avoid attempting to eat the target. 

The Prince of Chips lives a dual life. On one hand, the Prince rules over all potatoes that have been julienned and fried in grease. On the other hand, the Prince rules of all potatoes that have been sliced exceptionally thin and fried in grease. Some people have taken to calling the Prince, The Prince of Fries AND Chips, but a Prince can't be a Prince over two things. And the Prince isn't the Prince over all Fried Potatoes, trying to claim that got it into a fight with the Prince of Tater Tots.  Poor Prince of Chips. Killing PoC and taking its crown will give a PC the Make Delicious ability for 1d6 Weeks, but also make them obese and half their Movement for the same length of time.

Encounter: PoC has heard of a land that puts the most outlandish toppings on chips, but is too lazy to go investigate themselves. Bring PoC back some exotic chips and be rewarded with their weight in either lard or potatoes, their choice.

Encounter: PoC has been experimenting with a new flavor, however the experiment has gone out of control. Defeat and eat the Chip Golems before they wreak havoc on the countryside. Save Vs. Con to keep them down. 

Compensating for something I'm sure.

HD 3 Prince of Itches

Appearance: A purple humanoid whose body can fit in your hand, but whose head is about a meter tall. Constantly surrounded by a small cloud of dust. 
Wants: To ensure that things that need to be itchy are itchy, even if the reason for the itch isn't immediately obvious.
Armour: None
Move: Normal
Morale: 6

Damage: See below

Itchy Defense: PoI is entirely without armor, however striking it will cause an cloud of allergens to spray at the attacker. Any attacker in melee range must Save (vs. Con or Poison or whatever) or become incredibly itchy. Itchy targets inverse their Defense as it would be on a d20, so someone with 20 Def will have 1 Def and so on. This only functions on targets with 10 Def and up, although 10 Def (and therefore unarmored) targets are easily able to reach the itch and therefore still have 10 Def. 

Itchy Offense: By striking targets with its head, PoI causes terrible itchy blisters to form. This deals 1d6 damage and the target must Save (vs. Con or Poison or whatever). On failure, the target must drop whatever is held in one hand and scratch for a number of rounds equal to the damage dealt. A second attack during this time will stack and on another failed save the target must scratch with both hands.

The Prince of Itches is one of the least popular Princes. I mean, PoI tries, really. But no on ever invites PoI to parties or to meetings or even to funerals. Even the Prince of Cucumber Sandwiches gets invited to things. But despite this unpopularity, Itchy takes pride in their work. Creating the light itch causes by fabric moving across your back or the intense frustrating itch of chicken pox or that moving itch that seemingly has no cause and no way to actually scratch. PoI does have one friend, the Prince of Scratching, who is the only Prince who know just where on PoI's massive head to scratch. Defeating PoI and taking its crown gives you its Itchy Defense ability for 1d6 weeks, but also makes you so itchy that one hand is counted as disabled (due to constantly need to scratch) for the same period.

Encounter: A village is plagued by an awful itching disease and no one seems to know how or why it begun. Rough up PoI to find out what happened and how to fix it.

Encounter: A Wizard has put PoI into a magical sleep and is using the poor Prince as a Wand of Infinite Itchiness to harass the countryside. Do what you must.

Dare you enter the magic box?!

HD 5 Prince of Whispers

Appearance: A square humanoid about the size of a large cat, its head is actually a lid and its face is on the inside of the lid. Much bigger on the inside than the outside.
Wants: To protect secrets spoken aloud. 
Armour: As Chain
Move: Normal
Morale: 8
Damage: See below

Limited Silence: Anything within 30' of PoW is unable to speak above a very light whisper. Verbal communication is impossible without being directly up against someone's ear. Ability that work via sound can only work in melee range. This ability is constant and cannot be saved against. 

Box of Secrets: Every 1d6 rounds, PoW can try to suck one target within 30' into its box-body. The target must make a Dex or Strength save with a 1 point bonus for every point of encumbrance they currently have (harder to suck in heavier targets). On a failed save, the target is consumed by PoW and falls into a misty void filled with whispering voices. The target is stuck until PoW lets them free, PoW is killed, or the target whispers aloud one sufficiently damning personal secret.

