Monday, June 25, 2018

Dear Goody Mooncup, Episode 1: Nuts, Feet, and Tenants

A temptation to us all to be sure.

Dear Ms. Goody,

My cousin has been burned in the balls by an Ochre Jelly and the paladin says it serves him right for being such a lecherous heathen. Can you suggest anything for him?

- Ochre Nuts

Dear Ochre,

We've all been known to indulge in the pleasures of slimes, jellies, cubes, and molds once in a while and your "cousin" is not alone in his experience. Youthful experimentation has its consequences and it is up to us as individuals to own up to them. It is not, however, the Paladin's place to judge. In fact, I'm quite certain that this Paladin is more afraid of a laying on of hands than they are truly judgmental of your cousin. If the Paladin cannot own up to their own feelings, I suggest a salve of ustilagor nectar and powdered bismuth followed by a cold compress.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

Early stages of a fungal infection.

Dear Goody,

Recently, I’ve developed a green fungus between the third and forth toes of my left foot. While it was tolerable when it was just itching, it had now developed a distinct odor. What should I do?

-Funky Feet

Dear Funky,

Congratulations! From your symptoms, I would surmise that you've become host to a Trichophyton Myconid, a well traveled species known for their athletic prowess and their adorable accent. It is understandable that you are apprehensive as a new parent-to-be, but as a parent many times over myself, know that this is a joy and a blessing. Over the course of the next few weeks, you will be experiencing some completely normal changes. Your foot will swell to about two meters while the spores mature. You will develop cravings for high phosphate foods such as raw red meat and cheese. The most comfortable environment for you both is warm, dark and moist; I suggest moving into the nearest swamp or sewer. Soon the green buds will be fully developed and will detach on their own, becoming individual Myconids. They will mature in about six weeks, so cherish the time you have together. If you've decided that you are not ready for this responsibility, treat your foot with a balm made of the exudate from beaver castor sacs, ground garlic and crystallized urine.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

A cozy piece of real estate

Dear Goody,

To help get by, my wife and I decided to rent out our cellar to a tenant. About a week after we put our add on the board at the tavern, a bag of gold pieces showed up on our doorstep. We never met our new tenant, but a thick, eerie mist seems to emanate from the cellar now, and we occasionally hear a deep groaning. I think we should evict them, but my wife appreciates the steady extra income and the tenant’s tidiness. What should we do?

-Reluctant Landlord

Dear Reluctant,

It is entirely within your right to evict a troublesome tenant, however that last thing you want is to acquire the reputation as a tough or intolerant landlord. I suggest that you first confront your tenant face-to-face with your concerns, especially as they appear to otherwise be an exemplary tenant. You need to ask yourself if you'd rather chance evicting this tenant and receive another who is worse. One that plays music at all hours, or has a dog, or (eugh) wants to socialize. It might be wise to prepare yourself for this confrontation. Have what you want to say in mind ahead of time. Walk with good posture and speak in a clear voice. Bring a copy of your renter's agreement, with your specific concerns marked. Bring holy water and a silver dagger.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

A typical troll.

Dear Goody,

People are wrong online, how do I help them learn they are wrong?

-Lung Fungus

Dear Lung,

Many writing in this week who know the joy of fungi! I am sorry that you are experiencing issues with those who differ in opinion, especially on the line. Ever since I had my tin can and string installed, I have had to have it serviced time and again. I can not tell you how many times unruly kids have stolen my bandwidth, I would wake up and find that my string is more like a thread! But back to your question, there are many ways to educate the ignorant. In your case, I believe the best method would be to first bury a rooster up to its neck in sand. Place a number of grains around it equal to the number of letters in your preferred alphabet. Speak the name of your enemy and slash your palm with a standard anathema dagger, and spread your blood over the rooster's beak. It will peck at the grains, giving you directions to your enemy's location. Bring a heavy scroll detailing why you are right and they are wrong and use this to beat the knowledge into them.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

A typical example of the Gobo furtivus. 

Hello, Goody Mooncup.

These questions may be a little different from what you are used to. Please excuse the length.

My first, and more immediate, is could you direct your various "tasty" readers to bury their questions a few dozen yards or meters (whatever your preference) farther to the west than they currently do?

