Monday, January 14, 2019

FUCK OFF BUER

What a useless jerk!
AAAAAAHHHHH BUER! FUCK OFF YOU LION GOAT WHEEL NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Goddamn he's even uglier in GeGeGe
WILL YOU GO AWAY IF I MAKE A POST FOR YOU?! FINE HOLY SHIT!

BUER IS THE GREAT PRESIDENT OF HELL AND HE HAS A BIG HARD ON FOR SAGITTARIUS. SUPPOSEDLY IF YOU SUMMON HIM HE'S PRETTY GOOD AT BOTANY AND MEDICINE AND FAMILIARS AND ALL THAT HIPPIE CRAP BUT YOU KNOW HE'S JUST GOING TO ROLL OVER YOU AND RAID YOUR FRIDGE BECAUSE HE'S SUCH CHODE!

ALL OF BUER'S MINIONS ARE SIMILARLY AWFUL, HERE IS HOW TO MAKE A BUER MINION! IF YOU WANT TO BE ESPECIALLY SHITTY USE THIS WITH MY FAMILIAR GENERATOR.

D4
TERRIBLE APPEARANCE
1
SKELETAL- COUNTS AS UNDEAD OR SOME FUCKERY
2
FLESHY- FUCK WHY IS IT SO CLAMMY?
3
DISEASED- INFLICTS RANDOM ILLNESS I GUESS?!
4
DEMONIC- HELLFIRE AND CHAINS AND SHIT


D6
 NUMBER OF HIDEOUS LIMBS/SPOKES ALSO HD
1
 1, OR IF YOU FEEL CRUEL 0 BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT?!
2
 2
3
 3
4
 4
5
 5
6
 6- EXPLODES IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT

D8
HIDEOUS LIMB TYPE
1
PAWS -FOR CLAWING
2
HOOVES -FOR KICKING
3
TALONS - FOR RAKING
4
TENTACLES -FOR FONDLING GRAPPLING
5
APE HANDS - OH FUCK OPPOSABLE THUMBS
6
ELEPHANTINE -FOR STOMPING AND TRAMPLING
7
INSECTILE- FUCKER CAN CLIMB UP WALLS
8
PINCERS- GODDAMN PINCHY CRAB HANDS

WHAT THE FUCK EVEN?!

D10
 GROSS HEAD
1
 HORSE - TWICE AS FAST
2
 GOAT - CAN EAT ANYTHING
3
 LION - CLOSER TO BUER +2 HD
4
 WOLF - COMES IN PACKS
5
 MAN-APE - KNOWS A DAMNING SECRET OF A PARTY MEMBER
6
 DRAGON - FIRE  BREATH
7
 EAGLE - DEAFENING SCREECH 
8
 SPIDER - SPITS WEBS
9
 ELEPHANT - GRAPPLING TRUNK
10
 SHARK - EXTRA BITE ATTACK


I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY LONGER


D%
 SHITTY MANE
1
RATTY LION'S MANE
2
CROWN OF THORNS
3
FLAILING CUTTLEFISH TENTACLES
4
CARAPACE SPACE HELMET
5
VENUS FLYTRAP
6
A BUNCH OF FINGERS
7
CIRCLE OF WOLF HEADS LIKE THAT SCYLLA FREAKSHOW
8
SNAKE ORGY
9
TONGUES
10
BALD

NO! BAD SICILY!

D12

 WEIRD FUCKEN EYES
1
SQUINTY- CAN SEE IN DARKNESS
2
THREE FUCKEN EYES ONE SHOOTS LASERS 
3
GOAT- FUCK WHY IS IT SO AWFUL? CAUSES FEAR OR SOMETHING
4
BLOODSHOT- SLEEP? THIS THING DOESN'T SLEEP
5
MANTIS SHRIMP - SO MANY COLORS, ALSO SEES INVISIBLE SHIT
6
SPIDER- 8 OF THEM! REALLY GOOD AT DETECTING MOTION
7
CHAMELEON- ONE ON FRONT ONE ON BACK, 360 GODDAMN
8
SNAIL EYES- CAN LOOK AROUND CORNERS 
9
HAGFISH-WELL KINDA EYES, FUCK IF I KNOW
10
SNAKE- ACTUALLY MEDUSA, HAHA WELCOME TO STONEVILLE
11
HUMAN EYES- YOUR EX'S EYES 
12
NO EYES- IT'S A BLIND FUCKEN WHEEL HOW'D IT LEARN TO DRIVE?!