Whispered Sins: PoW knows all things whispered, and some things whispered are extremely dangerous. PoW can whisper, it can whisper a secret so horrific that those who hear it can feel their brains violently rejecting it. Anyone within PoW's zone of Limited Silence must save (Vs. Wisdom or Wand or something) or take 2d6 damage as their ears bleed and their mind reels. PoW can only whisper a damaging secret every 1d6 rounds. 

The Prince of Whispers may look absurd, even compared to other Princes, but Whispers is one of the more serious of the royal cousins. Everything angry muttering said under one's breath, every sweet nothing whispered into an ear, every quiet and solemn oath given, these are the protected domain of PoW, who keeps them safely stored within its royal body. A lesser being would undoubtedly use this secret knowledge for self-gain, but PoW is only interested in hoarding and protecting its whispers. You can potentially trade PoW for its whispers, but you must first whisper to it something of equal value, something that has been thought, said, or yelled, but never whispered. Defeating PoW and taking its crown gives you both the Limited Silence and Whispered Sins abilities, but you and all those within range are affected by the Whispered Sins ability every time you speak. You can only give up this power by spending a full day whispering into a box, without pausing for sleep or food, transforming the box into the Prince of Whispers.

Encounter: The obvious one is that you seek out the Prince of Whispers to gain some sort of secret knowledge to defeat your enemies. The not so obvious one is that you seek out the Prince of Whispers to find out what Steve from the office is constantly muttering to himself...weirdo. 

Encounter: The whole party has been swallowed by the PoW! Navigate a labyrinth of mists, memories, and made-up monsters and find a way to escape!

Look at that little guy go!

HD 7 Prince of Disco

Appearance: A palm sized matte-black humanoid covered in shimmering colorful stars, constantly breaking out into dance. A constant catchy beat seems to always be playing nearby. 
Wants: To ensure that disco never dies.
Armour: Chain+Shield, from being very agile
Move: 2x Normal
Morale: 8, 12 when defending Disco
Damage: See below

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting: PoD is a powerful combatant on its own and can strike for 1d6 or 1d8 damage (its choice) unarmed.

Boogie Baby!: All creatures capable of movement and hearing within 60' of PoD must save (vs. Wisdom or Magic or something) or break out into dance. While dancing, the target is unable to move from their space and have their Attack and Defense modified as though they were Blinded. Targets may make a save each round to resist the Boogie. This ability is constant, so folks wanting to talk with PoD without dancing probably need to yell from a distance.

DISCO NEVER DIES: If truly threatened, PoD will raise a horde of dancing zombies to defend itself once per encounter. Roll 2d6, PoD raises that number of 1 HD Zombies to its aid OR maybe invest all the HD into a single Dance Partner, which is any type of stronger undead with equal HD. Assume they all dance Thriller amazingly. 

The Prince of Disco, one of the many children of the King of Dance, swears up and down that disco never died. This can be jarring for fantasy medieval folks who never knew Disco was a thing in the first place. PoD can often be found in clubs, at skating rinks, and at the epicenter of worrisome dancing plagues in France. Disco claims to be the next in line to claim the King of Dance's crown one day, but the Prince of Breakdancing and the Prince of Square Dancing both dispute this. Defeating PoD gives you the Boogie Baby! ability and the DISCO NEVER DIES ability, however you cannot suppress the former ability and there is a 1-in-6 chance any undead raised will be hostile to you. To rid yourself of this crown, you must be beaten in a dance contest fair and square. If you do anything less than your best dance, save vs. Death or have PoD burst from your chest take over your pitiful dancing attempt.

Encounter: The Dancing Plague has come to town and the villagers elders are starting to get annoyed with all these young people and their antics. Convince PoD to leave town to please the elderly. Or teach those old coots how to live a little.

Encounter: A dancing mummy breaks into the inn that the PC's are at, moaning about their dance partner being kidnapped. The mummy says they are going to dance with people until they find a good replacement. Save PoD from its kidnappers before Disco Mummy infects everyone with Mummy Rot. 

PoLT using the Least effective weight loss tool.

HD 9 Prince of Least Things

Appearance: A fuzzy black humanoid about the size of your average dust bunny. 
Wants: To watch over everything that is considered "least" in some form or another.
Armour: None
Move: Special
Morale: 12
Damage: See below

Least Possible Effort: PoLT does not use weapons and only attacks unarmed, doing 1 point of damage per strike.