I noticed that several of your marsh goblins have to pass through the property of a particularly avid family of hunters on their way to collect the ram skulls. Nothing is in season at the moment, but I fear that my distant relatives might be mistaken for something edible and riddled with tactical crossbow bolts one unfortunate night.

Also, they keep eating unreasonably large amounts of my stored acorns when I invite them into my burrow for coffee- I worry they might not be eating sufficiently.

Second, do you have any suggestions for how else I could make a hyper-aggressive breed of grey squirrels more docile, other than to appease them with regular acorn sacrifices? 

The scratching is getting louder again.

-The Furtive Goblin

Dear Furtive,

My dear Furt, thank you for writing again. I have your Narblesnard post card on my mantle next to my collection of amusingly shaped bezoars. I appreciate your concern for my staff who in turn have told me of your hospitality. However please remember that they are on the clock and any deviation from their schedule violates the conditions of their contract, thereby turning them back into pluff mud and sweet grass if my lawyer doesn't get to them first. I am afraid, however, that you might have my marsh goblins mixed with the marsh goblins of Mistress Peg Mumbley, as I take goat skulls and she takes ram skulls. It is an easy mistake and more than once we have had our mail mixed.

On your question regarding squirrels, I suggest grinding charcoal biscuits into a fine powder and spreading it over half of your acorn caches. On the other half dip each acorn in equal parts wahoo berry juice, asafoetida, apple liquor, sulphur and saltpetre. When you start to hear explosions you know the solution has worked. Please remember not to eat from two separate caches within 24 hours.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

And that's it for this week's Dear Goody Mooncup! Remember, if you still want a signed copy of "Joy of Potioncraft: A Compilation of Reliable Reagents" send your blood money to 666 Fowl Marsh Hut via carrier pigeon. 

Home sweet home!

Sunday, June 24, 2018

OSR: 'Pataphysician

Note: This post was originally drafted 5/18/18, 2 days after this blog was started.

Ubu Roi, the original 'Pataphysician.

In a previous post, I discussed the concepts of Crisis Energy and Probability Mining as well as putting forth my theory on magic on a more unified scale. While I argue that all spellcasters are, one way or another, harnessing Crisis Energy and Probability Mining, I believe there are those who act on this in a more active rather than passive role. Your standard Wizard is something of a magical layperson, they know enough to make a thing work and perhaps have read a few guides. Perhaps they got their B.A. of Thaumatology at the local community Wizard's Tower, but wisely realized that wizarding was not exactly a profitable enterprise and oh gods how am I ever going to pay these student loans back. For better for for worse, the 'Pataphysician is a Wizard who went the B.S. route and decided to go back for more schooling. Spell-Ferrets are lies for children to make understanding more easy, 'Pataphysician  understand that the more you know, the less sense it all makes. These are the sort of folks who, when told of Quantum Mechanics, ask where the Quantum Engineers are.

This, just its organic and its actually your brain.
art by Justin Oaksford


Perk: You understand that the reality we are living in one of nigh-infinite possible realities reached only through a series of choices and that there are dozens if not hundreds of other possibles realities being spawned every moment. Once a day you force a reroll for anything that could have conceivably gone otherwise, taking whatever the new roll is. You've not actually changed fate, rather you've stepped into a parallel self. You are also, for some reason, immune to dEr0 conspiracies. 

Drawback: Your constant exposure to Crisis Energy and manipulation of Probability makes it hard for reality to keep track of which you is you. Every day reroll your race on your GM's favorite random table.

1: You can make a flipped coin land on any side. Heads, Tails, Side, Bicep, Liver, Castle, Ursa Major...The coin reverts to its normal shape when it is out of sight.
2: If something is inside of a box, you can tell with absolute certainty if it is alive or not without looking inside.
3: You can put one thing the size of a grapefuit into quantum stasis. While not exactly locked in time, this causes the target to always flow on the path of Probability where it doesn't rot, age, or otherwise decay. It can still be damaged by other means though. 

David Mattingly's Subway Wizard. Because why not?