Tall Mouther from the Forgotten Realms, best to be Forgotten

D20
 AWFUL ATTRIBUTE
1
 ALWAYS SCREAMING
2
 ALWAYS WANTS TO TALK ABOUT MEANINGLESS HORSESHIT
3
 BUER DOOR-TO-DOOR EVANGELICAL 
4
 SMELLS LIKE MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY'S LOCKER ROOM
5
 HIPSTER LEVEL SMUG, WON'T SAY WHAT THEY ARE SMUG ABOUT
6
 CHEWS GUM WITH THEIR MOUTH OPEN, DISGUSTING 
7
 SAYS, "NOT TO BE RACIST/SEXIST BUT..."
8
 WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT SEXUAL "CONQUESTS" 
9
 IS YOUR COMPLETE POLITICAL OPPOSITE
10
 TOTAL EDGELORD
11
 INAPPROPRIATE SENSE OF HUMOR, TERRIBLE LAUGH
12
 END EVERYTHING WITH AN ELLIPSIS...
13
 ASKS QUESTIONS THEY KNOW ALREADY AND CAN SAY, "UM ACTUALLY"
14
WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT THEIR LATEST "CLEANSE" DIET
15
CONSTANTLY APPLIES VASELINE TO LIPS
16
17
CORRECTS EVERYONE'S GRAMMAR...INCORRECTLY!
18
PERSISTENTLY STARES AT THE ASS OF HIGHEST CHA PARTY MEMBER
19
TIME HAS FOUR SIDES!
20
FARTS CONSTANTLY, LAUGHS AT OWN FARTS



Steve Lichman says it best. 
IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY ROLL A DEMONIC 5 GOAT LEGGED LION WITH A RATTY LION'S MANE, SQUINTY EYES, AND ALWAYS WANTS TO TALK ABOUT MEANINGLESS HORSESHIT THEN YOU JUST ENCOUNTERED BUER HIS OWN GODDAMN SELF, GOOD LUCK ASSHOLE!



NOTES
YOU WANT MECHANICS? FUCK THAT NOISE! ROLL AND MAKE UP YOUR FATE YOUR OWN DAMN SELF! I'VE SPENT ENOUGH TIME ALREADY ON THIS INFERNAL ACCIDENT!

BONUS SHITTY GRIFFON TABLE! 

ROLL ON EACH TABLE, COMBINE, MOURN, REPEAT

D10
 SHITTY BODY 
1
 RACCOON
2
 OPOSSUM
3
 FOX
4
 RAT
5
 COYOTE
6
 BOAR
7
 CANE TOAD
8
 SPHINX 
9
 KANGAROO
10
 HONEY BADGER

D%
 SHITTY HEAD AND WINGS
1
 SEAGULL
2
 CROW
3
 OSPREY
4
 CANADIAN GOOSE
5
 PIGEON
6
 CHICKEN
7
 VULTURE
8
 PELICAN
9
 TURKEY
10
 SHOEBILL

2 comments:

  1. BUER?

    STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING BUER GOD DAMN FOOL PHILOSOPHIZING DUST EATING RAT OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD IDIOT PRESIDENT OF THE WHORE BIGGEST CLOWN IN THE CIRCUS LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN COWBOY MOTHERFUCKING BUER

    STOP PINNING ME WHEN I TALK ABOUT BUER I HATE HIM SO MUCH WHY DOES HE HAVE SO MANY FUCKED UP LEGS WHY DID HE DECIDE TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT JUST SET THEM LOOSE IS HE DEAD IS HE A BASTARD DEMON HAS SUCH A VISCERAL AFFECT ON ME NOT EVEN IN THE ROOM NEVER SEEN THIS MANS FACE AND I KNOW HE HAS THE WORLDS SHITTIEST MANE GET AWAY FROM ME

    if i wanted to get into hell and the devil said buer waiting inside i would piss on the devils feet for the sole purpose of getting sent further down

    if i have to deal with buer speaking one word in person on voice in universe not only will i close the ritual i will burn my tomes out of spite and have to relearn all of magic again for the experience of being able to skip all the times when he is mentioned or alive

    i dont even know why i hate him so much. he teaches philosophy but i am just mad because i am angy

    he better have some fucked up backstory to explain this if hes just some demon shithead whos a fan of the isle of man and wanted the irl version ill go ham

    BETTER have had God make him kill a man cuz if he didnt Im going to make him

    paypal.com/IFuckingHateBuer

    grimoire not even about him. vaguely mentioned what is supposed to maybe be his presidency and I lost it

    where the fuck is buer if hes still alive im going to so deeply wish he wasnt

    crusty old demon

    ill punch buer and his sad frail goat wheel twig bones will simply flake apart under my epic huge meat fist and he will disintegrate until all thats left is one final scroll he kept on him at all times simply titled Now You Fucked Up in ancient yiddish

    im not breathing im hyperventilating at this point

    i hope theres a date given for when buer died or will die so i can make it a reminder on my phone

    everyday once a year i will see it and do anything but pay respects to the demon who had so many fucked up if true legs

    ReplyDelete