Path of Least Resistance: Defense gained via armor simply does not function against attacks made by PoLT.

Least Common Denominator: Once per encounter, PoLT can cause all creatures within 120' to have their Max HP reduced to that of the HP of the creature with the least Max HP. Save (vs. Save or Death or something) to resist.

The Least I Could Do: When feeling generous, PoLT can grant a beneficial effect identical to any spell of the DM's choosing, but only as cast with 1 MD because PoLT really does just put in the least effort possible.

Least Distance Between: PoLT does not move on its own, instead PoLT can open a wormhole and teleport between any point. PoLT is limited to 120' when in combat unless it takes 2 rounds to concentrate, otherwise PoLT has no teleportation limits. 

The Prince of Least Things domain crawls along the bottom of all the other ones, enveloping of each the least powerful, the least helpful, the least anything. The things that are so lacking in their fulfillment of their domain, that they are hardly in it in the first place, find their abode with the PoLT. Because of this, PoLT is surprisingly and paradoxically powerful, being one of the greatest of the Princes. The Prince of Greatest Things often acts like a well meaning but "rough love" inspired older brother, but the two of them are more or less equals. After all the Prince of Greatest Things needs to go through the Greatest Resistance and put in the Greatest Effort while PoLT has to do hardly anything at all. Defeating PoLT and taking his crown gives you all of his abilities, but you must roll under your wisdom each day or be consumed with a completely disabling lethargy. A week of failed throws causes you to wilt and shrink until you become The Prince of Least Things.

Encounter: The Lich Emperor has made their phylactery into the smallest, most minuscule grain of sand in the world and hidden it in a great desert. PoLT knows exactly where it is.

Encounter: A boy who was voted the Least Likely to Succeed has taken the crown of PoLT somehow and is causing havoc in the village. You must somehow make the boy succeed at something meaningful to stop him. This is difficult because he's a complete moron. 

Who do that Hoodoo?

I'm going to walk you down a road of old oaks and hanging spanish moss. I'm going to guide you down to my home in the Lowcountry of the southern US, a place of superstition and magic. Growing up, I was surrounded by stories and folk beliefs. I heard the tales of Brer Rabbit, I was warned about the Boohag and the Plat-eye, I was told why the shutters were robin's egg blue and why you always left a broom by the front door. For, you see, magic was being worked all around me, a magic called The Root.

The Root is both a broad term for the hoodoo folk beliefs of the area and a specific term for a type of gris-gris or medicine bag that is a common charm associated with the beliefs. Rootwork comes in many forms, from the creation of small Root talismans to protect from the evil eye, to the painting of windows Haint Blue to ward off spirits, to "chewing the root" to curse those who would do you harm. My home area was known for a number of Root Doctors, such as Doctor Bug and Doctor Eagle, but the two most infamous were Doctor Buzzard and Sheriff James E. McTeer. Stephney Robinson was and still is considered the greatest Root Doctor of all time and his Mantle of Doctor Buzzard continues to be passed down, with his grandson still practicing Rootwork under the ancestral title. Sheriff McTeer was his archnemesis, a lawman who practiced the Root and used these tools to combat those using The Root to con and scare people.

James Edward McTeer, Root Doctor and Sheriff

There are dozens of stories of Sheriff McTeer's and Doctor Buzzard's conflicts and each time Doctor Buzzard would escape through his trickery. From catching bullets to escaping from coffins as a black cat, there seemed to be nothing that could hold the old Root Doctor. Even the court of law could get no airtight cases around him, as he sat before the judge in his purple tinted shades, chewing the root. In fact his ability to avoid the law was so profound that many of his "customers" would pay for him to make a powder that could be sprinkled in the court room to confound lawyers and witnesses. Supposedly, he quit his more criminal ways after Sheriff McTeer placed a Root on one of Doctor Buzzard's sons, resulting in the young man crashing his car off of one of the many local bridges and drowning in the Port Royal sound.

The Woods Memorial Bridge in Beaufort, SC.

I feel that the concept of Root Doctors could be made a class in and of itself, but I'm going to save that for another time. For now, I'm going to hand out a few resources that could bring a little Lowcountry Root flavor to your game.

Root Monsters

Don't let the Boo Hag ride you!