Spell What If list:

1 What if this was a different game?
R: 0 T: self D: [sum]/2 rounds or until expended
On the caster's next roll, instead of rolling for success do the followed based on invested MD:
1: Odds or Evens
2: Rock-Paper-Scissors
3: Rock-paper-scissors-spock-lizard
4: Morra

The caster can also choose to invoke best two out of three, three out of five, or four out of seven for an invested [dice]. Ex. Invest 4 [dice], choose Rock-Paper-Scissors, can play to Three out of Five with remaining two invested [dice]. 

2 What if I just kept moving?
R: Touch Tcreature D: [sum] rounds
As long as the touched creature continues to move, any projectile shot at them will not reach them, as it will continuously have to reach the halfway point between their point of origin and their target. The number of dice invested increases size of projectiles effected:
1: Sling Stones
2: Arrows/Bolts
3: Spears/Javelins
4: Boulders

3 What if pain really was just weakness leaving the body?
R: Touch Tcreature D: [dice] rounds
Touched creature gains Defense equal to 20-current HP but not exceeding [sum].

4 What if they picked up the wrong weapon?
R: 30 T: 1 weapon per [dice] D: [sum] rounds.
Severity of change depends upon [sum]
1-6: A less effective weapon of the same type (-1 to hit or -1 to damage)
7-12: A vastly inferior and possibly very different weapon (half damage, swords become blunt sticks or the like)
12-15: An almost totally nonlethal object (weapon damage becomes 1d1)
>16: Something potentially harmful to the wielder, like a runny glob of molten metal or an irate badger (1d6 damage, disarmed for duration)

5 What if every possible strike was made?
R: Touch T: 1 weapon D: [dice] rounds, or until discharged
Invest one weapon with the power to become a Possible Weapon. The next attack made with the weapon will branch into every possible strike that could have happened, melding multiple Possibilities into a single fractal Actuality. This spell is affected by the accuracy of the attacker. A critical hit will result in normal critical damage being rolled plus [sum]. A critical miss will result in the attack branching into a sphere of mishaps, doing damage+[sum] to the attacker and everything within range, friend and foe alike. Just passing the target's defense, however, will create a cone of attacks dealing damage times [dice].

What if you can only arrive, by first bridging half of the remaining distance?
R: 60' T: [Sum]/2 HD Creature D: [dice]*2 rounds, or until discharged
Targeted creature is unable to come closer than half the starting distance between itself and the caster, thereby continuously keeping it out of melee range. The caster, in turn, also cannot move closer than half the starting distance to the target. The caster may attempt a Strength check to forcibly move closer, thereby ending the spell early.  

7. What if God were one of us?
R: Across the table T: The GM D: Until the GM can say Joan Osborn or [sum] rounds, which ever comes first
A nerdy human in a logo tee manifests next to the caster. They possess completely average human stats and is considered a level 1 monk. The human will react as appropriate to the situation and has a morale of 2d6-2. For each ration that is given to the human that could conceivably be considered junkfood, they gain 1 HD, +1 Attack, and +1 Defense up to [dice]*2. The player who casts this spell is responsible for paying for pizza next session.

8. What if THA0 was still a thing?
R: 100' T: Party + [sum] HD creatures D: [dice]*2 rounds
All Defense (AC, THAC0, DEF, etc.) stats are swapped to their opposite on a d20. Thus 1 becomes 20, 20 becomes 1, etc. In the case of actually using THAC0, add 20 to Negative Defenses,.  

9. What if I had chosen a different profession?
R: - T: The Party D: [Sum] Rounds/ Permanent
The caster's player places their character sheet in the middle of the table and everyone else passes their sheets to the left. All players retain their character's basic identity but are now defined by their new character sheet. One player will be without a sheet, this is because the choices made by the caster in their altered youth resulted in that character's demise. Characters have refreshed HP and MD but revert to previous status when the spell is complete. Investing 4 or more MD makes this spell permanent. 

10. What if you strapped buttered bread to a cat?
R: 30' T: 1 [sum] HD Creature D: [dice]+2 rounds
Targeted creature flung 30' into the air and begins to spin in place at a high velocity. For the duration of the spell, the creature is unable to orient itself or move from its position and any attempt at an attack targets a random area around the creature. Target takes appropriate fall damage when the spell is complete and is nauseated for a number of rounds equal to the the number of rounds spent in the air.


11. What if everything were different?
R: 1 Mile Radius T: [sum]*[dice] Creatures, Terrain D: Permanent
The caster permanently transposes another reality on top of this one in a 1 mile radius area. The terrain is randomly changed to: 1. Forest 2: Marsh/Swamp 3. Desert 4. Taiga 5. Steppe 6. Mountains. All animals within the area are transformed into creatures appropriate to the new biome. All sentient humanoid creatures in the area (including the caster and their allies) are changed to a random new race (use the GM's favorite race or resurrection table). Inherently magical or unique creatures may be unaffected or may be allowed a Save vs. Death to resist the effects. 

12 What if the cat were alive AND dead?
R: Touch T: [sum] HD Creature D: [dice] rounds
Touched creature enters a state of quantum uncertainty, appearing as many dozen versions of the creature overlayed on top of one another. While in this state, any rolls made by the creature act as though they made the worse possible, best possible, and median result and take any associated consequences therein. If the result is truly paradoxical, like both successfully climbing a wall and also falling off of it, all observers must Save vs. Spell. If more observers fail than succeed, the target acts as though failed and visa versa. Furthermore those who failed the saving throw take 1d6 damage while their brain has a mild hemorrhage. 

Admittedly, Moondog was more of a Bard than a Wizard, but he looked the part!

1. Take 1d6 damage as reality backhands you.
2. Reality has misplaced your instructions. You are incorporeal and stunned for 1d6 rounds as everything is sorted out.
3. You become overwhelmed with all the Possibilities before you, act as blinded for 1d6 rounds.
4. Spell goes into Crisis Overload. Spell recasts itself repeatedly at closest valid target until all magic die are used up.
5. Reality calls for a do-over. Reroll Magic Die for spell, take the less advantageous result.
6. Random mutation for 1d6 rounds, then make a save. Permanent if you fail.

1. You become aware that you are a character in a game being controlled by someone who, undoubtedly, does not have an 18 Int. Any time anyone at the table calls your actions into question, you have a 50% chance to loose that action as your player struggles with story logic vs. metagame logic.
2. Somewhere out there, there is a you who has only made bad decisions. This is now you. Reroll, in order, 4d6 for each of your stats, dropping the highest.
3. You've become so unstuck from fate and probability that reality decides it is far better off without you. You not only no longer exist, you never have and never will in this or any other reality. Time/Space adapts accordingly. Hand the GM your sheet and a lighter. Remember, this is your fault.

To avoid this fate, you must become self referential (such as becoming your own grandfather) or ascend to being an Ontological Truth, so bound to the foundation of reality that you might as well be Gravity or electromagnetic radiation. I suggest killing a true King and taking their place.

This guy knows what's up.


I don't know man. This was one of the first posts I started up when I made this blog and I just needed to get it of my drafts. It is weird and probably unbalanced and messes with meta and 4th wall a lot. I will eventually make a better 4th wall class. Consider this a combination of practice and a remember to myself how the Snake Wizard is absolutely a sign of growth since originally coming up with this class.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Goody Mooncup's Joy of Potioncraft

Fat Witch by Jonas Jensen

Salutations my tasty poppets!

It is I, Goody Mooncup, here once again to spread my wisdom to all my lovelies. If you are a first time reader of my works, might I also suggest my informative pamphlets: "How Necromancy Saved My Marriage" and "Owls, Howls, and Bowels: Distressing Sounds and How to Cure Them."

Today, I would like to share with you some of the secrets to the wonderful art of Potioncrafting! If you like what you see here today, don't forget to buy my upcoming collection "Joy of Potioncraft: A Compilation of Reliable Reagents"  for the most reasonable price of 20 SP plus tax.

Ban-Ban Wafers 
Makes about a three dozen wafers

These crisp biscuits contain only about 2 grams of ectoplasm apiece, and are festive enough for a seance table. Be sure to use thick, fresh mucus so the filling will not be runny.

Preheat oven to Hansel and Gretel.