The Boohag

HD 5
Appearance: In the day, a scrawny, crooked, mean tempered old woman; in the night, a bloody red skinless spirit.
Wants: To ride your chest, steal your breath, and haunt your dreams
Armour: Leather, incorporeal immune to non-magical weapons at night
Move: 1/2 Normal during day, 2x Normal (Fly) at night
Morale: 8
Damage: See below

Steal Breath: Once per night, Boohag may target a sleeping creature. This creature falls into a deeper nightmare filled sleep and be unable to wake until they are exposed to natural light. During this time, the Boohag will ride wildly upon their chest and suck away their breath, dealing 1d6 CON damage. If a creature dies from this effect, the Boohag increases their HD by 1 and the creature is unable to be resurrected by anything less than a Wish effect.

Claw: In either form, the Boohag has terrible sharp nails that deal damage as a dagger.

Spellcasting:  The Boohag often works as a proficient Root Worker and can use any of the Root Magic listed or can use Necromancer Spells as a Magic User of half her HD in levels.

The Boohag is a terrible creature who wears human flesh in the day, and sloughs it off to seek victims in the night. During the day, the Boohag appears as a terrible old lady looking all the part of a hideous witch. During the night, the Boohag strips her flesh away and flies forth as a bloody wild spirit. She will choose a sleeping victim and "ride" them, sitting on their chest and filling them with nightmares while she steals their breath. Many victims of night terrors and sleep paralysis are in fact victims of a Boohag. There are a few certain ways to protect oneself from a Boohag. The most common are to leave a broom or a flour sifter outside your front door. She will become so busy with counting the bristles or holes that she'll soon need to flee the dawning sun. The other fool proof method is to carry a Boo-Daddy, a type of charm described below. The only way to permanently destroy a Boohag is to burn their skin while they are out of it. You can also torture and banish a boohag by rubbing salt and chili powder into the skin.

This, plus it is screaming at you in Aunt Mildred's voice.

Plat-Eye

HD 3
Appearance: A shifting shadow with a single plate sized glowing eye, often takes the form of a large black dog.
Wants: To lead you astray, to protect hidden treasure.
Armour: Chain, immune to non-magical weapons
Move: 2x Normal
Morale: 12- conditional
Damage: See below.

Terrible Transformation: The Plat-Eye can turn itself into anything out of nightmare, such a giant maggot riddled dog or a screaming inverted head or anything out of Veins of the Earth. This does not change its stats or attack, but each time it transforms it may target one creature who is then affected by Cause Fear. If using the GLOG system, assume a 4 [Dice] casting.

Corrupting Touch: The Plat-Eye's mere touch is harmful to living flesh. Its attack bypasses all non magical armor and deals 1d4 damage that cannot be healed without the presence of sunlight. 

The Plat-eye is a hideous type of undead warden created by those who wish to protect buried treasure. They are created when one versed in The Root buries the head of one they consider an enemy along side whatever it is they wish to protect. From the head, a vile solid shadow arises and keeps an eternal vigil. When confronted, the creature transforms itself into various awful forms, meant to frighten away would be treasure-seekers. Bringing a Plat-Eye to 0 HP banishes it for the night, but it will regenerate on the next moonrise. The only way to permanently defeat the Plat-Eye is to dig up its buried head and either destroy it utterly or give it its last rights. Confronting a Plat-Eye with a boodaddy or part of its original body will half its Morale score.

It's not called Root for nothing folks!

Root Magic Items

Any Root Worker can create one of these items given the materials and time. Each one is made specifically for an individual and thus will not work for another unless freely given.

Root Mojo: The most basic form of Root, this talisman is a small sewn up packet filled with special roots, herbs, bones, and other items of magical significance. It should be small enough to hang on a necklace or fit in a pocket. These mojo are mainly concerned with affecting the bearer's luck and can provide a +2 to roll associated with the mojo's purpose. These purposes are usually for things such as fertility, finding fortune/work, being safe at sea etc. These mojos can be used inversely by burying them on property owned by a target, thus "burying" their luck. This causes a -2 penalty instead and can only be dispelled by digging up and disposing of the Root.

Boodaddy: Created from a mixture of marsh mud, Spanish moss, sweet grass and salt water, the Boodaddy is a small humanoid doll with a bloated head and an atrophied body. After incubating it in an oyster shell for one week, the Boodaddy is infused with protective magic. A single Boodaddy will provide protection from 1 HD worth of Undead or Root Monster, rendering them unable to attack you. Attacking the creature yourself will break this protective magic. Multiple Boodaddies stack and the homes of those targeted by especially dangerous spirits might be covered in the small dolls. Every full moon, the Boodaddies animate and troop down to the closest river to sip oyster nectar and renew their power.

Goofer Dust: Raw magical reagents ground into a powder, Goofer Dust can act similarly to a potion or a scroll depending upon method of use. One could spread it across an area or toss it at a target, similarly one may mix it into water and drink it. Normally a specific spell might be prepared into the Goofer Dust, however an especially mischievous Root Worker may leave the dust unfocused and full of wild magic. This is your excuse to pull out whatever wild magic or Rod of Wonder effects table you might like. The only consistent theme of Goofer Dust is that it is used for malevolent or subversive purposes.

Black Cat Bone: Take a black cat and boil it alive. It will speak as a man and try to tempt you and stop you, but you must ignore it. Put the boiled cat in a canvas bag then pour it out over a swift moving river. One of its bones will float to the surface and move upstream rather than downstream. Collect this bone and ensure it doesn't see the light of day. By including this bone in a mojo or by holding it in your mouth, you may turn invisible as long as there is a shadow to hide in. The bone will eventually become brittle and lose its power on the following full moon, but remains a potent component for general use in Goofer Dust or Mojos.

Hoodoo Water, GMO and Pesticide Free!

Root Spells

There are many possible spells I could design here, but as I plan on making a Root Doctor class eventually, I'll just lay down a few.

High John The Conqueror

R: Touch T: creature D: [dice] hours or until used
A literal root spell, this creates a temporary talisman from a type of jalap root called John the Conqueror Root. The bearer of this root is enchanted to "get lucky." This will allow the user to have a +2 bonus to any seduction relate rolls and will ensure conception after any sexual congress. The user can alternatively use up all the luck at once and add [Sum] to any roll where luck or gambling is the primary determining factor of the roll.


Hotfoot Powder
R: 2x[sum] feet radius T: Area D: [Dice] Hours
A temporary protection against those who would do you harm, Hotfoot Powder is spread in an approximate circle around an area and creates an inpenetrable ward against disembodied undead. When cast, the caster can also identify a single unique being of 2x[dice] HD to be similarly warded against. If the caster, or whomever spreads the Hotfoot Powder, steps over the circle, the magic is nullified.


Two Headed (Wo)Man
R: 0 T: Self D: [dice] x 10 minutes/Permanent
As Wizard Vision, except it can only be cast on oneself. The caster can also mitigate the Permanent aspects of the spell by wearing purple tinted spectacles. Root Lore Note: Called this because the caster has a "head in both worlds."

Haint Blue for warding off Haints, Hags, and other Horribles.

Root Superstitions

1. The Bottle Tree: A tree with blue glass bottles hanging upon it, evil spirits seek refuge in the bottles but are then trapped and destroyed with the rising sun.
2. Haint Blue: Painting doors, shutters, or porch ceilings "Haint Blue", kind of a robin's egg blue, will provide protection from hostile spirits.
3. The Written Word: By placing a parchment with writing in your shoe or papering the walls of a home with printed word, you may protect yourself from spirits as they must slowly read every word before they are able to possess or attack you.
4. Wasps and Snakes: Stinging insects and snakes will not fully die until sundown, rending even their ashes as potent and dangerous until then.
5. Knives: Carrying a new knife that has never been used on wood can be used to combat evil spirits.
6. Rabbit Foot: A rabbit's foot brings good luck. The left hind foot of a rabbit that lived in a graveyard brings the best luck.

Killing Princes for Profit

More Royal mistakes to be made!

So as you know the universe and everything in it is defined by its King. Now I'll note real quick, if it wasn't obvious, King in this case is a gender neutral title. A King exists as the ur-example and ruler of...well anything that an example can be made of. There is, for example, a King of Masculinity and a King of Femininity, and a King of ever possible gender identification that you or anyone else could imagine. Okay. So. Princes.

Look at these silly little guys!