Whisk together thoroughly:
1 1/2 cups all-purpose mandrake flour
1/3 cup vegepygmy starch
1/2 teaspoon salt of hartshorn
1/4 teaspoon salt

Beat until well blended:
3 1/2 tablespoons unsalted minotaur butter, softened
3 tablespoons olive or poppy oil
1 tablespoon dryad syrup
1/2 cup beet sugar
1 large cockatrice egg
1/4 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest
2 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1/4 teaspoon almond extract

Stir the flour mixture into the ectoplasm mixture just until combined. With lightly greased hands, pull off pieces of the dough and roll between your palms into 3/4-inch balls; do not make them larger, as the wafers should be small and will puff and spread a bit during baking. Space the balls about 2 inches apart on the sheets. With your thumb, press down the center of each ball to make a large, deep well. Fill the wells with:
About 2/3 cup ectoplam, flavored with sage, apple, fig, or any local forbidden fruit.

Very lightly sprinkle the tops of the wafers with:
2 to 3 tablespoons chopped sliced blanched or unblanched trent nuts

Bake, 1 sheet at a time, until the tops are just barely tinged with brown. Remove the sheets to a rack and let stand until the cookies firm slightly, about 2 minutes. Transfer the wafers to racks to cool.

These lovely wafers are sure to not only impress your friends, but also banish all the parasitic spirits currently possessing their tattered souls. Only just yesterday, my lovelies, I served these with nightshade tea at my weekly game of bridge and Mistress Belle-chose, bless her black heart, had two imps and host of flies wriggle from her ears after just one wafer!

Cat's Claret
Makes 10, 1 cup servings

Chill two quarts assassin vine wine.

In a copper pot, heat a 1/2 quart of the same and stir while adding 1/2 cup brown sugar. Mix until sugar has fully dissolved. 

Using mortar and pestle, grind until a fine powder is achieved:
1 Tbsp. Cinnamon 
1 Tbsp. Ginger
1 Tbsp. Grains of Purgatory
1 Tbsp. Extra Long Pepper
1 Tbsp. Galingale 
1 Tbsp. Coriander 
1 Tbsp Sweetflag 
1 Tbsp. Catnip 

Place one ounce of the powder into cheesecloth and steep in the warm wine before adding to the chilled.


A multipurpose beverage that will make you the talk of the hamlet! With Galingale to stir up male virility, Sweetflag to induce labor, and Coriander to dispel gas, this delicious concoction has something for everyone. The only trouble, my lovely readers, is that you'll attract every cat in a two mile radius and I haven't quite worked out why!

Bonnie Beth's Bog Beverage 
Makes 1 sturdy flagon.

With thick leather gloves and a glass or copper container, combine:
1 gill aqua regia 
1 gill aqua vitae 
1 gram of dried mosquito larvae

 Dissolve pearl ash in 100 milligram scoops while mixing with a glass stirrer until the liquid has stopped smoking. Filter through charcoal.

Add resulting liquid to 2 pints of herbal schnaps. Chew one charcoal biscuit and quaff.

A recipe from my dear cousin Bonnie Beth, this digestif is sure to clear out even the most stubborn intestines! As an added bonus, this delicious concoction allows you to speak with mosquitoes so you won’t  be lonely in your water-closet. 

These recipes and many more await in "Joy of Potioncraft: A Compilation of Reliable Reagents"! Send your carrier pigeon today and get a free rat's tail bookmark and a signature from yours truly.

Until next time, Stay Tasty, my Lovelies. 

If you Tasty Lovelies out there have a question or concern that has been bothering you, please scratch them into the forehead of a goat skull and bury it in the woods. Each skull is carefully reviewed by our staff of marsh goblins. Goody Mooncup receives many skulls but some are lost in transit or are whisked away by the goblins, and thus she cannot answer everyone. We thank you for understanding.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Who do that Hoodoo?

I'm going to walk you down a road of old oaks and hanging spanish moss. I'm going to guide you down to my home in the Lowcountry of the southern US, a place of superstition and magic. Growing up, I was surrounded by stories and folk beliefs. I heard the tales of Brer Rabbit, I was warned about the Boohag and the Plat-eye, I was told why the shutters were robin's egg blue and why you always left a broom by the front door. For, you see, magic was being worked all around me, a magic called The Root.