For most every King, there is a whole host of Princes. These little guys represent all of the connections and variables within the King's sphere and connecting over to other King's spheres. Many Kings are also Princes, for example all individual Animal Kings are Princes of THE Animal King, who in turn is a Prince under the Eukaryote King. It gets convoluted fast. ANYWAYS, as many Kings as there are, there are many more non-king Princes. When a King dies, the Princes battle for supremacy and the winner is crowned King. This is how evolution works and why the polarity of the planet changes every few tens of thousand years.

As I've pointed out before, it is possible to kill a King yourself and take their place. The trouble with this is all the responsibility that comes with it. Mismanagement of Kingdoms is why some species specialize themselves into extinction or why we've got Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water but no Slood. So really, it is a lot safer and a lot more profitable to kill a Prince than a King.

Princes:

One of these is a Prince, the other impostors. Choose wisely.

HD 0 (HP 1) Prince of Cucumber Sandwiches 

Appearance: A cucumber sandwich about the size of your hand, wearing a small crown
Wants: All cucumber sandwiches to have expertly thin cucumbers and no hint of crust to the bread
Armour: None
Move: 1/2 Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: See below

Cucumber Curse- Save vs. Spell or be unable to gain nourishment from any food source save Cucumber Sandwiches until the curse is lifted.

Food Poisoning- When eaten, Save vs. Poison or take 1d6 temporary CON damage and be fatigued until a full rest.

One of the myriad children of the King of Teatime Etiquette (KTE), PoCS is probably among the puniest of the lot, especially when compared to the likes of Prince Earl Grey. KTE regularly bestows the crown of the Prince anew since PoCS is highly prone to being eaten by noblewomen, bored butlers, scavenging hobos, and your occasional misplaced adventurer. Find this Prince and eat them before it lays its curse upon you and, for the length of a single soiree you will have impeccable manners, be a perfectly witty conversationalist, and be able to cast Glamour of Servitude with two MD once.

Encounter: Hiding among the hors d'oeuvres at the Count's gala, the chef didn't cut off all the crusts and the Prince is out for blood.

Encounter: The Prince is seeking to expand his domain into ALL tea sandwiches and seeks right now to defeat its greatest rival, Prince Watercress. It is willing to put in a good word to any minor gentry for assistance.

STOP IT!

HD 2 Prince of Puns
 Appearance: A small constantly twitching imbecile with a tube-shapes head and a question mark crown.
Wants: All humor to be pun based.
Armour: Leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 6
Damage: See below

PUN-ishment: Any time a player says or does something that the GM is able to make a pun out of, the Prince of Puns speaks a pun so terrible that all within hearing range must Save or take 1d6 damage as their ears bleed profusely. Deaf targets are immune, putting hands over your ears gives a +/-4 to the save (as system appropriate).This ability is automatic and targets everyone in hearing range, the Prince of Puns cannot help it.

The Prince of Puns, one of the King of Joke's least favored children, is the bane of all humor everywhere. You'd like to think that there are good puns out there somewhere. This is a falsehood that the Prince of Puns actively encourages. All puns are terrible. Some puns are just cringe worthy. Some are worthy of defenestration. Do not give into the Prince of Puns.

Defeating Puns and taking the crown gives the wearer the PUN-ishment ability, however the wearer is included in the ability's effect.

Encounter: Comedy night at the Bards' College. Someone is telling the worst puns imaginable. Stop the Prince of Puns from this awful influence before the audience dies of internal hemorrhaging.

Encounter: The Prince of Puns is in love with the Prince of Slapstick. Help Puns write a masterful love letter without there being any room for puns.

Find me a better pineapple picture, I dare you.

HD 6 Prince of Pineapples
Appearance: The best pineapple ever. What more do you want?
Wants: To be eaten, to eat you. To be the best tropical fruit ever.
Armour: As Chain
Move: Normal
Morale: 8
Damage: See Below:

Spines: Any melee attack that misses the Prince of Pineapples is automatically countered with the Prince's spines, dealing 1d8 damage.

Bromelain: Any attack that deals slashing or piercing the Prince of Pineapples releases its acidic juice, dealing 1d4 acid damage to all those in a 10' cone.

Eat the Eater: If dealt bite damage or if eaten, target must Save vs. Con or be dealt damage as Bromelain for 1d4 rounds or until the acid is somehow neutralized. Target also has a very sore mouth.

One of the Tropical Fruit Princes, Pineapples has been trying to get a foothold among the more broad fruit categories. Prince of Mangoes and Prince of Coconuts have been Pineapple's primary rivals in this, but thus far Pineapple leads the pack. Pineapple believes itself to be among the coolest of all the Princes and spends most of its time on the beaches with the Prince of Coconuts, who is said to be the secret parent of the Prince of Pina Coladas.

Defeating Pineapple and takings its power grants its Spines. Good luck hugging anyone ever again.

Encounter: The Prince of Pineapples has decided that it will wage a war on the Prince of Apples. Since neither is made for each other's climate, they wage a proxy war through the PCs.

Encounter: The Chieftain wishes to throw a luau for his daughter's wedding and will handsomely reward any who bring him the perfect ingredient to go with the roasted pig centerpiece. The Prince of Pineapples would fetch a high price.

HD 8 Prince of Discarded Identities
Appearance: Can appear as any identity that has been permanently discarded by anyone. True appears as a black silhouette.
Wants: To watch over every sloughed off identity and the associated paraphernalia. Discarded ID badges, maiden names,  discarded pseudonyms, etc.
Armour: As identity or as Plate
Move: As identity or as Normal
Morale: 10
Damage: See Below

Assume Identity: The Prince of Discarded Identities can turn into any creature of 5 HD or less, taking 1d6 rounds to transform as it sorts through identities. It takes all derivative stats, weaknesses and abilities of the creature, except HD.

Remove Identity: In its true form, the Prince of Discarded Identities strikes for 1d6 damage. However targets must Save vs (relevant Stat) or have the targeted stat moved towards the baseline average by 1d6. Once all stats are averaged, one more successful strike will cause the target to be absolutely generic and become an NPC.

This Prince ultimately wants to be simply left alone. It protects a vast trove of forgotten, unloved, and otherwise cast off identities. It both loves and hates those who regularly go through identities (such as scoundrels and Dopplegangers) as they continuously produce new identities for the Prince but also not giving the identities the love the Prince wishes for them. This Prince cannot be permanently defeated as killing it merely removes one of its nigh endless forms.

Defeating this Prince allows the victor to assume the identity of whatever the Prince was when it was defeated. Defeating the Prince in its True Form allows the victor to remove themselves permanently from the memory of one person.

Encounter: A serial killer turns out to be an ancient Doppleganger who has been through hundreds of thousands of identities. This Prince might be able to help link the identities together and lead towards the culprit.

Encounter: A PC is given a terrible curse that even the most profound magics seem to be unable to remove. The only way to survive it is to completely change who they are by defeating the Prince of Discarded Identities.

Look at this smug bastard.

10 HD Prince of Princes
Appearance: About 10 cm tall, green, has a little antennae looking crown. So smug you instantly want to slap its face.
Wants: To become the King of Kings.
Armour: As Plate+Shield
Move: 2x Normal
Morale: 12
Damage: See Below:

Royal Heft: While tiny, the Prince of Princes is invested in significant cosmic power and has the square cube law on its side. The Prince has no upper lifting limit, only limited by what the ground below can handle. Anything lifted can then be thrown at a 60' range increment and damage is done on a scale based on weight. Goblin-sized 1d6, Human sized 2d6, Ogre sized 3d6, Shed sized 4d6 and so on.

Royal Decree: Every 1d6 rounds of combat, the Prince may make a Royal Decree affecting all those in a 30' cone. Those who hear the Decree must save or be afflicted with a random mutation for 1d6 rounds. If caught in a second Decree while mutated, the target must save again or the mutation is permanent.

Royal Backhand: The Prince may be small, but woe to he who tempts its wrath. Despite coming up to most people's ankles, the Prince can do 2d6 unarmed damage and knock prone any who fail a Dex save.

Royal Summons: Once per day, the Prince may randomly summon any other single prince in existence. The GM may a specific set in mind or may use a generator like this to create one on the spot. The Prince may dismiss other Princes at a whim.

Like being the number one minion, the beauty contest runner up, the eternal second place, the Prince of Princes is at once the greatest of the Princes and yet has no King to aspire to. You see, the One King, the King of Kings, shattered long ago under the weight of its own Crown, thus giving rise to the Kings of today. The Prince of Princes would be the One King's inheritor, but the One King's power lies spread among all who rule in his place. Thus, the Prince merely rules over the Princes, dictating their form and formation while never getting invited to any of the King-Parties. The Prince will show them all! One day...