The Root is both a broad term for the hoodoo folk beliefs of the area and a specific term for a type of gris-gris or medicine bag that is a common charm associated with the beliefs. Rootwork comes in many forms, from the creation of small Root talismans to protect from the evil eye, to the painting of windows Haint Blue to ward off spirits, to "chewing the root" to curse those who would do you harm. My home area was known for a number of Root Doctors, such as Doctor Bug and Doctor Eagle, but the two most infamous were Doctor Buzzard and Sheriff James E. McTeer. Stephney Robinson was and still is considered the greatest Root Doctor of all time and his Mantle of Doctor Buzzard continues to be passed down, with his grandson still practicing Rootwork under the ancestral title. Sheriff McTeer was his archnemesis, a lawman who practiced the Root and used these tools to combat those using The Root to con and scare people.

James Edward McTeer, Root Doctor and Sheriff
There are dozens of stories of Sheriff McTeer's and Doctor Buzzard's conflicts and each time Doctor Buzzard would escape through his trickery. From catching bullets to escaping from coffins as a black cat, there seemed to be nothing that could hold the old Root Doctor. Even the court of law could get no airtight cases around him, as he sat before the judge in his purple tinted shades, chewing the root. In fact his ability to avoid the law was so profound that many of his "customers" would pay for him to make a powder that could be sprinkled in the court room to confound lawyers and witnesses. Supposedly, he quit his more criminal ways after Sheriff McTeer placed a Root on one of Doctor Buzzard's sons, resulting in the young man crashing his car off of one of the many local bridges and drowning in the Port Royal sound.

The Woods Memorial Bridge in Beaufort, SC.
I feel that the concept of Root Doctors could be made a class in and of itself, but I'm going to save that for another time. For now, I'm going to hand out a few resources that could bring a little Lowcountry Root flavor to your game.

Root Monsters

Don't let the Boo Hag ride you!

The Boohag

HD 5
Appearance: In the day, a scrawny, crooked, mean tempered old woman; in the night, a bloody red skinless spirit.
Wants: To ride your chest, steal your breath, and haunt your dreams
Armour: Leather, incorporeal immune to non-magical weapons at night
Move: 1/2 Normal during day, 2x Normal (Fly) at night
Morale: 8
Damage: See below

Steal Breath: Once per night, Boohag may target a sleeping creature. This creature falls into a deeper nightmare filled sleep and be unable to wake until they are exposed to natural light. During this time, the Boohag will ride wildly upon their chest and suck away their breath, dealing 1d6 CON damage. If a creature dies from this effect, the Boohag increases their HD by 1 and the creature is unable to be resurrected by anything less than a Wish effect.

Claw: In either form, the Boohag has terrible sharp nails that deal damage as a dagger.

Spellcasting:  The Boohag often works as a proficient Root Worker and can use any of the Root Magic listed or can use Necromancer Spells as a Magic User of half her HD in levels.

The Boohag is a terrible creature who wears human flesh in the day, and sloughs it off to seek victims in the night. During the day, the Boohag appears as a terrible old lady looking all the part of a hideous witch. During the night, the Boohag strips her flesh away and flies forth as a bloody wild spirit. She will choose a sleeping victim and "ride" them, sitting on their chest and filling them with nightmares while she steals their breath. Many victims of night terrors and sleep paralysis are in fact victims of a Boohag. There are a few certain ways to protect oneself from a Boohag. The most common are to leave a broom or a flour sifter outside your front door. She will become so busy with counting the bristles or holes that she'll soon need to flee the dawning sun. The other fool proof method is to carry a Boo-Daddy, a type of charm described below. The only way to permanently destroy a Boohag is to burn their skin while they are out of it. You can also torture and banish a boohag by rubbing salt and chili powder into the skin.

This, plus it is screaming at you in Aunt Mildred's voice.


HD 3
Appearance: A shifting shadow with a single plate sized glowing eye, often takes the form of a large black dog.
Wants: To lead you astray, to protect hidden treasure.
Armour: Chain, immune to non-magical weapons
Move: 2x Normal
Morale: 12- conditional
Damage: See below.

Terrible Transformation: The Plat-Eye can turn itself into anything out of nightmare, such a giant maggot riddled dog or a screaming inverted head or anything out of Veins of the Earth. This does not change its stats or attack, but each time it transforms it may target one creature who is then affected by Cause Fear. If using the GLOG system, assume a 4 [Dice] casting.

Corrupting Touch: The Plat-Eye's mere touch is harmful to living flesh. Its attack bypasses all non magical armor and deals 1d4 damage that cannot be healed without the presence of sunlight. 