Defeating the Prince of Princes and taking its crown will give the wearer the Prince's incredible lifting strength, but also fill them with the Prince's desire. Every day not spent scheming to kill and defeat a King, make a Wisdom saving throw (or Save Vs. Death or something). Failing the save results in the Prince burrowing out of your skull (3d6 damage, does equal to Int) to reclaim its crown.

Encounter: The Prince is throwing a party for all of its cousin princes. The party, having defeated a prince or two, accidentally get invited. Awkwardness is sure to ensue.

Encounter: The Prince of Marquises has been feeling bold lately, teach them a lesson for us. Or, in reverse, assassinate the Prince of Princes and bring the Prince of Marquises the tiny crown.

Thanks

Thanks to my sister for the Prince of Puns. Thanks to Furtive Goblin for Cucumber Sandwiches. Thanks to David Shugars for Pineapples and Discarded Identities.

Within the Axebitten Woods

Furtive Goblin's setting, tentatively called the ITU universe, is, for the most part, rather low magic. There is a mean old hedge wizard that we've met and there are some fantastical beasts such as the Blood Wasps and the Zood. However there is one place that has known the stench of truly foul magics, though the truth of this horror is little known to outsiders. For, you see, it is not for the foul creeping rot that loggers and farmers stray from the Axebitten Woods, but for the Wood's protectors.

A Wendigo, but close enough!

The Longfolk are whispered of like boogeymen among the homesteaders of the Reossos basin. Twice the height of a man, but with bodies disturbingly gaunt, distressingly stretched and clothed only in blue-grey ash, they haunt the forest beyond the Axebite, a massive cleft of wasteland that cuts deep through the woods. The men of the Reossos basin only catch glimpses of movement in the dense forests beyond the Axebite, for any that step beyond their border finds themselves pin-cushioned with arrows the size of javelins. In fact, anything crossing the border is unerringly shot down, be it man, beast, or bird. Even insects do not seem to escape the Longfolk's notice, as they are pinned to the trees as though stuck by an expert lepidopterist.

Imagine this, but it is you.

Unbeknown to the men beyond the woods, the Longfolk take these measures to protect them. For in an era long forgotten, something arose within the woods. A foul corrupting essence. A metaphysical cancer that consumes, profanes, and drives mad all those who fall under its touch. Fruit rots from within, trees slough off their bark like decayed flesh, animals become ghastly cannibalistic beasts. The once peaceful Longfolk adapted, giving up culture, trade, and joy to combat the corruption. They took up mighty axes and strong bows, they hunted and they purge with fire. Their bodies became stained with the ash of the cleansing fires. Their bodies distorted, growing longer and longer, so that they may increase the reach of their axes and the draw of their bows. 

Probably what we'd be getting if it were not for the Longfolk

So how do we use the Longfolk for out own means?

Although they are, ultimately, our defenders, they are nonetheless as Furtive Goblin presents them, an antagonistic force. They do not communicate in a tongue we know and most often we only see them as a fleeting presence before a 4 foot long arrow flies through our chest. While I guess there is a possibility of a rogue Longfolk working as a race or a race-as-class, I feel they function better as a mysterious and dangerous obstacle more than as a PC resource.

The Longfolk

"In legend, the Longfolk slay indiscriminately, mutilate the corpses, and burn the remains.
In fact, the Longfolk kill cautiously, neutralize the corpses, and purify the remains with fire."

HD: 5
Appearance: 10' naked androgynous grey humanoid, extremely disproportionately long limbs, carrying a massive bow and a long hafted ax.
Wants: to protect the Axebite, shoot outsiders, burn/cleanse rot
Armour: as plate

Move: 1.5*normal
Morale: 12
Damage: see below.

Longfolk only take 1 damage per die from fire based attacks.

The Longfolk work in 3 attack patterns:

Ballista Bow: From a range of 120' the Longfolk may fire massive arrows dealing 2d6 damage.

Long Axe: A wide, two-handed chopping arc dealing 1d10 damage and knocking target prone.

Cleansing Fire: The Longfolk are experts as creating incredibly hot burning fires, and given one round to prepare may create a firebomb acting as a 3rd level Magic-User's Fire Ball.