The Plat-eye is a hideous type of undead warden created by those who wish to protect buried treasure. They are created when one versed in The Root buries the head of one they consider an enemy along side whatever it is they wish to protect. From the head, a vile solid shadow arises and keeps an eternal vigil. When confronted, the creature transforms itself into various awful forms, meant to frighten away would be treasure-seekers. Bringing a Plat-Eye to 0 HP banishes it for the night, but it will regenerate on the next moonrise. The only way to permanently defeat the Plat-Eye is to dig up its buried head and either destroy it utterly or give it its last rights. Confronting a Plat-Eye with a boodaddy or part of its original body will half its Morale score.

It's not called Root for nothing folks!

Root Magic Items

Any Root Worker can create one of these items given the materials and time. Each one is made specifically for an individual and thus will not work for another unless freely given.

Root Mojo: The most basic form of Root, this talisman is a small sewn up packet filled with special roots, herbs, bones, and other items of magical significance. It should be small enough to hang on a necklace or fit in a pocket. These mojo are mainly concerned with affecting the bearer's luck and can provide a +2 to roll associated with the mojo's purpose. These purposes are usually for things such as fertility, finding fortune/work, being safe at sea etc. These mojos can be used inversely by burying them on property owned by a target, thus "burying" their luck. This causes a -2 penalty instead and can only be dispelled by digging up and disposing of the Root.

Boodaddy: Created from a mixture of marsh mud, Spanish moss, sweet grass and salt water, the Boodaddy is a small humanoid doll with a bloated head and an atrophied body. After incubating it in an oyster shell for one week, the Boodaddy is infused with protective magic. A single Boodaddy will provide protection from 1 HD worth of Undead or Root Monster, rendering them unable to attack you. Attacking the creature yourself will break this protective magic. Multiple Boodaddies stack and the homes of those targeted by especially dangerous spirits might be covered in the small dolls. Every full moon, the Boodaddies animate and troop down to the closest river to sip oyster nectar and renew their power.

Goofer Dust: Raw magical reagents ground into a powder, Goofer Dust can act similarly to a potion or a scroll depending upon method of use. One could spread it across an area or toss it at a target, similarly one may mix it into water and drink it. Normally a specific spell might be prepared into the Goofer Dust, however an especially mischievous Root Worker may leave the dust unfocused and full of wild magic. This is your excuse to pull out whatever wild magic or Rod of Wonder effects table you might like. The only consistent theme of Goofer Dust is that it is used for malevolent or subversive purposes.

Black Cat Bone: Take a black cat and boil it alive. It will speak as a man and try to tempt you and stop you, but you must ignore it. Put the boiled cat in a canvas bag then pour it out over a swift moving river. One of its bones will float to the surface and move upstream rather than downstream. Collect this bone and ensure it doesn't see the light of day. By including this bone in a mojo or by holding it in your mouth, you may turn invisible as long as there is a shadow to hide in. The bone will eventually become brittle and lose its power on the following full moon, but remains a potent component for general use in Goofer Dust or Mojos.

Hoodoo Water, GMO and Pesticide Free!

Root Spells

There are many possible spells I could design here, but as I plan on making a Root Doctor class eventually, I'll just lay down a few.

High John The Conqueror
R: Touch T: creature D: [dice] hours or until used
A literal root spell, this creates a temporary talisman from a type of jalap root called John the Conqueror Root. The bearer of this root is enchanted to "get lucky." This will allow the user to have a +2 bonus to any seduction relate rolls and will ensure conception after any sexual congress. The user can alternatively use up all the luck at once and add [Sum] to any roll where luck or gambling is the primary determining factor of the roll.

Hotfoot Powder
R: 2x[sum] feet radius T: Area D: [Dice] Hours
A temporary protection against those who would do you harm, Hotfoot Powder is spread in an approximate circle around an area and creates an inpenetrable ward against disembodied undead. When cast, the caster can also identify a single unique being of 2x[dice] HD to be similarly warded against. If the caster, or whomever spreads the Hotfoot Powder, steps over the circle, the magic is nullified.

Two Headed (Wo)Man
R: 0 T: Self D: [dice] x 10 minutes/Permanent
As Wizard Vision, except it can only be cast on oneself. The caster can also mitigate the Permanent aspects of the spell by wearing purple tinted spectacles. Root Lore Note: Called this because the caster has a "head in both worlds."

Haint Blue for warding off Haints, Hags, and other Horribles.

Root Superstitions

  1. The Bottle Tree: A tree with blue glass bottles hanging upon it, evil spirits seek refuge in the bottles but are then trapped and destroyed with the rising sun.
  2. Haint Blue: Painting doors, shutters, or porch ceilings "Haint Blue", kind of a robin's egg blue, will provide protection from hostile spirits.
  3. The Written Word: By placing a parchment with writing in your shoe or papering the walls of a home with printed word, you may protect yourself from spirits as they must slowly read every word before they are able to possess or attack you.
  4. Wasps and Snakes: Stinging insects and snakes will not fully die until sundown, rending even their ashes as potent and dangerous until then.
  5. Knives: Carrying a new knife that has never been used on wood can be used to combat evil spirits.
  6. Rabbit Foot: A rabbit's foot brings good luck. The left hind foot of a rabbit that lived in a graveyard brings the best luck.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Random Table of Metaphysical Courtiers

These folks, just with more eldritch appendages and auxiliary mouths.

Okay, so we have Princes and we have Kings, what about everything else? Well, what is royalty without a court of hangers on, landed gentry, and conniving aristocracy? So, we've got courtiers and Lesser Nobility. They don't rule over aspects of reality as the Kings and Princes do, they are more like the means by which they rule. If you had Wizard Vision, you would probably see the Marquis of Leg Lifting and its Knights ensuring that your dog is peeing correctly or the Earl of Earwax measuring the amount of cerumen in the Princess' ears. Mind you, not everyone in a Court is a Courtier. The itinerant Fools who wander between court to court are what we mortals typically refer to as Gods, and they have nothing to do with the way the world works.

See that monkey? That is who collects your prayers.
Cobbled Skald by Kieth Thompson
So, you need some random spirit, something for the Wizard to be abscently staring at, something that flirts just at the corner of someone's eye (probably the Count of Tears, counting their tears). Here's just a random table of beings that could be encounters, be subject of inane peasant beliefs, or just fill in background space.

Bad Hairdye Jobs
Bent Playing Cards
Book Glue
Copper Wire
Crumpled Hats
Déjà vu
Deflated Balls
Delayed Punchlines
Discarded Skin
Dregs of Leftovers
Drunken Notes to Yourself
Erotic Salt/Pepper Shakers
Explained Itches
Eye Floaters
Faded Drawings
Fake Banana Flavor
Fingerprints on Glasses
Flavor of Electricity
Flying in Dreams
Forgetting Dreams
Frustrating Sticky Things
Funny Bone Reactions
Earl Marshal
Homemade Knit Sweaters
Idealized Crushes
Inescapable Halitosis
Insomniatic Eureka Moments
Jamais vu
Foreign minister
Loose Change
Lost Left Socks
Grand Admiral
Meat Byproducts
Grand duke
Metallic Tastes
Grand Master
Mildew Smells
Missing Checkers Pieces
Missing, but Important Documents
Moldy, but Salvageable Food
Junior Technician
Non-wet Dog Smell
Once Met Relatives
Overly Ornate Silverware
Overstuffed Containers
Paper Scraps
Perfectly Crisp Bacon
Popping Joints
Presque vu
Pretty Stones
Random Goosebumps
Random Embarrassing Memories
Rings You Can't Afford
Rote Behaviors
Rusted Locks
Shed eyelashes
Prime minister
Skipping Stones
Snapped Violin Strings
Sneezes Caused by Light
Sore Teeth
Spicy Food Regrets
Stagnant Water
Stones in Shoes
Stubbed Toes
Taxidermied Pets
The Glint of Gold
Things That Aren't Mint
Too Specific Lies
Travelling Dread
Unexplained Itches
Unintended Compliments
Vicar general
Unintended Insults
Unwarranted Animosity
Vague Sense of Being Followed
Vaguely humanoid representations
Very Slight Breezes
Warped Reflections
Waving Back to Strangers
Wet Dog Smell
Words on the tip of your tongue

This, just so dense that you can't see your hands.